Super Bowl Humor

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away.

Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."

Psychology Humor

A man had his first appointment with a psychiatrist and when asked why he was there, the man said, "Doctor, I'm tired of being on the outside looking in."

"Well," responded the doctor, "sounds like we have to try to improve your self-image. Let's get a few basic facts first. What do you do for a living?"

The patient replied, "I'm a window washer."

Psychology Humor

"What's the usual tip?" a man growled when a college boy delivered his pizza.

"Well," the student replied, "this is my first delivery, but the other guys said that if I got a quarter out of you, I'd be doing great."

"That so?" grunted the man. "In that case, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," the student said, "I'll put it in my college fund."

"By the way, what are you studying?"

"Applied psychology."

Teamwork Humor

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is and what a teamwork is all about?"

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

"Do you understand that what really matters is not whether we win or lose, but that we play together as a team?"

The little boy nodded yes.

"Good," the coach continued. "And, when a strike is called, or you're thrown out at first, you don't argue, curse, attack the umpire with a bat, or throw dirt in the opposing team members face. Do you understand all that?"

Again the little boy nodded, "Well, sure, coach. That's what you taught us."

"Good," said the coach. "Now, please go over there and explain all that to your mother."

Christmas Humor

A man from Toronto called his son in Calgary two days before Christmas
and said, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother
and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son shouted.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father said.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call
your sister in Vancouver and tell her."

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. "No way
they're getting divorced!" she shouted, "I'll take care of this."

She called her parents immediately and screamed at her father, "You are not
getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my
brother back, and we'll both be there by tomorrow. Until then, don't do
a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hung up.

The old man hung up the phone and turned to his wife. "Okay," he says,
"they're coming for Christmas and paying their own way."

Super Bowl Humor

A sports fan was sitting in the top row at the Super Bowl, barely able to see the field. He noticed a vacant seat about 3 rows back on the 50-yard line. It was still vacant when the second quarter started, so he went down and asked the man seated next to it if anyone was sitting there.

The man said "No, have a seat." A few minutes later he asked the man if he knew whose seat this was and why they weren't here at such an important event. The man said that for ten years it had been his wife's seat but that she had passed away.

Feeling sorry for the nice man, the fan asked if he didn't have a friend or family member that he could have offered the seat to instead of just leaving it vacant. The man said "No, they're all at the funeral."

Fishing Humor

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice and dropped in his fishing line. He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not far from him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.

The old man couldn't believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. But, shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch.

The young boy kept catching fish after fish. Finally, the old man couldn't take it any longer. "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You've been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you're saying."

The boy spit the contents of his mouth into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Letter Humor

National Health Insurance, Inc.
ATTN: Claims Review
PO Box 17342
New York, NY 12276

Dear Sir/Madam:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information. In block number 3 of the accident report form, I put "trying to do the job alone" as the cause of my accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully, and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the date of the accident I was working alone on the roof of a new 6-story building. When I completed my work, I discovered that I had about 500 pounds of brick left over. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which fortunately was attached to the side of the building, at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out, and loaded the brick into it. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 500 pounds of brick. You will note in block number 11 of the accident report that I weigh 135 pounds.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rather rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming down. This explains the fractured skull and broken collarbone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

Fortunately, by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope in spite of my pain.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground -- and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel now weighed approximately 50 pounds.

I refer you again to my weight in block number 11. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations of my legs and lower body. The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell onto the pile of bricks, and, fortunately, only 3 vertebrae were cracked.

I'm sorry to report, however, that as I lay there on the bricks, in pain, unable to stand, and watching the empty barrel 6 stories above me -- I again lost my presence of mind, and I let go of the rope. The empty barrel weighed more than the rope as it came back down on me and broke both my legs.

I hope I have furnished the information you require as to how the accident occurred.

Sincerely,
Billy Wohlnut

Leadership Humor

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy."

Funeral Humor

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The minister apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul.

As he preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" He preached like he'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelation.

