Aggie Humor

Three Aggies drive their pickup into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said. "Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later. "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check." After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

Diplomacy Humor

A wife was very disappointed and quite upset over her husband’s forgetting her birthday. He diplomatically responded, “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"

Floral Humor

A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers." "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist. "Only one?" the florist asked. "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."

Landlord Humor

EXCERPTS FROM REQUESTS SENT TO LANDLORDS

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.

2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.

3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?

4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.

5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.

8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.

9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.

10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.

Diary Humor

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh

Marriage Humor

One lazy Saturday morning a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when he said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."

She looked at him intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

"Oops" Humor

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Creative Writing Humor

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Communication Humor

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

Painting Humor

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door.

"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.

"Forty dollars."

"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

Communication Humor

An elderly woman, known for her kindness, never had a bad thing to say about anyone. All her life she had the uncanny ability to find at least one good thing to say about someone; even if that person had been unkind to her. One day, two neighbors saw the kind-hearted lady walking down the street. One said, “I’ll bet you can’t name a single soul whom Mrs. Sosebee can’t say a good word about.” The other replied, “I’ll take you up on that,” and as Mrs. Sosebee approached them, she greeted her. “Hello, Mrs. Sosebee. May I ask a question? What do you think about the Devil?” “Well,” said the woman, smiling, “you’ll have to admit he’s always on the job!”

Sign Humor

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

The Difference a Little Punctuation Makes

Dear Steve:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria



Dear Steve:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

"Eight" Humor

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.

Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!

Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

Telephone Humor

A girl called directory assistance to get her boyfriend's new telephone number. She then dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" she asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, she dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Phone Humor

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Communication Humor

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those divorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Communication Humor

Soon after their last child had left home for college, a woman was sitting on a couch with her husband's head resting in her lap. She carefully removed his glasses and then exclaimed, "you know, honey, without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Floral Humor

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Taxi Driver Humor

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her."