Prayers From Children

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

Left-Handed Humor

Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful. His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?" Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and he did it left handed." This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him "What makes you say God did this with his left hand?" "Well," said Bobby, "we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God's right hand."

Hay Humor

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off. "You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand." "No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it." "Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water." Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!" "Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

Sunday School Humor

A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan. She asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?" A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence: "I think I'd throw up."

Sermon Humor

This is a story about a little girl who, on the way home from church, turned to her mother and said, "Mommy, the Preacher's sermon this morning confused me." The mother said, "Oh! Why is that?" The girl replied, "Well, he said that God is bigger than we are. Is that true?" "Yes, that's true," the mother replied. "He also said that God lives within us. Is that true, too?" Again the mother replied, "Yes." "Well," said the girl. "If God is bigger than us and He lives in us, wouldn't He show through?"

Food Humor

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep.

And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light.

And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit."

And God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit.

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives. And the Devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double cheeseburger. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the Devil brought forth chocolate. And Woman gained 5 pounds. And Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God sent heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to woo them. And the Devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip. And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

And God created the life-giving tofu. And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And Man told the truth. And Woman went out from the presence of Man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

And Woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food. And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help. And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, Woman received the exercise machine from Man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

Driving Humor

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

France Humor

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.

Drawing Humor

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

Kitten Humor

A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Pig Humor

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"

"Yes."

"And if you had a cow?"

"Absolutely."

"And a goat?"

"Sure."

"A pig?"

"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

Hunting Humor

A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The doctor said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."

Sunday School Humor

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

Cow Humor

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field.

A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a
cow, with his Bible in its mouth!

The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."

Gift Shop Humor

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.

Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Prayer Humor

Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Horse Humor

A country preacher was selling his horse that he had owned for many years. A man from the city came to buy the horse. The preacher explained that he had taught the horse to start with the phrase "Praise the Lord" and to stop using "Amen."

The man was in a hurry to test ride the horse and didn't pay much attention to what the preacher said. He got on the horse and said "Praise the Lord." The horse took off. The man took him on a long ride. The horse went pretty fast.

The man saw that he was approaching the edge of a cliff and wanted to stop. He couldn't remember what to say to stop the horse. He was getting closer and closer to the edge and beginning to panic when he remembered and shouted "Amen!" The horse stopped short, just at the edge of the cliff. The man sighed and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Heaven Humor

A Sunday school teacher asked her class of 5 and 6 year old students the following questions: "lf I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would l get in to heaven? "

All the children answered, "NO!"

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get in to heaven?"

Again their response was ''NO!''

She then continued, then how can l get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "I know, I know. You gotta be dead!''

Pastor Humor

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Three Friends Humor

Three friends -- a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician -- were discussing which profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said: "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure. My profession must be the oldest!"

The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos. That was an engineering job! My profession is the
oldest."

Then the politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"