He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Golf Humor

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Letters to Pastors

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold
Age 8, Nashville


Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete
Age 9, Phoenix


Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert
Age 11, Anderson


Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty
Age 10, New Haven


Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen
Age 8, Chicago


Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen
Age 9, Tacoma


Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander
Age 10, Raleigh


Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua
Age 10, South Pasadena


Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla
Age 10, Salina


Dear Pastor,
I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph
Age 11, Akron

Good News, Bad News Humor

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."

The man asks for the good news first:

"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.

The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??"

"I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday."

WC Humor

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, a British woman was planning a trip to Germany. She was registered to stay in a small guesthouse owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guesthouse contained a WC. (In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC, which stands for water closet.) She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring as to the location of the nearest WC.

The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a Wayside Chapel near the house...a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell, which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

Sincerely,
Schoolmaster

Sharing Humor

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

Talking Dog Humor

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Artist Humor

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."

Telephone Humor

A girl called directory assistance to get her boyfriend's new telephone number. She then dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" she asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, she dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Dog Humor

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

"Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Test Humor

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

11. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

12. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

13. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

14. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

15. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

16. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

17. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Phone Humor

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes."

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000."

MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Foreign Language Humor

A Swiss guy, visiting the U.S., pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

The two Yanks just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off. The first Yank turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Fisherman Humor

An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Moth Humor

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's office.

Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a moth!"

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "Well...the light was on..."

Lawyer Humor

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

Lawyer Humor

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

Joe continued, "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Aggie Humor

Two Aggies are putting up a fence.

Aggie #1: "Hey, this nail is defective. The point is on the wrong end!"

Aggie #2: "It's not defective, you goof. It's for the other side of the fence!"

Job Security Humor

After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.
Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Dewey, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage."

"How much will it cost?" Dewey asked.

"About $5,000," the owner replied.

"Finally!" Dewey exclaimed. "Job security!"

Aggie Humor

Two hunters, who were Aggies, got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, "I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."

Racetrack Humor

Charlie was a regular visitor at the racetrack. One afternoon he noticed an unusual sight. Right before the first race, a Catholic priest visited one of the horses in the stable area and gave it a blessing. Charlie watched the horse race very carefully, and sure enough the blessed horse came in first!

Charlie followed the priest before the next race, and again he went to the stables and performed a similar procedure. Charlie played hunch and put a couple of dollars on the blessed horse. Sure enough the blessed horse came in by two lengths and Charlie won close to fifty bucks!

The priest continued the same procedure through the next few races and Charlie won each time. He was now ahead $1,000, so between races Charlie left the track and went to the bank and withdraw his life's savings $20,000.

The biggest race of the day was the last one. Charlie followed the priest and watched carefully which horse he blessed. He then went to the betting window and put his whole $21,000 bundle of cash on that horse to win.

Then Charlie went out to watch the horses race. Down the stretch they came, and as they crossed the finish line, the horse Charlie's fortune was bet on was dead last!

Charlie was crushed. He located the priest and told him that he had been watching him bless the horses all day, and they all became winners except the last horse on which he had bet his life savings. Charlie then asked, "What happened to the last horse which you blessed? Why didn't it win like the others?"

"That's the trouble with you Protestants," sighed the priest. "You can never tell the difference between a blessing and the last rites."

Church Humor

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way
to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"

One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Flower Shop Humor

A young man at the flower shop was taking an unusually long time to place his order.

When the clerk asked how she could help, he explained that his girlfriend was turning 19 and he couldn't decide whether to give her a dozen roses or 19 roses -- one for each year of her life.

The woman put aside her business judgment and advised, "She may be your 19-year-old girlfriend now, but someday she could be your 50-year-old wife."

The young man bought a dozen roses.

Swimming Humor

The Great Lakes Laboratory employed a licensed boat captain to man its research vessel. Reportedly, the captain couldn't swim. A newcomer, learning of this, approached him about it.

"Is it true?" the newcomer asked incredulously. "You, a boat captain, can't swim?"

"No, I can't," the captain replied. "Can pilots fly?"

Lawyer Humor

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick.

"Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom." He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed.

Nothing happened.

Finally the lawyer said, "Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquired the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

The jury foreman replied: "Oh, we did look, but your client didn't."

