Monday, December 31, 2012

Signs Humor

In a restroom at the Houston Medical Center, a floor supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it: "THINK!" The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read: "THOAP!"

Friday, December 14, 2012

Writing Home Humor

As a mother said goodbye to her son who was returning to school after spring vacation, she reminded him to write often. Another woman standing nearby heard the plea and gave this advice: "The surest way to get your son to write home is to send him a letter saying, 'Here's 50 dollars. Spend it any way you like.'" "And that will make my son write home?" "Yes, indeed! You simply forget to enclose the money."

Monday, December 10, 2012

Test your Christmas Song IQ

Christmas Carols and Songs Final Exam The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas Carols. If you get 100% correct, you will be assured a full Christmas stocking! Have fun!! Quadruped with crimson proboscis_______________ 5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise___________________ Miniscule hamlet in the far east __________________ Ancient benevolent despot ______________________ Adorn the vestibule ___________________________ Exuberance directed to the planet ________________ Listen, aerial spirits harmonizin _________________ Monarchial trio _______________________________ Yonder in the haystack _________________________ Assemble, everyone who believes _________________ Hallowed post meridian _________________________ Fantasies of a colorless December 25th _____________ Tin tintinnabulums ____________________________ A dozen 24-hour yule periods ____________________ Befell during the transparent bewitching hour ______ Homo sapien of crystallized vapor ________________ I merely desire a pair of incisors __________________ I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red__ Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy ____ Aloft on the acme of the abode _____________________ Results: 15 – 20 Correct — You don’t need any Yuletide spirit! 10 – 14 Correct — You could use something in your stocking! 5 – 9 Correct — Are you sure you have the right holiday? 1 – 4 Correct — Surely you jest!?! (From Humor Matters - )

Friday, December 7, 2012

Ways to Confuse Santa

~ Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime." ~ Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections. ~ Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house. ~ Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill. ~ Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.

Monday, December 3, 2012

Fish Humor

Dotty came into the office all aflutter about her husband, "You won't believe this, Steve, but Jimmy takes a fishing pole into the bathroom and tosses the hook into the tub." "You've got to be kidding," gasped Terry. "Don't you think you should take him to a psychiatrist?" "No time," replied Dotty with a shrug. "I'm too busy cleaning fish."

Friday, November 30, 2012

Floral Humor

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers." "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist. "Only one?" the florist asked. "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Monday, November 26, 2012

Tailor Humor

A tailor's shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, the tailor sat out behind his shop and ate his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day the tailor was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "Every day you sit outside our kitchen and smell our food while eating. We are providing added value to your lunch, and we deserve to be paid for it." The tailor stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The manager asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The tailor replied, "I'm paying for the smell of your food with the sound of my money."

Monday, November 19, 2012

Things to Do to Liven up Thanksgiving Dinner

1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more 3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV. 4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."

Friday, November 9, 2012

Surgery Humor

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."

Monday, November 5, 2012

Lawyer Humor

A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel, and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. "The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. "In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."

Friday, November 2, 2012

Eggplant Humor

A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get FOUR for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."

Monday, October 29, 2012

Medication Humor

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

Friday, October 26, 2012

Lawyer Humor, Part II

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide: 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Donkey Humor

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Lawyer Humor

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Hiccups Humor

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Monday, October 1, 2012

Senate Humor

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?" He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."

Friday, September 28, 2012

Fishing Humor

Two guys were fishing on a river. One catches the biggest catfish either one had ever seen. He says to his buddy, "We need to remember this spot so we can come back here again." His buddy pulls a pen out of his pocket and makes a big 'X' on the bottom of his boat. The first guy looks at his buddy, shaking his head in disgust. "You idiot! What if we bring another boat next time?"

Monday, September 10, 2012

Bell Humor

Late one night, an airhead saw a sign on an office building. It said: "Press bell for night watchman." So the airhead pressed the bell. After several minutes the night watchman could be heard clomping down the stairs. He unlocked the gate, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door. "Well," he snarled at the airhead, "what do you want?" "I just wanted to know why you can't press the bell yourself."

Friday, August 31, 2012

Left-Handed Humor

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

Monday, August 20, 2012

Hay Humor

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Friday, August 17, 2012

Auction Humor

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Monday, July 30, 2012

Fishing Humor

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the game warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of a cave. The game warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the game warden finally caught up to him. "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy!" the warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the game warden a valid fishing license. "Well, son," said the game warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!" "Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

Friday, July 27, 2012

Cat Humor

The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," her husband reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time." They watched for several days as he patiently "trained" their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Friday, July 13, 2012

Tax Humor

A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had. "Eight," he replied. The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?" The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

Friday, July 6, 2012

Pessimism Humor

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him. He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog. As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by, they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it. The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word. On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" "I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

Monday, June 18, 2012

Father Humor

A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?" There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So you get it, Daddy??!"

Monday, June 4, 2012

Internet Dating Service Humor

A young lady signed up on an Internet dating service. She got to the section of the application that asked "What exactly are you looking for?" This was her description: "He needs to be good-looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home if I don't go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest." In a matter of moments, the results were returned to the woman: "Buy a television."

Flying Humor

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a major fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor. Sure enough, when he arrived at the small rural airport, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. "Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes." "Why?" asked the pilot. "Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation and impatience. After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

Friday, May 25, 2012

Horse Humor

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Monday, May 21, 2012

Sunday School Humor

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

Friday, May 18, 2012

Harmonica Humor

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for my birthday," little Joshua said to his uncle. "It's the best present I ever got." "That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?" "Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow replied. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night!"

