Retirement Humor

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store management:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

April 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd let them get in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.

June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

August 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of our clerks passed out.