Friday, April 26, 2013

Lawyer Humor

A lawyer was well into a lengthy cross-examination when he stopped and said: "Your honor, one of the jurors is asleep!" The judge replied: "You put him to sleep; you wake him up."

Monday, April 22, 2013

Financial Planning Humor

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business. When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to get married so he could share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Friday, April 19, 2013

Gift Humor

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for her birthday. After hearing about this extravagant gift, a friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel- drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

Monday, April 15, 2013

Thoughts From Kids on Astronomy and Meteorology

Kids Talk About Astronomy: ~ When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting. ~ Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime. Kids Talk About Meteorology: ~ You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don't hear it you got hit, so never mind. ~ I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing. ~ It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live other places.

Friday, April 12, 2013

Coffee Humor

A man put his fifty cents in a vending machine and then watched helplessly as the cup failed to appear -- a nozzle sent coffee down the drain while another poured cream after it. "Now that's automation!" he exclaimed. "It even drinks for you!"

Friday, April 5, 2013

Store Humor

A wife asked her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me? Buy one carton of milk. And, if they have avocados, get 6." A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy SIX cartons of milk?" He replied, "Because they did have avocados.”

Monday, April 1, 2013

Lost Bag Humor

A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest little boy and returned to her. Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm.... That's funny. When I lost my bag there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills." The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."