Photo Humor

Curious when she found two black-and-white negatives in a
drawer, Jane had them made into prints. She was pleasantly
surprised to see that they were a picture of her as a younger,
slimmer person, taken on one of her first dates with her
husband.

When showing him the photos, his face lit up. "Wow, look at
that!" he said with appreciation. "It's my old Plymouth!"

Psychology Humor

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed
over dinner, one asked, "What was your most difficult case?"

The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure
fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America
was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he
waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never
went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and
waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I
worked with this man eight years."

"What was the result?"

"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years,
but I finally cured him. And then that letter arrived!"

THINGS TO DO THANKSGIVING DAY IF YOU WANT TO BE EXCUSED EARLY

1. Announce that you would like to start a new family tradition, and proceed to take off your shirt (males only), shoes and socks at the dinner table.

2. Open the oven, shove hunks of velveeta into the turkey while it cooks. Tell mom it adds the coolest flavor.

3. Whenever someone at the table says a word beginning with the letter R, make a loud "BUZZ"ing noise.

4. Bring along old recorded football games, pop them in the VCR when Dad's not looking.

5. Suck your cranberry sauce loudly through a straw.

6. Hold your nose while you eat.

7. Recite the tragic and abusive conditions known to exist at turkey farms.

8. At mid-meal turn to mom and say, "See Mom, I told you they wouldn't notice, you were worried for nothing."

9. Load your plate up high, then take it to the kitchen, toss it all in the blender, and take your "shake" back to the table. Announce that you've got a new fear of choking.

10. When you arrive, promise that your date won't be more than an hour late, he/she just has to wait for the warden to get together all the necessary release forms, and then they are free to go.

Age Humor

A minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. "However," he said, "If you're over 65 the price will only be $5.50."
From the back of the congregation, a woman's voice spoke up...

"Do you really think I'd give you that information for only 50 cents?"

Rolls-Royce Humor

A wealthy man drove his Rolls-Royce to New York City during a two week business trip. Upon his arrival, he went straight to a large bank and asked for an immediate loan of $5,000.

"I can't just give you a loan of $5,000 without any type of collateral" the loan officer replies.

"Will a Rolls-Royce do?" he asks.

"I should think so," The loan officer replies, who promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and then gives him $5,000.

Two weeks later, he walked into the bank to settle up his loan and get his car back.

"That will be $5,000 principal, and $15.40 in interest," said the loan officer.

The man promptly writes a check, gives it to the loan officer, gathers his keys, and starts to walk away.

"Wait, sir!" the loan officer says. I've just got one question. Obviously you are wealthy. Why did you want to borrow $5,000?"

He smiled. "Well, when I got here I noticed the congested traffic and decided it was too much of a risk to drive my car around town because it might get scratched up. Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

Shopping Humor

A woman got mad at her husband and went shopping to relieve her irritation. When she returned home she informed him that she had purchased eight new dresses.

"Eight!" he hollered, "What could any woman want with eight new dresses??"

She calmly replied, "Eight new pairs of shoes."

Cat Humor

A woman visits a psychiatrist, complaining that she thinks she's a cat.

She says,"I meow, purr, and try to sharpen my claws on the furniture. You've got to help me!"

He asks her, "How long has this been going on?"

She replies, "Since I was a kitten."

Technology Humor

I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most
advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It
appears to affect those who were born prior to 1965.

Symptoms:

1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice. *done that!*

2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail! that too!

3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person. yep!

4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you. who me?

5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment. well darn!

6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished. oh no - not again!

7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND." and I just hate that!

8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."

Oh No!

IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

Creative Writing Humor

An amateur genealogical researcher discovered that his great-great uncle, Remus Starr, a fellow lacking in character, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:

"Remus Starr; horse thief; sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887; robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives. Convicted and hanged 1889."

In a Family History subsequently written by the researcher, Remus’s picture is cropped so that all that's seen is a head shot. The accompanying biographical sketch is as follows:

"Remus Starr was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1885, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

Communication Humor

A clergyman, walking down a country lane, sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "Why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't approve."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset.

Losing his patience just a little, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "you can tell him whatever you like just as soon as I get this hay off him."

Voting Humor

In Washington, D.C., the application form for federal employment includes this question: "Why did you leave your previous employment?"

One applicant, a former U.S. Congressman, responded: "The express wish of 116,000 voters."

Dental Humor

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill. "I'm shocked!" she complained. "This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you yelled so loud, you scared away two other patients."

Sermon Humor

The minister gave his Sunday morning service, as usual, but this particular Sunday, it was considerably longer than normal.

Later, at the door, shaking hands with parishioners as they moved out, one man said, "Your sermon, Pastor, was simply wonderful -so invigorating and inspiring and refreshing."

The minister of course, broke out in a big smile, only to hear the man add, "I felt like a new man when I woke up!"