Preaching Humor

One Sunday morning, the preacher had just finished his sermon and went and sat down with his wife. She then asked him how he thought the church service went.

The Preacher shrugged and said, "The worship was excellent, and I think the prayer and communion times went quite well, but," he continued, "I just don't think the sermon ever got off the ground."

The wife looked over at him, and before she could stop herself, she said, "Well, it sure did taxi long enough!"

Lawnmower Humor

A preacher was making his rounds to his parishioners on a bicycle, when he came upon a little boy trying to sell a lawn mower. "How much do you want for the mower?" asked the preacher.

"I just want enough money to go out and buy me a bicycle," said the little boy.

After a moment of consideration, the preacher asked, "Will you take my bike in trade for it?"

The little boy asked if he could try it out first, and, after riding the bike around a little while, said, "Mister, you've got yourself a deal."

The preacher took the mower and began to try to crank it. He pulled on the cord a few times with no response from the mower. The preacher called the little boy over and said, "I can't get this mower to start."

The little boy said, "That's because you have to cuss at it to get it started."

The preacher said, "I'm a minister, and I can't cuss. It's been so long since I've been saved that I don't even remember how to cuss."

The little boy looked at him happily and said, "Just keep pulling on that cord. It'll come back to ya."

Mirror Humor

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself.

"You know, dear," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, every thing else is either sagging or bloated. I've got fat legs, and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He studies hard for a moment thinking about it and then says in a soft, thoughtful voice, "Well, there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

Services for the husband will be held Saturday morning at 10:30 AM at Morris Memorial Chapel. Female friends of the family are invited.

Marksmanship Humor

One of the best marksmen in the FBI was passing through a small town, and was astonished to notice evidence of the most amazing shooting. On trees, on walls, and on fences there were numerous bull's-eyes with a bullet hole in dead center of each one.

The FBI man asked a local resident about the person responsible for this wonderful marksmanship. The resident introduced him to the shooter.

"This is the best marksmanship I have ever seen," said the FBI man. "How in the world do you do it?"

"Nothing to it," said the man. "I shoot first and draw the circles afterward."

Top 10 Worst-Dressed World Leaders (Funny)

This slideshow is funny.

Freeway Humor

An older man was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's some idiot driving a car the wrong way on Highway 280. Please be careful!"

"Hazel!" said Herman, "It's not just one car! There's hundreds of them!"

Tooth Fairy Humor

LETTER FROM THE TOOTH FAIRY

Dear _________________ :

Thank you for leaving one [1] tooth under your pillow last night.

While we make every attempt to leave a monetary reward in the case of lost or stolen children's teeth, we were unable to process your request for the following reason[s] indicated below:

[ ] the tooth could not be found

[ ] it was not a human tooth

[ ] the tooth has previously been redeemed for cash

[ ] the tooth did not originally belong to you

[ ] you were overheard to state that you do not believe in the Tooth Fairy

[ ] you are age 12 or older at the time your request was received

[ ] the tooth is still in your mouth

[ ] the tooth was guarded by a vicious, fairy-eating dog at the time of our visit

[ ] no night light was on at the time of our visit

[ ] the snacks provided for the Tooth Fairy were not satisfactory, or were missing

[ ] we discovered evidence of unsafe tooth extraction as follows: [ ] string [ ] pliers [ ] gunpowder [ ] hammer marks [ ] chisel

[ ] Other:__________________________________________________

Thank you for your request, and we look forward to serving you in the future.

Sincerely,

The Tooth Fairy

Skydiving Humor

A new skydiver and his instructor were high in the air when the student was getting ready to jump. Just before he was ready to leap his teacher gave him some final instructions.

"Listen carefully! You jump...count to 3...and pull your rip cord! If that doesn't work, pull the cord on your reserve chute! There will be a truck down there to pick you up!"

The new skydiver took a deep breath and plunged into the open air. After free falling he counted to 3 and pulled his ripcord. Nothing happened. He pulled the cord on his reserve chute, and nothing happened. Totally disgusted, the skydiver said...

"DARN! I'll bet that truck's not down there either!"

