Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Proofreading Humor

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Friday, March 27, 2009

Billy Graham Humor

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement.

When his plane arrived there was a white limousine waiting there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

‘You know’ he said, ‘I am 90 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?’

The driver said, ‘No problem. Have at it.’

Billy got into the driver’s seat and they headed off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long, white limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He then got out of his patrol car to begin the normal questioning procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door, and when the glass rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his patrol car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, ‘I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies.

I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.’

The supervisor asked, ‘Is it the governor?’

The young trooper said, ‘No, He’s more important than that.’

The supervisor said, ‘Oh, so it’s the president?’

The young trooper said, ‘No, He’s even more important than that.’

The supervisor finally asked, ‘Well then, who is it?’

The young trooper said, ‘I think it’s Jesus because He’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!’

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Wedding Humor

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Cold Water Humor

A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?"

Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"

So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Washing a Cat - Quick & Easy


1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.



Monday, March 23, 2009

Genie Humor

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a
Swiss bank account."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right

POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red Ferrari

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Leadership Humor

A very successful businessman was once asked in an interview:

"To what do you attribute your amazing success?"

He replied, "Good decisions."

"Well then," the reporter countered, "to what do you attribute
your good decisions?"

"Good Judgment." the businessman answered.

"And how did you acquire your good judgment?" The reporter

"Experience." the business man replied.

"And how did you gain this experience?" asked the reporter.

"Bad decisions."

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Driving Humor

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sheriff and Veterinarian Humor

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Post Office Humor

There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

He opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am an 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office.

Sincerely, Edna

Monday, March 16, 2009

Wheelbarrow Humor

The young construction worker was boasting that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of his older
co-workers. Finally, the old guy decided he'd had
enough and said to the youngster,
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be
able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart said.
"Let's see you do your stuff!"

The old man reached out and grabbed a wheelbarrow
by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Aggies and Astronomy

Did you hear about the Aggies who decided to build a rocket ship that
could travel to the sun?

Engineers asked, "Won't your ship burn up as it gets close to the sun's

The Aggies replied, " We thought of that, and that's why we're going to
go at night."

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

~ Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

~ Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

~ Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses--Exodus 2:16-21)

~ Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10)

~ Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25)

~ Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam--Genesis 2:19-24)
~ Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30)

~ Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David--1 Samuel 18:27)

~ Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain--Genesis 4:16-17)

~ Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4)

~ When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson--Judges 14:1-3)

~ Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).(David--2 Samuel 11)

~ Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

~ Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon--1 Kings 11:1-3)

~ A wife?...NOT? (Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Monday, March 9, 2009

Pharmacy Humor

Michael strode in to his doctors office and said,
"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my
prescription and to check the prescription you've been
giving to a Mrs. Rogers."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since
when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

Michael says, "Since he found out that the birth
control pills that you prescribed for me did nothing
about my hemorrhoids, and the salve you prescribed
for Mrs. Rogers did not stop her from getting pregnant."

A Unique Theft

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Beauty Humor

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend,
"And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

Vaccuum Cleaner Salesman Humor

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed vacuum cleaner salesman.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away," protested the old lady, "I haven’t got any money!" she exclaimed, as she tried to shut the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don’t be too hasty," he said, "not at least until you have seen my demonstration."
And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Genie Humor

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a
Swiss bank account."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right

POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red Ferrari

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.

Ministry Humor

An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter
morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing
that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this
opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New

Monday, March 2, 2009

Communication Humor

Soon after their last child had left home for college, a woman was sitting on a couch with her husband's head resting in her lap. She carefully removed his glasses and then exclaimed, "you know, honey, without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Apartment Building Humor

Three men died and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter met them at the entrance and asked each of them to tell how they died.

The first guy stepped forward and began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. I had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair, so one day I came home from work two hours early in order possibly to catch her with someone in the apartment. When I got home, my wife was very startled, and I saw a pair of men's pants (not mine) on the floor. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man then stepped forward to tell his story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died."

The third man then began to tell his story: "Imagine this--I am hiding in this refrigerator...."