Expectancy Humor

Three men sat hopefully and expectantly in the hospital waiting room. A nurse from the maternity wing entered the room. She said to the first man, “Congratulations! You’re the father of twins.” “That’s a wonderful coincidence,” he exclaimed. “I’m a member of the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”

Then the nurse addressed the second man: “Congratulations! You’re the father of triplets.” “Wow!” said the new father, “another wonderful coincidence. I work for the 3M Company.” The third man jumped to his feet. “I’m leaving,” he said. “I work for 7UP!”

Elevator Humor

A man from the back mountains found himself one day in a large city, and many things there were completely new to him. He stood outside an elevator and was fascinated with this amazing technological wonder.

He watched as an old, haggard woman hobbled on, and the doors closed. A few minutes later the doors opened and a young, attractive woman marched smartly off.

The father then hollered to his youngest son, "Billy, go get mother."

Tie Humor

A man goes into a bar to order a drink, but the bartender won't serve him, since he isn't wearing a tie.

The man then leaves, goes to the trunk of his car, pulls out his jumper cables, and wraps them around his neck like a tie.

When he returns to the bar, the bartender looks at him and says, "Okay, I can serve you, but don't start anything."

Marriage Humor

One night a wife found her husband standing over their newborn baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism. He would stand back, shake his head and say, "Amazing," while smiling from ear to ear.

Touched by his unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, her eyes glistened as she slipped her arms around him.

"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered in his ear.

"Isn't it amazing!" he replied. "When you take the time and really look close, how can anyone make a crib like that for only $39.99!"

The Difference a Little Punctuation Makes

Dear Steve:

I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy - will you let me be yours?

Gloria



Dear Steve:

I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?

Yours,

Gloria

Excuses To Use When Caught Sleeping At Work...

They told me at the blood bank that this might happen.

This is just a 15 minute power nap like they raved about in that time management course you sent me to.

I was working smarter - not harder.

Whew! I must have left the top off the whiteout.

I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!

I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress. Do you discriminate against people who practice Yoga?

Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won't wear off.

I wasn't sleeping. I was trying to pick up my contact lens without my hands.