Friday, February 26, 2010

Aggie Humor

After eight years in college, there is one Aggie student who still
can't seem to get himself graduated. He got in five years on a
football scholarship, and everyone likes him, but he just can't seem
to make it through his classes.

The professors and the board of regents at the school are beginning to
be anxious about the possible damage to the school's reputation, and
decide that graduate or not, Jethro has got to go. They are worried
that the general public is going to hear about this student hasn't
graduated after eight years. After conferring with each other, they
give him the news: "Jethro, we've decided that this is going to be
your last semester at A&M. So we're going to give you a test at
graduation time. We're going to ask you just one question, and if you
answer it correctly, you graduate. If you answer it incorrectly, you
don't graduate. But either way, this is your last semester and it's
time to leave the school."

So graduation rolls around, and Jethro is the very last person to step
up, because he still has to take the test. Everyone at school knows
about it and each person in the audience holds his breath as the
university president asks Jethro the Test Question. "Jethro, what's
four plus three?" Jethro thinks hard for a moment, and then hesitantly
answers, "Seven?" There is a brief moment of silence, and then another
Aggie calls out from the audience:

"Aw, gee, give him another chance!"

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Hunting Humor

A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Henry?" the others asked.

"Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!"

Friday, February 19, 2010

Husband/Wife Humor

After a husband and wife had backpacked for eight days, they both were looking pretty scruffy. One morning the wife came to breakfast in a baseball cap, her shoulder length hair sticking out at odd angles.

She asks her husband, "Does my hair make me look like a water buffalo?"

He thought for a moment, then said, "If I tell you the truth, do you promise not to charge?"

True Love Humor

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room,
messes up your stuff,
eats your food,
uses your telephone,
takes your money,
and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place,
you either married it or birthed it.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Ostrich Humor

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the
ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be
$9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out
the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says,
"A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks
the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will
be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse
me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered
me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for
anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount
of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask
for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as
you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce,
the exact money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall
chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Friday, February 5, 2010

Sermon Humor

A man who hadn't attended church in years suddenly began attending faithfully on Sunday mornings instead of going fishing as was his normal habit.

The pastor was highly gratified and at the end of service one morning told him, "How wonderful it makes me feel to see you at services with your good wife!"

"Well, Preacher," said the fisherman, "Quite honestly, it's a matter of choice. I'd much rather hear your sermon than hers."

Monday, February 1, 2010

Bear Humor

An atheist was walking through the woods.

"What majestic trees"!

"What powerful rivers"!

"What beautiful animals"!

He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder & saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, & the bear was even closer. He tripped & fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right On top of him, reaching for him with his left paw & raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was still.

As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist and even credit creation to cosmic accident." "Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer"?

The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps You could make the BEAR a Christian"?

"Very Well," said the Voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."