Monday, October 25, 2010

Golf Humor

An elderly gentleman recently moved to a new town and joined the local golfing club. But when he went to the club for the first time to play he was told there wasn't anybody he could play with because they were all out on the course. Seeing the man's disappointment, the assistant pro came over and asked how good a player he was.

"I'm really not that bad," he replied. "The only real problem I have is getting out of sand traps."

The assistant pro decided to try him out. It turned out he did play well, and coming to the par four 18th they were both even.

The pro had a nice drive and was able to get on the green where he landed 2-putts for a par. The older gentleman had a nice drive also, but his approach shot landed in a sand trap next to the green.

Playing from the sand trap he hit a high ball which landed on the green... and rolled right into the hole! It was a birdie and he won the game.

The pro walked over to the sand trap where the older man was still standing.

"Nice shot" he said, "but I thought you said you have a problem getting out of sand traps?"

"I do. Could you please give me a hand?"

Pastor Humor

The pastor said to Mr. Smith, one of his long-time parishioners, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for attending out church. I wish I had twenty parishioners like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, Pastor, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I complain about every sermon and hardly ever give money."

The pastor said, "I'd still like twenty parishioners like you. The problem is, I have two hundred."

Friday, October 22, 2010

Insurance Humor

Mr. Smith was brought to a Catholic hospital and quickly taken in for emergency heart surgery.

The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a sweet nun, who was waiting by his bed.

"Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," said the nun, gently patting his hand. "We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"

"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.

"Then can you pay in cash?" the nun asked.

"I'm afraid I cannot, Sister."

"Well, do you have any close relatives?" the nun questioned.

"Just my sister in New Mexico," he volunteered. "But she's a humble spinster nun."

"Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God!"

"Really?" said Mr. Smith. "In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law."

Monday, October 18, 2010

Tomato Garden Humor

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over...I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you,

Friday, October 15, 2010

Painting Humor

There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to a man who answered one door.

"How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man.

"Forty dollars."

"Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes.

Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again.

"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, "That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."

Monday, October 11, 2010

Choir Humor


~ I wonder if anyone out there notices I forgot my lipstick this morning.

~ I wonder who in the congregation will fall asleep first today?

~ 90 minutes till kickoff.

~ Boy, I wish I had/hadn't skipped choir practice Wednesday night.

~ Why are there 666 hymns in the new Baptist Hymnal? Surely they realized the significance of that number. You'd think someone would have noticed and added or subtracted one.

~ I wonder what would happen if the congregation moved up here, and we moved down in the sanctuary? Would the Pastor preach to us or turn around and preach to them?

~ Why don't we ever sing the third verse? We should skip the second verse for a change.

~ Will the person behind me ever hit the right note?

~ And to think the tune of this grand old hymn used to be to a British drinking song. I wonder what the original words were?

~ Did I turn off the curling iron?

~ How would the hymn sound if Metallica played it?

~ I wonder who ate all the jelly doughnuts before Sunday School fellowship this morning?

Friday, October 8, 2010

Phone Call Humor

A man decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. He went to a very large church and began taking photographs, etc. He spots a golden telephone on a wall and is intrigued with a sign, which reads "$10,000 a minute."

Seeking out the pastor he asks about the phone and the sign. The pastor answers that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God. He thanks the pastor and continues on his way. As he continues to visit churches in Seattle, Boise, Minneapolis, Chicago, Milwaukee, New York, Atlanta, and on around the United States, he finds more phones, with the same sign, and the same answer from each pastor.

Finally, he arrives in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, lo and behold, he sees the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign reads "Calls 25 cents."

Fascinated, he requests to talk to the pastor. "Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I found this golden telephone, and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?"

The pastor, smiling benignly, replies, "Oh, my son, that's very easy to explain. You see, you're now in Texas and, of course, it's a local call from here."

Monday, October 4, 2010

Birthday Humor

A couple phoned a neighbor to extend birthday greetings. They dialed the number and then sang "Happy Birthday" to him.

But when they finished their off-key rendition, they discovered that they had dialed the wrong number. "Don't let it bother you," said a strange but amused voice. "You folks need all the practice you can get."

Friday, October 1, 2010

Deacon Humor

Two rural church deacons who were having a sociable beer in the local tavern when they saw their minister drive by and take a good long look at their pickup trucks parked outside.

One deacon ducked down and said, "I hope the reverend didn't see us or recognize my pickup."

The other replied indifferently, "What difference does it make. God knows we're in here...and he's the only one who counts."

The first deacon countered, "But God won't tell my wife."