Monday, February 25, 2013

Digging Humor

A man stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg's job's been cut so now it's just me an' Matt."

Friday, February 22, 2013

Prayers From Children

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

Friday, February 15, 2013

Car Battery Humor

An angry motorist went back to the garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist growled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

Monday, February 11, 2013

Tour Bus Humor

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?" "1215," the guide answered. The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."

Friday, February 8, 2013

Fur Coat Humor

A mother and a daughter are Christmas shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement before the mother continues. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." "But mom," the daughter protests, "Some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," replies the mother, "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Monday, February 4, 2013

Diplomacy Humor

A wife was very disappointed and quite upset over her husband’s forgetting her birthday. He diplomatically responded, “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"

Friday, February 1, 2013

Lawn Mower Humor

A couple's lawn mower was broken, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it repaired. But the message never sunk in. She finally thought of a way to make her point. One day the husband arrived home to find her seated in the grass busily snipping away with a pair of scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He returned a few moments later, handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalk."