A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.
After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"
The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
Monday, March 5, 2012
Saturday, March 3, 2012
France Humor
A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.
After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.
After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.
Monday, February 27, 2012
Key Humor
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!"
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!"
Friday, February 24, 2012
Landlord Humor
EXCERPTS FROM REQUESTS SENT TO LANDLORDS
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Aggie Humor
The Texas A&M football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not suppose to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into this eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate......what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four"?!?" the coach exclaimed .... excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into this eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate......what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four"?!?" the coach exclaimed .... excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance."
Aggie Humor
Three men have made careful preparations for a walk into the desert.
Asking each other what they have brought before starting off, the first
says, "I've brought water, so we won't go thirsty."
The second replies, "I've brought food, so we won't go
hungry."
The third one, an Aggie, then proudly adds, "I brought this car
window, so we can roll it down if it gets hot."
Asking each other what they have brought before starting off, the first
says, "I've brought water, so we won't go thirsty."
The second replies, "I've brought food, so we won't go
hungry."
The third one, an Aggie, then proudly adds, "I brought this car
window, so we can roll it down if it gets hot."
Friday, February 17, 2012
Aggie Humor
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars!
Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars!
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