Amazing Quotes

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
~ David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
~ Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
~ Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
~ John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
~ Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
~ Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
~ President Richard Nixon

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign

"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
~ Vice-President Dan Quayle

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
~ Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane

"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
~ Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
~ Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
~ Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
~ Knight-Ridder News Service dispatch

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
~ Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"Try a Little Kindness" Humor

Dear Friends,

It is important for men to remember that as women grow
older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as they did when they were
younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.

When I got laid off from my consulting job and took
"early retirement" in April, it became necessary for
Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we need. It was
shortly after she started working that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper.

I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she finally does get supper on
the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after supper. I do what
I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes bed.

Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the
basement. Sometimes she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I
am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless
I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge
meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or
to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like
that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening
to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time
to do some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this
allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more
leisurely pace.

Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try
to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you
know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest
breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. I tell her that as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me and take
her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until
I fall asleep.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that
the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how
frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob

BOB'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.
NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.

Long Hair Humor

A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked
his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use
of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."

After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They
again went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"

The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had
long hair...." To which hisfather replied, "Yes, and they walked
every where they went!"

Test Humor

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to
party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up
telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before
due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure
that they knew just about everything.

Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go
to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just
shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points,
tell me WHICH tire it was!"

Three Sons Humor

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were ableto give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."

Bank Robbery Humor

During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.
Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."
"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."

Life Insurance Humor

Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.
During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."

Thinking on your Feet Humor

A wealthy older lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful, aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company. One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long Cuddles discovers that she's lost. Wandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly in her direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in trouble now!"

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she immediately settles down to chew on the bones with her back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up.

The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

The old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with her back to her attackers, pretending she hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says: "Where's that monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Floral Humor

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.

They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card. It said, "Rest in Peace."

The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"

Redneck Valentine's Day Poem

A Redneck Valentine

Kudzu is green, my dog’s name is Blue
And I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue’s And without all them fleas.
You move like the bass, Which excite me in May.
You ain’t got no scales But I luv you anyway.
You’re as graceful as okry Jist a-dancin’ in the pan.
Yo’re as fragrant as SunDrop Right out of the can.
You have all yore teeth, For which I am proud;
I hold my head high When we’re in a crowd.
On special occasions, When you shave yore armpits,
Well, I’m in hawg heaven, I’m plumb outta my wits.
Still them fellers at work They all want to know,
What I did to deserve Such a purty, young doe.
Like a good roll of duct tape Yo’re there fer yore man,
To patch up life’s troubles And stick ‘em in the can.
Yo’re as strong as a four-wheeler Racin’ through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger Named Naomi Judd.
Yo’re as cute as a junebug A-buzzin’ overhead.
You ain’t mean like no fire ant Upon which I oft’ tread.
Cut from the best pattern Like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life Like a Rattletrap shad.
When you hold me real tight Like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete; Ain’t nuttin’ I lack.
Yore complexion, it’s perfection, Like the best vinyl sidin’.
Despite all the years, Yore age, it keeps hidin’.
And when you get old Like a ‘57 Chevy,
Won’t put you on blocks And let grass grow up heavy.
Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie With a RC cold drank,
We go together Like a skunk goes with stank.
Some men, they buy chocolate For Valentine’s Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart, It’s romantic that way.
Some men git roses On that special day
From the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds From a flea market booth.
“Diamonds are forever,” They explain, suave and couth.
But for this man, honey, These will not do.
For you are too special, You sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, Without taste nor odor,
Better than diamonds it’s a new trollin’ motor.

Ministry Humor

A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.

The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked "What are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and ending with, "Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give him the dog."

Elderly Pastor Humor

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.

"Goat," the little boy replied.

"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.'"

Bible Searching

Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.

"Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.

He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Mother-in-Law Humor

A man goes to see Mel Gibson's new movie, The Passion of Christ, and is inspired to take his family to Israel to see the places where Jesus lived and died.

While on vacation, his mother-in-law dies. An undertaker in Tel Aviv explains that they can ship the body home to Wisconsin at a cost of $10,000 or the mother-in-law could be buried in Israel for US $500.

The man says, "We'll ship her home."

The undertaker asks, "Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here."

The man says, "Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

Tax Humor

There's a banging on old Joe's country shack in the middle of the night. He gets up, rubs his eyes, opens the door: It is the Grim Reaper grinning and pointing at him.

"You come with me!"

"Oh," old Joe says, "am I glad to see you. I thought it was the IRS."

Management Humor

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man.

"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down.

The manager walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy.

"I think you need some time off," said the manager. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The manager asked her where did she think she was going?

"Home. I can't work in the dark."

Decision Humor

A king was quite concerned about a decision he had just made, so much so that went to his chief advisor to ask his opinion of it.

"Yeah, I'd say it's your worst decision yet," the plain-talking advisor replied.

Confused, the king asked, "Yet?"

To which the advisor replied, "Well, it's not so bad that I think you're incapable of making a worse decision."

Memorial Stone Humor

A woman's husband died. He had $20,000 to his name.

After paying all the funeral expenses, she told her closest friend that there was no money left.

The friend asked, "How can that be? You told me he had $20,000 a few days before he died. How could you be broke?"

The widow replied, "Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course, I had to make the obligatory donation to the church, pay the organist and all. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, the food and drinks, you know. The rest went for the memorial stone."

The friend asked, "$12,500 for the memorial stone? My goodness, how big was it?"