College Humor

A woman was bragging about her son, a college student: "He's so brilliant! Every time we get a letter from him we have to go to the dictionary."

"You're lucky," her friend said. "Every time we get a letter from ours, we have to go to the bank."

Marriage Counseling Humor

A husband and wife go to a counselor after 15 years of marriage.

The counselor asks them what the problem is and the wife goes into a tirade, listing every problem they have ever had in the 15 years they've been married. She goes on and on and on.

Finally, the counselor gets up, goes around the desk, embraces the woman, and kisses her passionately.

The woman shuts up and sits quietly in a daze. The counselor turns to the husband and says "That is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do that?"

The husband says, "I can bring her in on Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays I go fishing."

All I Need to Know I Learned on a Cattle Ranch

1. Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

2. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

3. There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman...neither works.

4. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

5. Always drink upstream from the herd.

6. If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

7. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in
your pocket.

8. There are three kinds of men:
- The ones who learn by reading.
- The few who learn by observation.
- The rest of them have to touch the electric fence to see if it's really on.

9. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
judgment.

10. If you're riding ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then
to make sure it's still there.

Boss Humor

A manager was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said: "Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back."

Licorice Humor

Three boys walked into a candy store. The store owner asked the first boy what he wanted. He answered, "I would like 25 cents worth of licorice."

The licorice was on the top shelf so the owner had to go to the back of the store to get a ladder, which didn't make him happy at all. He got the licorice and before he served the next boy he put the ladder up.

Then he came back and asked the next boy what he wanted. He answered, "I would like 25 cents worth of licorice."

The owner was really upset now not thinking to ask the next boy if he wanted licorice or not. So after he had gotten the ladder and the licorice and before he put the ladder away he asked the third boy if he would also like 25 cents worth of licorice. "No, but..."

"No buts about it kid. Yes or no"

"No."

So the owner put the ladder away and then came and asked the last boy what he wanted. He said, "I'd like 20 cents worth of licorice, please."

Roast Humor

Harry hosted a dinner party. One of his guests was a surgeon.

While deftly carving the roast, Harry kept up a running commentary: "How am I doing, Doc? How do you like that technique? I'd make a pretty good surgeon, don't you think?"

When Harry had finished and the slices of meat lay neatly on the serving platter, the surgeon spoke up: "Anybody can take them apart, Harry. Now let's see you put them back together again."

Communication Humor

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, "May I help you?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those divorces."

The attorney said, "Well, do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."

The attorney said, "No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere."

The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."

The exasperated attorney said, "Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"

The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."

Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"

And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."

Wallpaper Humor

Joan decided to redecorate. She wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper she would need for the bedroom but she knew that Buffy next door had recently done the same job, and the two apartments were identical in size.

"Buffy," she said, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"

"Ten," said Buffy.

So Joan bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job, but had 2 rolls left over.

"Buffy," she said, "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"

"Yeah," said Buffy, "So did I."

God's Timing Humor

A man once asked God, “Lord, how long is a thousand years to you?” And the Lord replied, “My child, they are as a second.”

And the man asked, “Lord how much is a million dollars to you?” And the Lord replied, “My child, it is just as a penny.”

So the man asked, “Lord can I have a penny?” And the Lord replied, “Yes my child… In just a second.”

Kids in Church

KIDS IN CHURCH

A little boy was overheard praying:
'Lord, if you can't make me a better boy, don't worry about it.
I'm having a real good time like I am.'


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After the christening of his baby brother in church,
Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied,
'That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home,
and I wanted to stay with you guys.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A father was at the beach with his children
when the four-year-old son ran up to him,
grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore
where a seagull lay dead in the sand.
'Daddy, what happened to him?' the son asked..
'He died and went to Heaven,' the Dad replied.
The boy thought a moment and then said,
'Did God throw him back down?'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
'Would you like to say the blessing?'
'I wouldn't know what to say,' the girl replied.
'Just say what you hear Mommy say,' the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
'Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?'

Helicopter Humor

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that helicopter."

Edna always replied, "I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

One year Buddy and Edna went to the fair, and Buddy said, "Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance."

