Contractor Humor

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company's CFO. The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700." The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

Lipstick Humor

A certain private school was faced with a unique problem: A number of junior high girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the janitor would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, the principal asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet water, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

Doctor Humor

On the way to preschool, a doctor mom had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought Mom, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

House Humor

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Moon Humor

A middle school student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"

Trash Can Humor

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the summer near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful afterschool enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said, "I haven't received my Social Security (pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?!" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Lawyer Humor

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. But, to his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was standing. St. Peter greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Governor Humor

A lawyer phoned the governor's mansion shortly after midnight. "I need to talk to the governor. It's an emergency!" exclaimed the lawyer. After some cajoling, the governor's assistant agreed to wake him up. "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Jones just died, and I want to take his place," begged the attorney. "Well, it's okay with me if it's okay with the funeral home," replied the governor.

Aggie Humor

Three Aggies drive their pickup into a lumberyard. One of them walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos." "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?" the clerk said. "Let me go check," replied the man, and he went back to the truck. "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours," he said, returning a few moments later. "Alright. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute to think and then finally said, "I'd better go check." After awhile he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're building a house."

Lawyer Humor

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep!" The judge replied: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."

Financial Planning Humor

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Gift Humor

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel- drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Thoughts From Kids on Astronomy and Meteorology

Kids Talk About Astronomy: ~ When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. ~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Kids Talk About Meteorology: ~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. ~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. ~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Coffee Humor

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear -- a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

Store Humor

A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me? Buy one carton of milk. And, if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy SIX cartons of milk?" He replied, "Because they did have avocados.”

Lost Bag Humor

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

First Day of School Humor

On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

Superman Humor

At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman. Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman. This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in kindergarten class. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name. "Superman," he answered politely and without pause. The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please." Again, Ray answered, "Superman." Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records." Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."

Car Humor

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

Deodorant Humor

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy smells stinky armpits to test deodorant." The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and asked if there might be some logical explanation. Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. But how can I explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old?"

Aggie Humor

Two Aggie engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery

~ Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. ~ Someone call the janitor. We're going to need a mop. ~ Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad dog! ~ Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? ~ Hand me that, uh, that uh, thingie. ~ Oh no! I just lost my Rolex. ~ Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? ~ Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! ~ What's this doing here? ~ I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. ~ Well folks, this will be an experiment for us all. ~ Sterile, shcmerile. The floor's clean, right? ~ Anyone see where I left that scalpel? ~ Oh no! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

Digging Humor

A man stopped at a local gas station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?" "Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said. "But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?" "You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg's job's been cut so now it's just me an' Matt."

Prayers From Children

Dear God, please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter. There is nothing good in there now. Amanda Dear God, thank you for the baby brother but what I asked for was a puppy. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up. Joyce Dear Mr. God, I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart I had to have 3 stitches and a shot. Janet Dear God, did you mean for giraffes to look like that or was it an accident? Norma God, I read the Bible. What does beget mean? Nobody will tell me. Love Alison Dear God, how did you know you were God? Who told you? Charlene Dear God, is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his golf words in the house? Anita Dear God, I bet it's very hard for you to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. Nancy Dear God, my grandpa says you were around when he was a little boy. How far back do you go? Love, Dennis Dear God, do you draw the lines around the countries? If you don't, who does? Nathan

Car Battery Humor

An angry motorist went back to the garage where he had purchased an expensive battery for his car just six months earlier. "Listen," the motorist growled to the owner of the garage, "when I bought this battery you said it would be the last battery my car would ever need. It died after only six months!" "Sorry," apologized the garage owner. "I didn't think your car would last longer than that."

Tour Bus Humor

A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta." A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?" "1215," the guide answered. The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an hour."

Fur Coat Humor

A mother and a daughter are Christmas shopping in the mall, when the mother eyes an expensive fur coat. "This year," she says, "I think that I will buy my present instead of making you and dad shop for me." The daughter nods in agreement before the mother continues. "And I think this fur coat would be perfect too." "But mom," the daughter protests, "Some helpless, poor creature has to suffer so that you can have this." "Don't worry honey," replies the mother, "Your father won't get the bill for a couple of weeks."

Diplomacy Humor

A wife was very disappointed and quite upset over her husband’s forgetting her birthday. He diplomatically responded, “How do you expect me to remember your birthday when you never look any older?'"

Lawn Mower Humor

A couple's lawn mower was broken, and the wife kept hinting to her husband that he should get it repaired. But the message never sunk in. She finally thought of a way to make her point. One day the husband arrived home to find her seated in the grass busily snipping away with a pair of scissors. He watched silently for a short time, and then went into the house. He returned a few moments later, handed her a toothbrush and said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the sidewalk."

Senility Prayer

God, Grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Memory Humor

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play games. One day, they were playing games when one looked at the other and said, “Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is!” Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”

Jury Duty Humor

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and quiet calm, and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Ma'am," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all."

Park Humor

REAL QUESTIONS ASKED AT NATIONAL PARKS - Everglades National Park: Are the alligators real? Are the baby alligators for sale? Where are all the rides? What time does the two o'clock bus leave? - Mesa Verde National Park: Did people build this, or did Indians? Why did they build the ruins so close to the road? Do you know of any undiscovered ruins? What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion? Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado? - Carlsbad Caverns National Park: How much of the cave is underground? So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here? How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up? So what is this--just a hole in the ground? - Yosemite National Park: Where are the cages for the animals? What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls? What happened to the other half of Half Dome? Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton? - Denali National Park: What time do you feed the bears? What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake? Can you show me where yeti lives? How often do you mow the tundra? How much does Mount McKinley weigh? - Yellowstone National Park: Does Old Faithful erupt at night? How do you turn it on? When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

Good News, Bad News Humor

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress." "Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is down to 140!"

Lawyer Humor

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

Sneeze Humor

"Grandpa, I'm really proud of you," said the young lady. "What's to be proud of?" asked the old man. The young lady replied, "I noticed that when you sneeze, you've learned to put your hand in front of your mouth." "Of course," explained Grandpa. "How else can I catch my teeth???"