Friday, November 30, 2012
A gentleman entered a busy florist shop that displayed a large sign that read, "Say It With Flowers." "Please wrap up one rose," he told the florist. "Only one?" the florist asked. "Just one," the customer replied. "I'm a man of few words."
Monday, November 26, 2012
A tailor's shop was next door to a very upscale French restaurant. Every day at lunch time, the tailor sat out behind his shop and ate his black bread and herring while smelling the wonderful odors coming from the restaurant's kitchen. One day the tailor was surprised to receive an invoice from the restaurant for "enjoyment of food." So he went to the restaurant to point out that he had not bought anything from them. The manager said, "Every day you sit outside our kitchen and smell our food while eating. We are providing added value to your lunch, and we deserve to be paid for it." The tailor stuck his hand in his pocket and rattled the few coins he had inside. The manager asked him, "What is the meaning of that?" The tailor replied, "I'm paying for the smell of your food with the sound of my money."
Monday, November 19, 2012
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake. 2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more 3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV. 4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms. 5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
Friday, November 9, 2012
An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son. "Yes, Dad, what is it?" "Don't be nervous, son; do your best, and just remember, if it doesn't go well - if something happens to me - your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife."
Monday, November 5, 2012
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel, and says, "Before I begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. "The lawyer for the defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. "In order to make this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense."
Friday, November 2, 2012
A grocer put up a sign that read "Eggplants, 25 cents each -- three for a dollar." All day long, customers came in exclaiming: "Don't be ridiculous! I should get FOUR for a dollar!" Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, "Aren't you going to fix the mistake on your sign?" "What mistake?" the grocer asked. "Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant."