Showing posts with label Holiday Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holiday Humor. Show all posts
Friday, April 19, 2013
Gift Humor
A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel- drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Monday, April 1, 2013
Lost Bag Humor
A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping.
It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her.
Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny.
When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are
twenty $1 bills."
The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time
I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a
reward."
Friday, February 8, 2013
Fur Coat Humor
A mother and a daughter are Christmas shopping in the mall, when
the mother eyes an expensive fur coat.
"This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present
instead of making you and dad shop for me."
The daughter nods in agreement before the mother continues.
"And I think this fur coat would be perfect too."
"But mom," the daughter protests, "Some helpless, poor creature
has to suffer so that you can have this."
"Don't worry honey," replies the mother, "Your father won't get
the bill for a couple of weeks."
Monday, February 4, 2013
Diplomacy Humor
A wife was very disappointed and quite upset over her husband’s forgetting her birthday.
He diplomatically responded, “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"
Monday, December 10, 2012
Test your Christmas Song IQ
Christmas Carols and Songs Final Exam
The following words are alternate titles for several well-known Christmas Carols.
If you get 100% correct, you will be assured a full Christmas stocking!
Have fun!!
Quadruped with crimson proboscis_______________
5 p.m. to 6 a.m. without noise___________________
Miniscule hamlet in the far east __________________
Ancient benevolent despot ______________________
Adorn the vestibule ___________________________
Exuberance directed to the planet ________________
Listen, aerial spirits harmonizin _________________
Monarchial trio _______________________________
Yonder in the haystack _________________________
Assemble, everyone who believes _________________
Hallowed post meridian _________________________
Fantasies of a colorless December 25th _____________
Tin tintinnabulums ____________________________
A dozen 24-hour yule periods ____________________
Befell during the transparent bewitching hour ______
Homo sapien of crystallized vapor ________________
I merely desire a pair of incisors __________________
I spied my maternal parent osculating a fat man in red__
Perambulating through a December solstice fantasy ____
Aloft on the acme of the abode _____________________
Results:
15 – 20 Correct — You don’t need any Yuletide spirit!
10 – 14 Correct — You could use something in your stocking!
5 – 9 Correct — Are you sure you have the right holiday?
1 – 4 Correct — Surely you jest!?!
(From Humor Matters - http://www.humormatters.com/holidays/Christmas/xmassongs.htm )
Friday, December 7, 2012
Ways to Confuse Santa
~ Take everything out of your house as if it's just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, "Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime."
~ Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
~ Leave Santa a note explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
~ Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
~ Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Things to Do to Liven up Thanksgiving Dinner
1. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that it's the new Thanksgiving Weight Loss Shake.
2. When everyone goes around to say what they are thankful for, say, "I'm thankful I didn't get caught," and refuse to say anything more
3. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking. Make sure it is set to the last two minutes of the game. When he comes into the room, turn off the VCR and turn on the regular TV.
4. Bring a date that only talks about the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.
5. During mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See mom, I told you they wouldn't notice that the turkey was past the expiration date. You were worried for nothing."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day Humor
Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it.
As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
Friday, January 6, 2012
Old and Driving 100 in a Corvette
In Florida, a senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. It was his Christmas present to himself. Heading down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, and pushed the pedal down even more.
Suddenly, he heard a siren blaring. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper's car, blue lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked first at the driver, then at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, around this time, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Suddenly, he heard a siren blaring. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper's car, blue lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked first at the driver, then at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, around this time, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.
Monday, January 2, 2012
New Year's Resolutions Humor
"I hereby resolve to:"
• Watch more television -it IS the "window into the world", right?
• Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store
• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
• Stop procrastinating ... (I think I just might start next month).
• Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and ...
• Read something this year ... other than the comics.
• Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on ... because walking there makes me perspire.
• Stop leaving my dirty gym socks lying in the middle of the floor. I'll leave them on the kitchen table, where they're easier to reach.
• Kick the caffeine habit - hey, why does my over-sized coffee mug smell like sweaty socks?
• Read those books I bought 5 years ago on "how to improve my memory" ... I keep forgetting to read them.
• Be more decisive ... I'll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.
• Quit making those SAME excuses ... I make the same excuses each year, why I'll do better next year, and it's getting pretty old - this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.
(From http://www.businesstune-ups.com/Funny-New-Years-Resolutions.html)
• Watch more television -it IS the "window into the world", right?
• Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store
• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.
• Stop procrastinating ... (I think I just might start next month).
• Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and ...
• Read something this year ... other than the comics.
• Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on ... because walking there makes me perspire.
• Stop leaving my dirty gym socks lying in the middle of the floor. I'll leave them on the kitchen table, where they're easier to reach.
• Kick the caffeine habit - hey, why does my over-sized coffee mug smell like sweaty socks?
• Read those books I bought 5 years ago on "how to improve my memory" ... I keep forgetting to read them.
• Be more decisive ... I'll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.
• Quit making those SAME excuses ... I make the same excuses each year, why I'll do better next year, and it's getting pretty old - this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.
(From http://www.businesstune-ups.com/Funny-New-Years-Resolutions.html)
Friday, December 23, 2011
Santa Humor
As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email??!!"
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email??!!"
Friday, May 6, 2011
Things Only a Mom Can Teach
THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"
My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."
My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
Things Mom Would Never Say
THINGS MOM WOULD NEVER SAY
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"
"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."
"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."
"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."
"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."
"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."
"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."
"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."
"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."
Monday, February 14, 2011
Valentine's Day Humor
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."
Friday, February 11, 2011
Valentine's Day Humor
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony (who usually wasn't very sensitive to what his wife might like for a gift), 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
'Yes,' came the answer from Tony (who usually wasn't very sensitive to what his wife might like for a gift), 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'
'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'
Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'
Monday, January 10, 2011
Gift Humor
A guy was telling his friend how he had bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.
After hearing about this extravagant gift, the friend said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
After hearing about this extravagant gift, the friend said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."
"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"
Monday, January 3, 2011
How to Keep New Year's Resolutions
How to Keep New Year's Resolutions
RESOLUTION #1:
2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The Pelican Brief.
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.
2011: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will be totally out of debt by 2010.
2010: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2011.
2011: I will try to be out of the country by the end of the year.
RESOLUTION #1:
2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The Pelican Brief.
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.
2011: I will try and finish the comics section this year.
RESOLUTION #2:
2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
RESOLUTION #3:
2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will be totally out of debt by 2010.
2010: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2011.
2011: I will try to be out of the country by the end of the year.
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Christmas Shopping Humor
It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.
"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Monday, December 20, 2010
Four Stages of Life
1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.
Seasons Greetings, Legally Revised
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.
This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).
Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).
Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.
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