Monday, August 24, 2009

Preaching Humor

One Sunday morning, the preacher had just finished his sermon and went and sat down with his wife. She then asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

Friday, August 21, 2009

Lawnmower Humor

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.
"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.
After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"
The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."
The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."
The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."
The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."
The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya."

Monday, August 17, 2009

Mirror Humor

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at Morris Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Marksmanship Humor

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town, and was astonished to notice evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.

The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The resident introduced him to the shooter.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the man. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Monday, August 10, 2009

Freeway Humor

An older man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's some idiot driving a car the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"

"Hazel!" said Herman, "It's not just one car! There's hundreds of them!"

Friday, August 7, 2009

Tooth Fairy Humor


Dear _________________ :

Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason[s] indicated below:

[ ] the tooth could not be found

[ ] it was not a human tooth

[ ] the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

[ ] the tooth did not originally belong to you

[ ] you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy

[ ] you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

[ ] the tooth is still in your mouth

[ ] the tooth was guarded by a vicious, fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

[ ] no night light was on at the time of our visit

[ ] the snacks provided for the Tooth Fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

[ ] we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows: [ ] string [ ] pliers [ ] gunpowder [ ] hammer marks [ ] chisel

[ ] Other:__________________________________________________

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.


The Tooth Fairy

Monday, August 3, 2009

Skydiving Humor

A new skydiver and his instructor were high in the air when the student was getting ready to jump. Just before he was ready to leap his teacher gave him some final instructions.

"Listen carefully! You jump...count to 3...and pull your rip cord! If that doesn't work, pull the cord on your reserve chute! There will be a truck down there to pick you up!"

The new skydiver took a deep breath and plunged into the open air. After free falling he counted to 3 and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled the cord on his reserve chute, and nothing happened. Totally disgusted, the skydiver said...

"DARN! I'll bet that truck's not down there either!"