Card Humor

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "What should I do?" he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card."

Christmas Shopping Humor

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Four Stages of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Seasons Greetings, Legally Revised

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

3. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

4. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

5. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

6. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

7. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

8. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Dieting Humor

A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.

She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!

Sermon Humor

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor saw two teenage girls
in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That
quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to
sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

Church Humor

Steve was coming out of church after the Christmas service, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Steve by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Steve replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Steve whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.”

Photo Humor

Curious when she found two black-and-white negatives in a
drawer, Jane had them made into prints. She was pleasantly
surprised to see that they were a picture of her as a younger,
slimmer person, taken on one of her first dates with her
husband.

When showing him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at
that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

Psychology Humor

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed
over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure
fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America
was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he
waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never
went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and
waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I
worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years,
but I finally cured him. And then that letter arrived!"

THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY

1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your shirt (males only), shoes and socks at the dinner table.

2. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

6. Hold your nose while you eat.

7. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

8. At mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."

9. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

10. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

Age Humor

A minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However," he said, "If you're over 65 the price will only be $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice spoke up...

"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

Rolls-Royce Humor

A wealthy man drove his Rolls-Royce to New York City during a two week business trip. Upon his arrival, he went straight to a large bank and asked for an immediate loan of $5,000.

"I can't just give you a loan of $5,000 without any type of collateral" the loan officer replies.

"Will a Rolls-Royce do?" he asks.

"I should think so," The loan officer replies, who promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and then gives him $5,000.

Two weeks later, he walked into the bank to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 principal, and $15.40 in interest," said the loan officer.

The man promptly writes a check, gives it to the loan officer, gathers his keys, and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir!" the loan officer says. I've just got one question. Obviously you are wealthy. Why did you want to borrow $5,000?"

He smiled. "Well, when I got here I noticed the congested traffic and decided it was too much of a risk to drive my car around town because it might get scratched up. Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Shopping Humor

A woman got mad at her husband and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased eight new dresses.

"Eight!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with eight new dresses??"

She calmly replied, "Eight new pairs of shoes."

Cat Humor

A woman visits a psychiatrist, complaining that she thinks she's a cat.

She says,"I meow, purr, and try to sharpen my claws on the furniture. You've got to help me!"

He asks her, "How long has this been going on?"

She replies, "Since I was a kitten."

Technology Humor

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It
appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. *done that!*

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Creative Writing Humor

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Communication Humor

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

Voting Humor

In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

Dental Humor

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

Sermon Humor

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"

Golf Humor

An elderly gentleman recently moved to a new town and joined the local golfing club. But when he went to the club for the first time to play he was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were all out on the course. Seeing the man's disappointment, the assistant pro came over and asked how good a player he was.

"I'm really not that bad," he replied. "The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

The assistant pro decided to try him out. It turned out he did play well, and coming to the par four 18th they were both even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green where he landed 2-putts for a par. The older gentleman had a nice drive also, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the sand trap he hit a high ball which landed on the green... and rolled right into the hole! It was a birdie and he won the game.

The pro walked over to the sand trap where the older man was still standing.

"Nice shot" he said, "but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

"I do. Could you please give me a hand?"

Pastor Humor

The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending out church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money."

The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Insurance Humor

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and quickly taken in for emergency heart surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sweet nun, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" the nun asked.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God!"

"Really?" said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Tomato Garden Humor

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over...I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,
Vinnie

Painting Humor

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door.

"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.

"Forty dollars."

"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

Choir Humor

THINGS PEOPLE THINK ABOUT WHILE SINGING IN THE CHOIR

~ I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.

~ I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?

~ 90 minutes till kickoff.

~ Boy, I wish I had/hadn't skipped choir practice Wednesday night.

~ Why are there 666 hymns in the new Baptist Hymnal? Surely they realized the significance of that number. You'd think someone would have noticed and added or subtracted one.

~ I wonder what would happen if the congregation moved up here, and we moved down in the sanctuary? Would the Pastor preach to us or turn around and preach to them?

~ Why don't we ever sing the third verse? We should skip the second verse for a change.

~ Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

~ And to think the tune of this grand old hymn used to be to a British drinking song. I wonder what the original words were?

~ Did I turn off the curling iron?

~ How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?

~ I wonder who ate all the jelly doughnuts before Sunday School fellowship this morning?

Phone Call Humor

A man decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign, which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."

Birthday Humor

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

Deacon Humor

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here...and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."

Skydiving Humor

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..."

