A Police STOP at 2 AM

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Sunday School Humor

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
Actual writings from hospital charts

~ The patient refused autopsy.

~ The patient has no previous history of suicides.

~ Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ She is numb from her toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Outdoors Humor

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

Redneck Medical Dictionary

Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria......................... Back door to the cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her
Colic................................ A sheep dog
Coma.............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema........................... Not a friend
Fester............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................. A small lie
Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid............................ A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.............................. I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............... A letter carrier
Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet............................ A small table
Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out

13 Humor

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

Retirement Humor

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store management:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

April 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd let them get in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.

June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

August 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of our clerks passed out.

Diary Humor

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh