Monday, September 27, 2010

Skydiving Humor

A man is skydiving, enjoying his free-fall, when he realizes that he has reached the altitude where he must open his parachute. So he pulls on the rip cord, but nothing happens.

"No problem," he says to himself, "I still have my emergency chute." So he pulls the rip cord on his emergency parachute, and once again, nothing happens. Now the man begins to panic.

"What am I going to do?" he thinks, "I'm a goner..."

Just then he sees a man flying up from the earth toward him. He can't figure out where this man is coming from, or what he's doing, but he thinks to himself, "Maybe he can help me. If he can't, then I'm done for."

When the man gets close enough to him, the skydiver cups his hands and shouts down, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?"

The other man replies, "No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Friday, September 24, 2010

Dorm Humor

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Monday, September 20, 2010

Lawyer Humor

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

Friday, September 17, 2010

Pastor Humor

A pastor decided to upgrade the church restrooms by installing hot-air hand dryers. However, after two weeks, he took them out.

Someone asked him why and he confessed that they worked fine, but when he went in there he saw a scribbled sign that read, "For a sample of this week's sermon, push the button."

Monday, September 13, 2010

Baptism Humor

Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

Friday, September 10, 2010

Exam Humor

In the examination paper, the professor wanted the students to sign a form stating that they had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.

The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

The Job Test


To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

If you were an extinct society, what would you do?

2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.

Define the universe; give three examples.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Gas Humor

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.

"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."

The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."