Court Humor

A New York man was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!" he snapped at the judge.

His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and the sharp query, roared, "Twenty dollars for contempt of court. That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented. "That's all right. You don't have to pay now"

The young man replied, "I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Genie Humor

The sales rep, the administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke! The genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

Astonished, the sales rep cries out, "Me next! Me next! I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pineapples and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"Okay, you're up," the genie says to the manager.

The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

Blonde Humor

Three blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.

The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."

So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds, "Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

Lawyer Humor

An elderly and somewhat hard-of-hearing man was sitting in a stylish downtown attorney’s office as his lawyer handed him his will. "Your estate is very complex," said the lawyer, "but I’ve made sure that all of your wishes will be executed. Due to the complexity, my fee is $4500."

Just then, the phone rang and the lawyer got involved with a long call. Thinking the lawyer had said "$500," the old man wrote out his check and left.

When she got off the phone and realized the old man’s mistake, the lawyer ran after him down the stairs and into the parking lot just as he drove away. Feeling frustrated, the lawyer looked at the check and decided to accept the situation philosophically. "Oh well," she said to herself, "$500 for half an hour’s work isn’t bad."

Aggie Humor

An Aggie was on his cell phone, calling a locksmith.

"I locked my keys in my sports car!" said the nervous Aggie.

"No problem, I should be there in about an hour," replied the locksmith.

"Do you think you can make it a little sooner?" pleaded the man. "My top is down and it’s starting to rain."

Things Dogs Must Remember

The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm
lying under the coffee table.

I will not roll my toys behind the fridge.

I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE
entering the house.

I will not eat the cats' food, before or after they eat it.

I will not throw up in the car.

I will not lick my human's face after eating animal poop.

"Kitty box crunchies" are not food.

I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's
laps.

My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher
or trash can.

I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while
Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.

Dentist Humor

Patient: "How much to have this tooth filled?"

Dentist: "$90."

Patient: "$90 for just a few minutes work?"

Dentist: "I can work slower if you like."

Dog Humor

Patient: "I have this terrible problem, Doctor. I think I'm a dog. I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I eat dog food."

Psychiatrist: "Very interesting. Lie down on the couch, please."

Patient: "I'm not allowed on the couch."

Employee Humor

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you!"

Language Humor

A Latin American minister was touring the U.S. in an effort to boost financial support for missionaries and ministries in his home country.

At a church luncheon, he was telling the guests about this home country, his family, and the important work being supported there. As he concluded, he said, "And I have a charming and understanding wife but, alas, no children."

After a pause, he said, haltingly, "You see, my wife is unbearable."

Puzzled glances in the audience prompted him to try to clarify by saying: "What I mean is, my wife is inconceivable."

Observing the laughter in the audience, he realized his mistake, but floundered deeper into the intricacies of the English language by correcting triumphantly, "That is, my wife, she is impregnable!"

Marriage Humor

Married fifty years, the happy couple revealed their secrets for wedded bliss:

Him: "Never be selfish. There is no 'I' in the word 'marriage.'"

Her: "Never correct your husband's spelling."