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Dorm Humor

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Lawyer Humor

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

Pastor Humor

A pastor decided to upgrade the church restrooms by installing hot-air hand dryers. However, after two weeks, he took them out.

Someone asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a scribbled sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Baptism Humor

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Exam Humor

In the examination paper, the professor wanted the students to sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

The Job Test

THE JOB TEST

To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?

PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.

EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.

Gas Humor

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

Communication Humor

An elderly woman, known for her kindness, never had a bad thing to say about anyone. All her life she had the uncanny ability to find at least one good thing to say about someone; even if that person had been unkind to her. One day, two neighbors saw the kind-hearted lady walking down the street. One said, “I’ll bet you can’t name a single soul whom Mrs. Sosebee can’t say a good word about.” The other replied, “I’ll take you up on that,” and as Mrs. Sosebee approached them, she greeted her. “Hello, Mrs. Sosebee. May I ask a question? What do you think about the Devil?” “Well,” said the woman, smiling, “you’ll have to admit he’s always on the job!”

Golf Humor

A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the
instructor.

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a
thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to
do the same thing."

Companion Humor

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Lawyer Humor

Two lawyers were conducting business in a bank when an armed robbery began.

One of the robbers rushed to the teller windows, while another one guarded the doorway. The third robber stood in the middle of the bank, and proceeded to give out directions to the bank's customers.

"Everyone up against the wall... Okay, now empty your pockets. We want watches, wallets, and anything of value."

One of the lawyers jammed something into his partner's hand.

"What's this?" his partner whispers.

The other partner replies, "It's that $100 I owe you."

Pastor Humor

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."

The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Car Humor

Janice pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the
car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh
air. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and Janice
wanted to impress upon it that it must remain there.

As Janice walked to the curb backwards, she pointed her
finger at the car and emphatically began repeating, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave Janice a startled look.

"I don't know about you, lady," he said a little
incredulously, "But I usually just put my car in park."

Brick Humor

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

Thunderstorm Humor

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm,
and as the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her. With a nervous laugh, she asked him:

"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about
this storm?"

To this he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."

Counseling Humor

An ill-advised therapist told Jimmy that the way for him to
achieve true inner peace is to start finishing whatever he
started.

Jimmy began following the advice immediately after leaving
the therapist's office by quickly finishing 2 bags of chips
and a chocolate cake. The effect was rapid, and he began
feeling better almost immediately.

Sign Humor

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Prayer Humor

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you
like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

Bracelet Humor

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in a jewelry store window.
Not having the money to purchase the item, but desperately
longing for it, she enters and speaks to the clerk.

"If I were to give you a small deposit for this item, could
you possibly hold it for me?"

"Certainly," replies the clerk. "For how long shall we hold
the item?

"Until my husband does something unforgivable."

Eyesight Humor

Sam, an 80 year-old man, was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

"Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client
commit this crime?"

"Yes," replied Sam, "I know I saw him do it."

"Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight is
probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

"I can see the moon: how far is that?"

Locked Car Humor

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very
sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy
for some medication for her daughter. When she returned to
her car she was dismayed to find she had locked her keys
inside. Somehow she had to get home to her sick daughter,
but she didn't know what to do.

She called home to the baby sitter, who told her that her
daughter was getting worse. However, the baby sitter did
offer some advice.

"If you could find a coat hanger you may be able to use that
to open the door."

The woman obtained an old rusty coat hanger from the
pharmacy, but when she got back to her car she looked at the
hanger realized she didn't have a clue how to use the hanger
to open the door.

Feeling quite hopeless, she bowed her head and asked God for
help. Almost immediately an old rusty car pulled up, driven
by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a rag on his head.

The woman thought to herself, "Great, God. Is THIS what you
sent to help me?" But she was desperate, and decided any
help was better than no help at all.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

"Yes, my daughter is very sick," the woman replied. "I must
get home to her with this medicine, but I can't because I
locked my keys in the car. Is there any way you can use this
hanger to unlock my car?"

The man walked over to the car and in seconds the car was
opened. Almost in tears, the woman expressed her
appreciation.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH.....You are such a very nice man, and an
answer to prayer!"

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out
of prison for car theft."

In even greater appreciation, the woman cried out loud,
"THANK YOU, GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

Cow Humor

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy
farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out
and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had
happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had
been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the
hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks
like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the
field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just
passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your
cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's
old Bessie."

The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just
said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie,
son. She don't know a thing about cars."

Eulogy Humor

Two brothers had terrorized a small town for decades. They were unfaithful to their wives, abusive to their children, and dishonest in business. The younger brother died unexpectedly.

