Card Humor

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "What should I do?" he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card."

Christmas Shopping Humor

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

Four Stages of Life

1. You believe in Santa Claus.
2. You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3. You are Santa Claus.
4. You look like Santa Claus.

Seasons Greetings, Legally Revised

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all...and a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2000, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great (not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country or is the only "America" in the Western hemisphere), and without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith, or sexual orientation of the wishee.

This wish is limited to the customary and usual good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first. "Holiday" is not intended to, nor shall it be considered, limited to the usual Judeo-Christian celebrations or observances, or to such activities of any organized or ad hoc religious community, group, individual or belief (or lack thereof).

Note: By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher at any time, for any reason or for no reason at all. This greeting is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. This greeting implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for the wishee her/himself or others, or responsibility for the consequences which may arise from the implementation or non-implementation of same. This greeting is void where prohibited by law.

Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.

2. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say "We hate Christmas," and "Go away Santa."

3. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.

4. While he's in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn't have missed that last payment, and take off.

5. Leave Santa a note, explaining that you've moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.

6. Paint "hoof-prints" all over your face and clothes. While he's in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you've been "trampled." Threaten to sue for personal injury.

7. Leave him a note, explaining that you've gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.

8. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, "This neighborhood ain't big enough for the both of us."

Dieting Humor

A calorie-conscious woman drove past a bakery and saw some gorgeous Christmas cookies.

She decided to pray about it: "Lord, if you want me to have some of those delicious cookies, let me have a parking place directly in front of the bakery."

And sure enough, the eighth time around the block, there it was!

Sermon Humor

During a sermon one Sunday, the pastor saw two teenage girls
in the back giggling and disturbing people.

He interrupted his sermon and announced sternly, "There are
two of you here who have not heard a word I've said." That
quieted them down.

When the service was over, he went to greet people at the
front door. Three different adults apologized for going to
sleep in church, promising it would never happen again.

Church Humor

Steve was coming out of church after the Christmas service, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.

The preacher grabbed Steve by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Steve replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Steve whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.”