Thursday, March 28, 2013

First Day of School Humor

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Monday, March 25, 2013

Superman Humor

At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."

Friday, March 22, 2013

Car Humor

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

Monday, March 18, 2013

Deodorant Humor

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy smells stinky armpits to test deodorant." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Friday, March 15, 2013

Aggie Humor

Two Aggie engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Friday, March 8, 2013

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. ~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop. ~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! ~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? ~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie. ~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. ~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? ~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! ~ What's this doing here? ~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. ~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. ~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? ~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel? ~ Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!