The surviving brother went to the pastor of the local church. “I’d like you to conduct my brother’s funeral,” he said, “but it’s important to me that during the service, you tell everyone my brother was a saint.”

“But he was far from that,” the minister countered.

The wealthy brother pulled out his checkbook.

“Reverend, I’m prepared to give $100,000 to your church. All I’m asking you to do is to state publicly that my brother was a saint.”

On the day of the funeral, the pastor began his eulogy this way. “Everyone here knows that the deceased was a wicked man, a womanizer, and a drunk. He terrorized his employees and cheated on his taxes.” The he paused. “But as evil and sinful as this man was, compared to his older brother, he was a saint.”

Fourth of July Humor

One year, Bobby's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring…"Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Bobby, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Bobby disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Bobby comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"

Expectancy Humor

Three men sat hopefully and expectantly in the hospital waiting room. A nurse from the maternity wing entered the room. She said to the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s a wonderful coincidence,” he exclaimed. “I’m a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

Then the nurse addressed the second man: “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets.” “Wow!” said the new father, “another wonderful coincidence. I work for the 3M Company.” The third man jumped to his feet. “I’m leaving,” he said. “I work for 7UP!”

Elevator Humor

A man from the back mountains found himself one day in a large city, and many things there were completely new to him. He stood outside an elevator and was fascinated with this amazing technological wonder.

He watched as an old, haggard woman hobbled on, and the doors closed. A few minutes later the doors opened and a young, attractive woman marched smartly off.

The father then hollered to his youngest son, "Billy, go get mother."

Tie Humor

A man goes into a bar to order a drink, but the bartender won't serve him, since he isn't wearing a tie.

The man then leaves, goes to the trunk of his car, pulls out his jumper cables, and wraps them around his neck like a tie.

When he returns to the bar, the bartender looks at him and says, "Okay, I can serve you, but don't start anything."

Marriage Humor

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"

The Difference a Little Punctuation Makes

Dear Steve:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria



Dear Steve:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work...

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

Denise Humor

Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.

Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba. He's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name. Maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.

"What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

Parenting Humor

A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."

"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."

Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

2. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

3. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

4. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

5. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

6. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

7. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

8. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

"Eight" Humor

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

Chocolate Chip Cookies Humor

An elderly man was very ill, and lay in his bed fully expecting to die at any time. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

The smell was so overwhelming that he somehow managed to gather his remaining strength to lift himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, agony, and pain from the excursion, he leaned against the kitchen door frame for rest and gazed into the room. Were it not for his physical pain he would have thought himself already in heaven because there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted as he began to imagine the taste of the wondrous cookies already in his mouth. The thought actually invigorated him, seemingly bringing him back to life. His old and aged hand slowly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she snapped. "They're for the funeral."

In Memoriam Humor

In Memoriam

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Wedding Humor

During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.

On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"

The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,

"She made me a much better offer."

Wedding Cake Humor

A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."

Technology Humor

During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

Things My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"

My mother taught me REASON
"Because I said so, that's why."

My Mother taught me LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"

My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen
THEN?"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY!
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about GENETICS
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!

Blonde Humor

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."

Parrot Humor

A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending to ransack, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room.

Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"

"So what," says the burglar, you're only a parrot!"

To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but 'Jesus' is the rottweiler!"

Court Humor

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Genie Humor

The sales rep, the administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke! The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

Astonished, the sales rep cries out, "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pineapples and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Blonde Humor

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds, "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Lawyer Humor

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."

Aggie Humor

An Aggie was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous Aggie.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the man. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."

Things Dogs Must Remember

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's
laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher
or trash can.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while
Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

Dentist Humor

Patient: "How much to have this tooth filled?"

Dentist: "$90."

Patient: "$90 for just a few minutes work?"

Dentist: "I can work slower if you like."

Dog Humor

Patient: "I have this terrible problem, Doctor. I think I'm a dog. I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I eat dog food."

Psychiatrist: "Very interesting. Lie down on the couch, please."

Patient: "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Employee Humor

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Language Humor

A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.

At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

After a pause, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

Marriage Humor

Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:

Him: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"

Her: "Never correct your husband's spelling."

Hearing Humor

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her about it, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The doctor told him there was a simple, informal test he could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

"Here's what you do," said the doctor, "Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening his wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.

So he moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?" Again, no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"RALPH, FOR THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

Jury Humor

A defendant was asked if he wanted a bench trial or a jury trial.

"Jury trial," the defendant replied.

