Monday, October 29, 2012

Medication Humor

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office. "Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?" "Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her. There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, "I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'!"

Friday, October 26, 2012

Lawyer Humor, Part II

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide: 11. Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A: By death. Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 12. Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now? A: I'll be three months on November 8. Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8? A: Yes Q: What were you doing at the time? 13. Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable? A: I used to be. Q: How many times have you committed suicide? 14. So you were gone until you returned? 15. Q: She had three children, right? A: Yes. Q: How many were boys? A: None Q: Were there girls? 16. You don't know what it was, and you don't know what it looked like, but can you describe it? 17. Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement? A: Yes Q: And these stairs, did they go up also? 18. Q: Have you lived in this town all your life? A: Not yet. 19. A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question." 20. Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel? A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m. Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct? A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!

Monday, October 22, 2012

Donkey Humor

A city boy, Kenny, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died." Kenny replied, "Well then, just give me my money back." The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already." Kenny said, "OK then, at least give me the donkey." The farmer asked, "What ya gonna do with him?" Kenny, "I'm going to raffle him off." Farmer, "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!" Kenny, "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he is dead." A month later the farmer met up with Kenny and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?" Kenny, "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars a piece and made a profit of $898." Farmer, "Didn't anyone complain?" Kenny, "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

Lawyer Humor

Lawyers aren't typically funny--unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official court records nationwide: 1. Was that the same nose you broke as a child? 2. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning? 3. Q: What happened then? A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me." Q: Did he kill you? 4. Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war? 5. The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? 6. Were you alone or by yourself? 7. How long have you been a French Canadian? 8. Do you have children or anything of that kind? 9. Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture? A: That's me. Q: Were you present when that picture was taken? 10. Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Friday, October 5, 2012

Hiccups Humor

A man goes into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. "What did you do that for?" the man asks. "Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?" The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"

Monday, October 1, 2012

Senate Humor

Edward Hale, while chaplain of the U.S. Senate, was asked, "Do you pray for the senators?" He quickly replied, "No. After getting to know the senators, I pray for the people."