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks."

The pilot overheard the couple and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of crazy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, trying to elicit even a peep, but still not a word!

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I am impressed!"

Buddy replied, "Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks!"

Dentist Humor

A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.The man said to the dentist, "Doctor, I'm in one hell of a big hurry! I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf. So forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!"

The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness,this sure is a very brave man, asking me to pull his tooth without using anything to kill the pain."So the dentist asked him, "Which tooth is it, sir?"

The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, Honey, and show the doctor which tooth hurts."

Preaching Humor

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

Dangling Participle Humor

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Actual Questions Asked at Libraries

ACTUAL QUESTIONS ASKED AT LIBRARIES

~ "Do you have books here?"

~ "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

~ "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

~ "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

~ "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

~ "Where is the reference desk?" (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!)

~ "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

~ "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"

~ "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

~ "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

~ "I need a color photograph of Socrates."

~ "I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

~ "I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

~ "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

~ "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at first floor reference desk)

~ "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Baby Names Humor

A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).

Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.

But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.

When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.

She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."

"Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.

"I know, but he named your son Denephew!"

Teen/Cat Humor

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers act as if they did.

Cab Humor

A man got into a cab and as they were driving down the street he thought of something to add to his directions so he reached up and tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver jumped two feet in the air, lost control of the cab, it careened through traffic and came to stop on the sidewalk two inches from a plate glass window.

The passenger said "Gee, I'm sorry. I had no idea that a simple tap on the shoulder would affect you that way."

The driver replied "No, it's totally my fault. This is my first week driving a cab. I was a hearse driver for the past 25 years."

Alligator Humor

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "Be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge
12-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Language Humor

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere was a bit confused, but then smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Yes, of course," the portiere answered, "but over here we call them lifts."

"Now you listen," the American said, rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator!"

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

She was Soooooooo Blonde......

She thought a quarterback was a refund.
She thought General Motors was in the army.
She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote.... "Sagittarius."
She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
She tripped over a cordless phone.
She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
She studied for a blood test.
She sold the car for gas money.
When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front."

Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was
time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Heaven Humor

Three good friends were driving along on the highway one Saturday: a doctor, a teacher, and a lawyer. All of a sudden, a brand-new SUV cut them off. In an attempt to miss the shiny big vehicle, the driver swerved to the left and hit the median. The car flipped several times and all three friends died instantly.

They all found themselves in line waiting to get into Heaven. The doctor asked the others, "Hey, what do you want people to say at your funeral? I want them to say, 'She was a great doctor, and she never let down any of her patients.'"

The teacher said, "I want people to remember me as a great educator, so I would want to hear people say, 'He was a wonderful teacher, a great role model for children, and he changed countless lives throughout his career.'"

Then the lawyer said, "I'd like people to say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

Tax Humor

At an open conference in Vermont, the state tax commissioner asked the audience which sort of taxation they thought was the most fair and equitable.

There was a pause, and then a white-haired man in the back raised his hand. "The poll tax," he said.

"But the poll tax was repealed some time ago," replied the commissioner.

"Ay-yuh," declared the old man, "that's what I like about it."

More IRS Humor

The local bar was so sure that it’s bartender was the strongest man around that they had a standing $1,000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron.

Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time, but nobody could do it.

One day, a scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit.

“I’d like to try the bet,” he said in a tiny, squeaky voice. After the laughter had died down, the bartender grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away.

He handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1,000 and asked the little man what he did for a living. Was he a lumberjack, or a weightlifter, or what?

“I work for the IRS”, replied the small wrinkled man.

IRS Humor

A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:

"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."

Twelve Amusing Excuses for Being Late to Work

Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:

1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.

2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.

3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.

4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.

5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.

6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.

7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.

8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.

9. My father didn't wake me up.

10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.

11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.

12. I had to go to bingo.

(This list comes from a recent CareerBuilder article)

IRS Humor

Dear IRS,

Enclosed is my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.

I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)

It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.

Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer

Aging Humor

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that
is red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

Famous Dog Quotes

"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
Gene Hill

"In dog years, I'm dead."
Unknown

"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx

"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley

"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner

"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Dereke Bruce

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams

"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown

"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
Unknown

"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley

"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Holbrook Jackson

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney

"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain

"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck

Worm Humor

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

Grandmother Humor

A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

"You mean you're coming empty handed?"

Proofreading Humor

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Billy Graham Humor

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement.

When his plane arrived there was a white limousine waiting there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

‘You know’ he said, ‘I am 90 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?’

The driver said, ‘No problem. Have at it.’

Billy got into the driver’s seat and they headed off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long, white limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He then got out of his patrol car to begin the normal questioning procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door, and when the glass rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his patrol car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, ‘I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies.

I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.’

The supervisor asked, ‘Is it the governor?’

The young trooper said, ‘No, He’s more important than that.’

The supervisor said, ‘Oh, so it’s the president?’

The young trooper said, ‘No, He’s even more important than that.’

The supervisor finally asked, ‘Well then, who is it?’

The young trooper said, ‘I think it’s Jesus because He’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!’

Wedding Humor

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Cold Water Humor

A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?"

Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"

So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

Washing a Cat - Quick & Easy

WASHING A CAT - QUICK & EASY!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

A DOG OWNER

Genie Humor

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a
Swiss bank account."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red Ferrari
appears.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.

Leadership Humor

A very successful businessman was once asked in an interview:

"To what do you attribute your amazing success?"

He replied, "Good decisions."

"Well then," the reporter countered, "to what do you attribute
your good decisions?"

"Good Judgment." the businessman answered.

"And how did you acquire your good judgment?" The reporter
pressed.

"Experience." the business man replied.

"And how did you gain this experience?" asked the reporter.

"Bad decisions."

Driving Humor

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies--two in the front seat and three in the back--wide-eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly 22 miles an hour!", the old woman says a bit proudly.

The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the highway number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 119."

Sheriff and Veterinarian Humor

The sheriff of a small town was also the town's veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

Post Office Humor

There was a man who worked for the Post Office, whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came to his desk addressed in shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

He opened it and read:

Dear God,

I am an 93-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to his fellow workers. Each of them dug into their wallets and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all of the workers felt a warm glow for the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All of the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieves at the Post Office.

Sincerely, Edna

Wheelbarrow Humor

The young construction worker was boasting that he
could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a
special case of making fun of one of his older
co-workers. Finally, the old guy decided he'd had
enough and said to the youngster,
"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is? I
will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a
wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be
able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart said.
"Let's see you do your stuff!"

The old man reached out and grabbed a wheelbarrow
by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he
said, "All right. Get in."

Aggies and Astronomy

Did you hear about the Aggies who decided to build a rocket ship that
could travel to the sun?

Engineers asked, "Won't your ship burn up as it gets close to the sun's
surface?"

The Aggies replied, " We thought of that, and that's why we're going to
go at night."

Top 15 Biblical Ways to Acquire a Wife

~ Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)

~ Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)

~ Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses--Exodus 2:16-21)

~ Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz--Ruth 4:5-10)

~ Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites--Judges 21:19-25)

~ Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam--Genesis 2:19-24)
~ Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob--Genesis 29:15-30)

~ Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David--1 Samuel 18:27)

~ Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) (Cain--Genesis 4:16-17)

~ Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus--Esther 2:3-4)

~ When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." (Samson--Judges 14:1-3)

~ Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though).(David--2 Samuel 11)

~ Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) (Onana and Boaz--Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)

~ Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon--1 Kings 11:1-3)

~ A wife?...NOT? (Paul--1 Corinthians 7:32-35)

Pharmacy Humor

Michael strode in to his doctors office and said,
"Doc, my druggist said to tell you to change my
prescription and to check the prescription you've been
giving to a Mrs. Rogers."

"Oh, he did, did he?" the doctor shot back. "And since
when does a druggist second guess a doctor's orders?"

Michael says, "Since he found out that the birth
control pills that you prescribed for me did nothing
about my hemorrhoids, and the salve you prescribed
for Mrs. Rogers did not stop her from getting pregnant."

A Unique Theft

A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues.

