Monday, January 30, 2012

Room Humor

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"

Friday, January 27, 2012

Foreman Humor

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."

Monday, January 23, 2012

Court Humor

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sign Humor

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."

The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"

The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"

Friday, January 13, 2012

Grade School Humor

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen...Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right..."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Old and Driving 100 in a Corvette

In Florida, a senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. It was his Christmas present to himself. Heading down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, and pushed the pedal down even more.

Suddenly, he heard a siren blaring. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper's car, blue lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked first at the driver, then at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, around this time, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

Monday, January 2, 2012

New Year's Resolutions Humor

"I hereby resolve to:"
• Watch more television -it IS the "window into the world", right?

• Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store

• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

• Stop procrastinating ... (I think I just might start next month).

• Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and ...

• Read something this year ... other than the comics.

• Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on ... because walking there makes me perspire.

• Stop leaving my dirty gym socks lying in the middle of the floor. I'll leave them on the kitchen table, where they're easier to reach.

• Kick the caffeine habit - hey, why does my over-sized coffee mug smell like sweaty socks?

• Read those books I bought 5 years ago on "how to improve my memory" ... I keep forgetting to read them.

• Be more decisive ... I'll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.

• Quit making those SAME excuses ... I make the same excuses each year, why I'll do better next year, and it's getting pretty old - this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.