The widow replied, "Three carats."

Parrot Humor

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says, "the parrot on the left costs 500 dollars."

"Why does the parrot cost so much," asks the man.
The shop owner says, "well, the parrot knows how to use a computer."

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question, "What can it do?"

To which the shop owner replies, "to be honest, I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!"

How Dogs are Better than Women

How Dogs are Better than Women

A dog's parents will never visit you.
A dog loves you when you leave your clothes on the floor.
A dog limits its time in the bathroom to a quick drink.
A dog never expects you to telephone.
A dog will not get mad at you if you forget its birthday.
A dog does not care about the previous dogs in your life.
A dog does not get mad at you if you pet another dog.
A dog never expects flowers on Valentine's Day.
The later you are, the happier a dog is to see you.
A dog does not shop.

How Dogs are Better than Men

How Dogs are Better than Men:

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.
Dogs admit when they're jealous.
Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
Dogs do not play games with you- - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
You can train a dog.
Dogs are easy to buy for.

Dictionary for Dogs

Dictionary for Dogs

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Dog Rules

Dog Rules:

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
2. Okay, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain rooms.
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
5. Fine, the dog is allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
6. Okay, the dog is allowed on the bed, but only by invitation.
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

Dog Property Laws

DOG PROPERTY LAWS

1. If I like it, it's mine.
2. If it's in my mouth, it's mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I'm chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it's mine.
8. If I saw it first, it's mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it's broken, it's yours.

The Five crucial Food Groups According to Dogs

The Five crucial Food Groups According to Dogs:

1. In the bowl. (A good foundation, but important to supplement with other groups.)
2. Off the table. (Most varied group, but best eaten when no one is looking.)
3. On the floor. (A nutritious way to snack between meals.)
4. Grass - taken at least once a day
5. Poop. (At least once a day for overall digestive happiness. May be taken topically via rolling in it.)

Life Lessons Learned from a Dog

Life Lessons Learned from a Dog:

1. If you stare at someone long enough, eventually you'll get what you want.
2. Don't go out without ID.
3. Be direct with people; let them know exactly how you feel by piddling on their shoes.
4. Be aware of when to hold your tongue, and when to use it.
5. Leave room in your schedule for a good nap.
6. Always give people a friendly greeting. A cold nose in the crotch is effective.
7. When you do something wrong, always take responsibility (as soon as you're dragged out from under the bed).
8. If it's not wet and sloppy, it's not a real kiss.

Memory Humor

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, 'Where's my toast ?'

Taxi Driver Humor

A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten dressed up, set the lights, and put the cat put out.

The taxi arrives, and as the couple opened the front door, the cat zips back in between their legs and disappears up the stairs. They don't want the cat shut in the house, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to find the cat and put it out.

The wife, worried abut some recent break-ins in their neighborhood and not wanting it known that the house will be empty, explains to the taxi driver "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab apologetically, "Sorry I took so long" he says, "Stupid old thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger and grab her by the scruff of the neck to get her to come out! Then she slipped away and ran into the closet, but I quickly trapped her in the corner and got a good hold on her."

Thoughts on Exercise Humor

~ If God meant us to touch our toes, he would have put them further up our body.

~ I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

~ If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

~ I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

~ I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

Pavement Humor

There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him, "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you."

The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Seeing the suitcase Peter says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But the man explains to him that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough,. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!?!"

Sermon Humor

One beautiful Sunday morning, a priest announced to his congregation:

"My good people, I have here in my hands four sermons...
a $500 sermon that lasts five minutes,
a $300 sermon that lasts fifteen minutes,
a $50 sermon that lasts a full hour,
and a coin sermon that lasts till noon.

"Now, we'll take the collection to see which one you want."

Grandma Test Humor

THE GRANDMA TEST

I was out walking with my 4-year-old granddaughter. She picked up something
off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from
her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my granddaughter asked.

"Because it's been on the ground. You don't know where it's been, it's
dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.

At this point, my granddaughter looked at me with total admiration and
asked, "Grandma, how do you know all this stuff? You are so smart."

I was thinking quickly, "All Grandmas know this stuff. It's on the Grandma
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Grandma."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently
pondering this new information. "Oh...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you
don't pass the test, you have to be the Grandpa."

"Exactly," I replied.

Valentine's Day Humor

A guy missed getting his wife anything for Valentine's Day. He came home and she was furious. She told him that the only way he could make it up to her was that tomorrow morning there had better be something in the garage that went from 0 to 200 in 3 seconds.

Sure enough, the next morning she awoke and her husband was not in bed. She looked in the garage and her car was gone, but there was a small package on the floor. She ran over, opened the package, and there it was - a bathroom scale!

Meaning of Dreams Humor

A young woman was taking an afternoon nap. After she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamt that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's Day. What do you think it means?"

"You shall know tonight," he said.

That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it. She found a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

Hearing Aid Humor

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

E-Mail Humor

An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Marketing Humor

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Politician Humor

A local priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish.

A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had also stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his best friend's wife, and taken illicit drugs. I was appalled.

"But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and said: "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."

Moral: Never, never, NEVER-EVER be late.

CEO Humor

The CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked one of his employees to write him a punchy, 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious.

"What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded to know. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "And I gave you the two extra copies you asked for."

CEO Humor

A large company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.

He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The new CEO then handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy."