Monday, October 31, 2011

Pilot Humor


~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Blonde Humor

A Blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dogs, which have been barking incessantly for hours and hours.

Totally fed up, the Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had just about enough of this," and she heads downstairs.

When she finally returns the dogs are barking even louder than before. Her husband asks, "What were you doing down there?"

She replied, "I went out back and brought BOTH of THOSE dogs into OUR backyard. Let's just see how THEY like it!"

Monday, October 24, 2011

Golf Humor

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.

He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.

One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."

Monday, October 17, 2011

Baseball Quotes

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up I change bats. . . After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?" Yogi Berra

"Why does everybody stand up and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' when they're already there?" Larry Anderson

"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona." George F. Will, Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball, 1990

"A critic once characterized baseball as six minutes of action crammed into two-and-one-half hours." Ray Fitzgerald, in Boston Glove, 1970

"The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up." Bob Uecker

"I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium." ~Author Unknown

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8

Friday, October 14, 2011

Lawyer Humor

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

More Resume Humor

"Note: Please don't look at my last 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never
quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often." "Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They
insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't
work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an
assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied
facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I look forward to hearing back from you shorty."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Allergic to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

Resume Humor


"Resumania" is a term to describe the unintentional bloopers that often
appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here
are some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently)

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
(Glad to hear it)

"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy)

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance)

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything)

"Served as assistant sore manager."

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter)

Monday, October 3, 2011

Southern Humor

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of
the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang
happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Southern Humor

A young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."