Auction Humor

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

Cat Humor

The couple's young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To her mother's distress, the cat began to use the back of their new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," her husband reassured her. "I'll have him trained in no time." They watched for several days as he patiently "trained" their new pet. Whenever the cat scratched, he deposited the cat outdoors to teach him a lesson. The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.

Horse Humor

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse, named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move. Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try."

Kitten Humor

A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Blonde Humor

A Blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dogs, which have been barking incessantly for hours and hours.

Totally fed up, the Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had just about enough of this," and she heads downstairs.

When she finally returns the dogs are barking even louder than before. Her husband asks, "What were you doing down there?"

She replied, "I went out back and brought BOTH of THOSE dogs into OUR backyard. Let's just see how THEY like it!"

Why Women Like Cats

- Cats don't criticize your mother.

- Cats never question how much you're eating.

- Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep.

- Cats are happy to let you drive.

- Cats always look good first thing in the morning.

- Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut.

Cow Humor

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field.

A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a
cow, with his Bible in its mouth!

The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."

Dalmatian Humor

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

How Dogs are Better than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Horse Humor

A country preacher was selling his horse that he had owned for many years. A man from the city came to buy the horse. The preacher explained that he had taught the horse to start with the phrase "Praise the Lord" and to stop using "Amen."

The man was in a hurry to test ride the horse and didn't pay much attention to what the preacher said. He got on the horse and said "Praise the Lord." The horse took off. The man took him on a long ride. The horse went pretty fast.

The man saw that he was approaching the edge of a cliff and wanted to stop. He couldn't remember what to say to stop the horse. He was getting closer and closer to the edge and beginning to panic when he remembered and shouted "Amen!" The horse stopped short, just at the edge of the cliff. The man sighed and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Race Humor

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Sleep Humor

One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.

The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

Cat Humor

A woman visits a psychiatrist, complaining that she thinks she's a cat.

She says,"I meow, purr, and try to sharpen my claws on the furniture. You've got to help me!"

He asks her, "How long has this been going on?"

She replies, "Since I was a kitten."

Baptism Humor

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Companion Humor

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."

And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."

And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.

And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

Car Humor

Janice pulled into a crowded parking lot and rolled down the
car windows to make sure her Labrador Retriever had fresh
air. The dog was stretched out on the back seat, and Janice
wanted to impress upon it that it must remain there.

As Janice walked to the curb backwards, she pointed her
finger at the car and emphatically began repeating, "Now you
stay. Do you hear me? Stay!"

The driver of a nearby car gave Janice a startled look.

"I don't know about you, lady," he said a little
incredulously, "But I usually just put my car in park."

Cow Humor

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy
farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out
and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had
happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had
been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the
hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks
like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the
field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just
passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your
cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's
old Bessie."

The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just
said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie,
son. She don't know a thing about cars."

Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog

1. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.

2. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.

3. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.

4. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.

5. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.

6. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.

7. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.

8. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.

Blonde Humor

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.

Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"

"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."