A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

Beauty Humor

Before Linda became engaged, she was quite the beauty, and didn't mind letting her boyfriend know it, too.
"A lot of men are gonna be totally miserable when I marry," she told him.
"Really?" asked the boyfriend,
"And just how many men are you intending to marry?"

Vaccuum Cleaner Salesman Humor

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day to be confronted by a well-dressed vacuum cleaner salesman.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high powered vacuum cleaners.

"Go away," protested the old lady, "I haven’t got any money!" she exclaimed, as she tried to shut the door.

Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don’t be too hasty," he said, "not at least until you have seen my demonstration."
And with that he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."

"Well," she said, "I hope you’ve got a darned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

Genie Humor

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a
Swiss bank account."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red Ferrari
appears.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.

Ministry Humor

An elderly pastor, looking over his large congregation on Easter
morning, startled them with this announcement: "My friends, realizing
that I will not see many of you until next Easter, may I take this
opportunity to wish all of you a merry Christmas and a happy New
Year!"

Communication Humor

Soon after their last child had left home for college, a woman was sitting on a couch with her husband's head resting in her lap. She carefully removed his glasses and then exclaimed, "you know, honey, without your glasses, you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good too!"

Apartment Building Humor

Three men died and went to heaven. When they arrived, St. Peter met them at the entrance and asked each of them to tell how they died.

The first guy stepped forward and began his story: "I lived on the 25th floor of a high rise apartment building. I had a suspicion that my wife was having an affair, so one day I came home from work two hours early in order possibly to catch her with someone in the apartment. When I got home, my wife was very startled, and I saw a pair of men's pants (not mine) on the floor. I got extremely upset. I went through the house searching everywhere. Under the table, in the closet, even under the bed. I couldn't find anyone. Then I looked outside on the balcony and saw two hands hanging onto the ledge. I ran outside looked down at him and noticed that he wasn't wearing any pants. I took off my shoe and started beating his hands. He fell 25 stories and landed on the canvas in front of the building. He wasn't dead. So I rolled the refrigerator out and pushed it on top of him. When I did, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second man then stepped forward to tell his story: "I am a window washer at a high rise apartment building. I was washing windows on the 27th floor when my scaffold broke. My pants got caught on the scaffold and ripped off. I managed to stay alive by grabbing a ledge of a balcony. I was okay until this guy started beating my hands with his shoes. I fell and landed on the canvas in front of the building. I was still alive. Then the next thing I know, a refrigerator landed on me and I died."

The third man then began to tell his story: "Imagine this--I am hiding in this refrigerator...."

Amazing Quotes

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
~ David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
~ Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
~ Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
~ John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
~ Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
~ Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
~ President Richard Nixon

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
~ Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
~ Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane

"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
~ Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
~ Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
~ Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
~ Knight-Ridder News Service dispatch

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
~ Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"Try a Little Kindness" Humor

Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow
older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as they did when they were
younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took
"early retirement" in April, it became necessary for
Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we need. It was
shortly after she started working that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper.

I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she finally does get supper on
the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after supper. I do what
I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the
basement. Sometimes she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I
am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless
I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge
meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or
to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like
that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening
to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time
to do some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this
allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more
leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try
to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you
know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest
breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. I tell her that as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me and take
her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until
I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that
the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how
frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob

BOB'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.
NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.

Long Hair Humor

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked
his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use
of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They
again went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had
long hair...." To which hisfather replied, "Yes, and they walked
every where they went!"

Test Humor

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to
party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up
telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before
due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure
that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go
to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just
shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points,
tell me WHICH tire it was!"

Three Sons Humor

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were ableto give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Bank Robbery Humor

During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.
Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."
"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."

Life Insurance Humor

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.
During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."

Thinking on your Feet Humor

A wealthy older lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Floral Humor

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Redneck Valentine's Day Poem

A Redneck Valentine

Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales But I luv you anyway.
You’re as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud;
I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.
Still them fellers at work They all want to know,
What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles And stick ‘em in the can.
Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no fire ant Upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin’.
And when you get old Like a ‘57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank,
We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, It’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,” They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do.
For you are too special, You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds it’s a new trollin’ motor.