Monday, August 30, 2010

Communication Humor

An elderly woman, known for her kindness, never had a bad thing to say about anyone. All her life she had the uncanny ability to find at least one good thing to say about someone; even if that person had been unkind to her. One day, two neighbors saw the kind-hearted lady walking down the street. One said, “I’ll bet you can’t name a single soul whom Mrs. Sosebee can’t say a good word about.” The other replied, “I’ll take you up on that,” and as Mrs. Sosebee approached them, she greeted her. “Hello, Mrs. Sosebee. May I ask a question? What do you think about the Devil?” “Well,” said the woman, smiling, “you’ll have to admit he’s always on the job!”

Friday, August 27, 2010

Golf Humor

A schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.

"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?" she asked the

"P-u-t-t is correct," he replied. "Put means to place a
thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to
do the same thing."

Monday, August 23, 2010

Companion Humor

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Friday, August 20, 2010

Lawyer Humor

Two lawyers were conducting business in a bank when an armed robbery began.

One of the robbers rushed to the teller windows, while another one guarded the doorway. The third robber stood in the middle of the bank, and proceeded to give out directions to the bank's customers.

"Everyone up against the wall... Okay, now empty your pockets. We want watches, wallets, and anything of value."

One of the lawyers jammed something into his partner's hand.

"What's this?" his partner whispers.

The other partner replies, "It's that $100 I owe you."

Monday, August 16, 2010

Pastor Humor

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."

The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"

The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

Friday, August 13, 2010

Car Humor

Janice pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the
car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh
air. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and Janice
wanted to impress upon it that it must remain there.

As Janice walked to the curb backwards, she pointed her
finger at the car and emphatically began repeating, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave Janice a startled look.

"I don't know about you, lady," he said a little
incredulously, "But I usually just put my car in park."

Monday, August 9, 2010

Brick Humor

While visiting Annapolis, a lady tourist noticed several students on their hands and knees assessing the courtyard with pencils and clipboards in hand.

"What are they doing?" she asked the tour guide.

"Each year," he replied with a grin, "the upperclassmen ask the freshmen how many bricks it took to finish paving this courtyard."

When they were out of earshot of the freshmen, the curious lady asked the guide: "So, what's the answer?"

The guide replied: "One."

Friday, August 6, 2010

Thunderstorm Humor

A passenger jet was suffering through a severe thunderstorm,
and as the passengers were being bounced around by the
turbulence a young woman turned to a minister sitting next
to her. With a nervous laugh, she asked him:

"Reverend, you're a man of God, can't you do something about
this storm?"

To this he replied, "Lady, I'm in sales, not management."