Monday, May 14, 2012

Spelling Humor

WHY YOU SHOULD MARRY A GOOD SPELLER A dog attacks a lady and the husband calls 911. The operator asks, "Where are you at?" The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road." The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?" "Um, well - er...I'll just drag her over to Oak Street so you can you pick her up there"

Monday, April 30, 2012

Sermon Humor

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me." The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" "Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?" Again the mother replied, "Yes." "Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

Friday, April 27, 2012

Lawyer Humor

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day. "My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy. "Tommy," replied the second. "My daddy's an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?" asked Billy. Tommy replied, "My daddy's a lawyer." "Honest?" asked Billy. "No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

Monday, April 23, 2012

Blonde Humor

Kathy walks into the kitchen and sees her blonde friend Rachel with the whole box of animal crackers spread out on the counter top. Kathy: "Why did you pour out the whole box?" Rachel: "The box says, 'Do not eat if the seal is broken.' I'm looking for the seal."

Friday, April 20, 2012

Necklace Humor

Tourist: "What an interesting necklace. What is it made of?"

Native: "Alligator's teeth."

Tourist: "I suppose they mean as much to you as pearls do to us."

Native: "Oh! No, no; anybody can open an oyster."

Monday, April 16, 2012

Lamp Humor

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes."

"Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."

Friday, April 13, 2012

Food Humor

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God sent heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to woo them. And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And Man told the truth. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Top Handy Answers to Almost Every Question


~ Trust me. I do this all the time.

~ Oh, I was absent that day.

~ Gee, I mailed it yesterday. It should be there by the end of the week.

~ That? I had it done when I was in boot camp / college / love - stupid, huh?

~ I don't know, I've just always had a way with people / animals / machines.

~ Hmmm, can you spell that?

~ I don't think I'm ready to make that kind of a commitment.


~ No.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Rooster Humor

A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............

"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

Monday, April 2, 2012

More Newspaper Ad Humor

~ Illiterate? Write today for free help.

~ Lost small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.

~ Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

~ Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.

~ Nice parachute. Never opened. Used once.

~ Nordic Track $300. Hardly used. Call Chubby.

~ Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

~ Open house: Body shapers toning salon. Free coffee and doughnuts.

~ Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

~ Snowblower for sale. Only used on snowy days.

~ Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!

~ Wanted Hair-cutter: Excellent growth potential.

~ Wanted: Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

~ We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Newspaper Ads Humor

~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

~ 3-year-old teacher need for preschool. Experience preferred.

~ Alzheimers center prepares for an affair to remember.

~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

~ Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

~ Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

~ For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

~ For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~ Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward!

~ Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

~ German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Grammar Humor


We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that,
And three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Umbrella Humor

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. But little Johnny, who always does things HIS way, colored the duck a bright fire.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

Young Johnny replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Monday, March 12, 2012

Camping Hints


~ When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

~ To get even with a bear who raided your food bag, kick his favorite stump apart and eat all the ants.

~ Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

~ A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

~ Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

~ The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Driving Humor

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Monday, March 5, 2012

Speeding Humor

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

Saturday, March 3, 2012

France Humor

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

Monday, February 27, 2012

Key Humor

Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.

Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!"

Friday, February 24, 2012

Landlord Humor


1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Aggie Humor

The Texas A&M football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not suppose to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."

The player agreed, and the coach looked into this eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate......what is two plus two?"

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"

"Four"?!?" the coach exclaimed .... excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance."

Aggie Humor

Three men have made careful preparations for a walk into the desert.
Asking each other what they have brought before starting off, the first
says, "I've brought water, so we won't go thirsty."

The second replies, "I've brought food, so we won't go

The third one, an Aggie, then proudly adds, "I brought this car
window, so we can roll it down if it gets hot."

Friday, February 17, 2012

Aggie Humor

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?

Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars!

Fire Humor

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine's Day Humor

Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it.

As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Monday, February 13, 2012

Parenthood Humor


A brief battery of tests for prospective parents

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum while holding the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 1:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

Friday, February 10, 2012

Drawing Humor

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

Friday, February 3, 2012

Hair Humor

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Monday, January 30, 2012

Room Humor

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"

Friday, January 27, 2012

Foreman Humor

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."

Monday, January 23, 2012

Court Humor

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sign Humor

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."

The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"

The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"

Friday, January 13, 2012

Grade School Humor

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen...Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right..."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Old and Driving 100 in a Corvette

In Florida, a senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. It was his Christmas present to himself. Heading down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, and pushed the pedal down even more.

Suddenly, he heard a siren blaring. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper's car, blue lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked first at the driver, then at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, around this time, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's Resolutions Humor

"I hereby resolve to:"
• Watch more television -it IS the "window into the world", right?

• Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store

• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

• Stop procrastinating ... (I think I just might start next month).

• Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and ...

• Read something this year ... other than the comics.

• Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on ... because walking there makes me perspire.

• Stop leaving my dirty gym socks lying in the middle of the floor. I'll leave them on the kitchen table, where they're easier to reach.

• Kick the caffeine habit - hey, why does my over-sized coffee mug smell like sweaty socks?

• Read those books I bought 5 years ago on "how to improve my memory" ... I keep forgetting to read them.

• Be more decisive ... I'll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.

• Quit making those SAME excuses ... I make the same excuses each year, why I'll do better next year, and it's getting pretty old - this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.