Contractor Humor

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company's CFO. The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700." The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

Hole Humor

Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

The Job Test

THE JOB TEST

To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?

PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.

EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.

Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work...

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.

Golf Humor

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Twelve Amusing Excuses for Being Late to Work

Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:

1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.

4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.

5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.

7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.

8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.

9. My father didn't wake me up.

10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.

12. I had to go to bingo.

(This list comes from a recent CareerBuilder article)

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Management Humor

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The manager walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the manager. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The manager asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

Marketing Humor

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."