Dieting Humor

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skipping."

Farmer Humor

A farmer had been swindled many times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced the unit as follows:

- Basic Cow $999.95
- Shipping and Handling $35.75
- Extra Stomach $79.25
- Two-tone Exterior $142.10
- Produce Storage Compartment $128.50
- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper $189.60
- 4-Spigot/High Output Drain System $149.20
- Automatic Fly Swatter $88.50
- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery $170.80
- Deluxe Dual Horns $59.25
- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment $339.40
- 4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly $884.16
- Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb $69.80

Farmer Suggested List Price $3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment $300.00

Total list price (including options) $3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags $418.00

TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $4054.26

Horse Humor

A country preacher was selling his horse that he had owned for many years. A man from the city came to buy the horse. The preacher explained that he had taught the horse to start with the phrase "Praise the Lord" and to stop using "Amen."

The man was in a hurry to test ride the horse and didn't pay much attention to what the preacher said. He got on the horse and said "Praise the Lord." The horse took off. The man took him on a long ride. The horse went pretty fast.

The man saw that he was approaching the edge of a cliff and wanted to stop. He couldn't remember what to say to stop the horse. He was getting closer and closer to the edge and beginning to panic when he remembered and shouted "Amen!" The horse stopped short, just at the edge of the cliff. The man sighed and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Operation Humor

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

Heaven Humor

A Sunday school teacher asked her class of 5 and 6 year old students the following questions: "lf I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would l get in to heaven? "

All the children answered, "NO!"

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get in to heaven?"

Again their response was ''NO!''

She then continued, then how can l get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "I know, I know. You gotta be dead!''

Things Only a Mom Can Teach

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Things Mom Would Never Say

THINGS MOM WOULD NEVER SAY

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Marriage Humor

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors.

The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

The grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."