Thursday, April 30, 2009
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote.... "Sagittarius."
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"
The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"
Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
Monday, April 20, 2009
There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.
"But the poll tax was repealed some time ago," replied the commissioner.
"Ay-yuh," declared the old man, "that's what I like about it."
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it.
One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.
“I’d like to try the bet,” he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.
He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?
“I work for the IRS”, replied the small wrinkled man.
Monday, April 13, 2009
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:
1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.
2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.
3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.
4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.
5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.
6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.
7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.
8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.
9. My father didn't wake me up.
10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.
11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.
12. I had to go to bingo.
(This list comes from a recent CareerBuilder article)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Enclosed is my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Monday, April 6, 2009
wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that
is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Sunday, April 5, 2009
"In dog years, I'm dead."
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
Friday, April 3, 2009
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You mean you're coming empty handed?"