Monday, April 30, 2012

Sermon Humor

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me." The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" "Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?" Again the mother replied, "Yes." "Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

Friday, April 27, 2012

Lawyer Humor

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My daddy's an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Blonde Humor

Kathy walks into the kitchen and sees her blonde friend Rachel with the whole box of animal crackers spread out on the counter top. Kathy: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Rachel: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' I'm looking for the seal."

Friday, April 20, 2012

Necklace Humor

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"

Native: "Alligator's teeth."

Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

Native: "Oh! No, no; anybody can open an oyster."

Monday, April 16, 2012

Lamp Humor

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes."

"Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."

Friday, April 13, 2012

Food Humor

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God sent heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to woo them. And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And Man told the truth. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Top Handy Answers to Almost Every Question


~ Trust me. I do this all the time.

~ Oh, I was absent that day.

~ Gee, I mailed it yesterday. It should be there by the end of the week.

~ That? I had it done when I was in boot camp / college / love - stupid, huh?

~ I don't know, I've just always had a way with people / animals / machines.

~ Hmmm, can you spell that?

~ I don't think I'm ready to make that kind of a commitment.


~ No.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rooster Humor

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Monday, April 2, 2012

More Newspaper Ad Humor

~ Illiterate? Write today for free help.

~ Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

~ Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

~ Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

~ Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

~ Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

~ Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

~ Wanted Hair-cutter: Excellent growth potential.

~ Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

~ We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.