"Do you understand the difference?" asked the judge.

"Sure," replied the defendant. "That's where twelve ignorant people decide my fate instead of one."

Mississippi Humor

A young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

Obituary Humor

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

Retirement Home Humor

During a visit to the retirement home, a man asked the director, "How do you determine whether or not a person should be institutionalized?"

"Well," said the Director, "We fill up a bathtub, and then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," he said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

Aggie Humor

This guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. As the bartender serves the drink, the guy asks, "Hey, I heard a good Aggie joke the other day. Do you want to hear it?"

The bartender says, "Well before you tell it, I should warn you that I'm an Aggie. See those two guys at the end of the bar? They're Aggies. And see those guys over at that table. They're Aggies too. Are you sure you want to tell that joke?"

The guy replies, "Heck no! I don't want to explain it five times..."

Aggie Humor

After eight years in college, there is one Aggie student who still
can't seem to get himself graduated. He got in five years on a
football scholarship, and everyone likes him, but he just can't seem
to make it through his classes.

The professors and the board of regents at the school are beginning to
be anxious about the possible damage to the school's reputation, and
decide that graduate or not, Jethro has got to go. They are worried
that the general public is going to hear about this student hasn't
graduated after eight years. After conferring with each other, they
give him the news: "Jethro, we've decided that this is going to be
your last semester at A&M. So we're going to give you a test at
graduation time. We're going to ask you just one question, and if you
answer it correctly, you graduate. If you answer it incorrectly, you
don't graduate. But either way, this is your last semester and it's
time to leave the school."

So graduation rolls around, and Jethro is the very last person to step
up, because he still has to take the test. Everyone at school knows
about it and each person in the audience holds his breath as the
university president asks Jethro the Test Question. "Jethro, what's
four plus three?" Jethro thinks hard for a moment, and then hesitantly
answers, "Seven?" There is a brief moment of silence, and then another
Aggie calls out from the audience:

"Aw, gee, give him another chance!"

Hunting Humor

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Husband/Wife Humor

After a husband and wife had backpacked for eight days, they both were looking pretty scruffy. One morning the wife came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She asks her husband, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"

He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

True Love Humor

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or birthed it.

Ostrich Humor

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask
for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Sermon Humor

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Bear Humor

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

Artist Humor

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Remembrance Humor

Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"

Artie said: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Eugene commented: "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Don said: "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"

Football Humor

By the time Ted arrived at the football game, the first quarter was almost over. "Why are you so late?" his friend asked.

"I had to toss a coin to decide between going to church and coming to the game."

"How long could that have taken you?"

"Well, I had to toss it 14 times."

Teacher Humor

It was the kindergarten teacher's birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that it is flowers."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some candy."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl. So she tasted it again. "Is it champagne?" she asked.

"Noooooooo," replied the little girl, "It's a puppy!"

Pastor Humor

An elderly woman walked into the local country church. The friendly usher greeted her at the door and helped her up the flight of steps. "Where would you like to sit?" he asked politely.

"The front row please," she answered.

"You really don't want to do that," the usher said. "The pastor is really boring."

"Do you happen to know who I am?" the woman inquired.

"No," he said.

"I'm the pastor's mother," she replied indignantly.

"Do you know who I am?" he asked.

"No," she said.

"Good," he answered.

New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep

NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS YOU CAN KEEP

Are you sick of making the same resolutions year after year that you never keep? Why not promise to do something you can ACTUALLY accomplish?

Here are some resolutions that you can use as a starting point:

~ Gain weight. At least 30 pounds.
~ Stop exercising. Waste of time.
~ Read less. Makes you think.
~ Watch more TV. I've been missing some good stuff.
~ Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
~ Spend more time at work, surfing the web.
~ Take a vacation to someplace important, like to see the world's largest ball of twine.
~ Don't jump off a cliff just because everyone else did.
~ Stop bringing lunch from home--eat out more.
~ Start being superstitious.
~ Personal goal: Don't bring back disco.
~ Speak in a monotone voice and only use monosyllabic words.
~ Only wear jeans that are 2 sizes too small and use a chain or rope for a belt.
~ Spend my summer vacation in cyberspace.
~ Create loose ends.
~ Get more toys.
~ Get further in debt.
~ Don't believe politicians.
~ Break at least one traffic law.
~ Spread out priorities beyond the ability to keep track of them.
~ Wait for opportunity to knock.
~ Focus on the faults of others.
~ Mope about faults.

Church Humor

The church gossip, and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon.

She commented to George on a Sunday morning, in the company of many, that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house and left it there all night.