Monday, October 26, 2009

Telephone Humor

A girl called directory assistance to get her boyfriend's new telephone number. She then dialed him -- and got a woman.

"Is Mike there?" she asked.

"He's in the shower," she responded.

"Please tell him his girlfriend called," she said and hung up.

When he didn't return the call, she dialed again. This time a man answered. "This is Mike," he said.

"You're not my boyfriend!" she exclaimed.

"I know," he replied. "That's what I've been trying to tell my wife for the past half-hour."

Friday, October 23, 2009

Dog Humor

A man walked by a table in a hotel and noticed three men and a dog playing cards.

The dog was exhibiting an extraordinary performance.

"This is a very smart dog," the man commented.

"He's not so smart," said one of the irked players.

"Every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Monday, October 19, 2009

Test Humor

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

1. H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

2. To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

3. When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.

4. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.

5. A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

6. Liter: A nest of young puppies.

7. Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

8. Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

9. Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

10. The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.

11. A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

12. To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

13. For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.

14. For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.

15. Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

16. The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

17. Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Phone Humor

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk.
MAN: "Hello."
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it okay if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$60,000."
MAN: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing, the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.
Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

Monday, October 12, 2009

Foreign Language Humor

A Swiss guy, visiting the U.S., pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.

"Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?" he asked.

The two Yanks just stared at him.

"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried. The two continued to stare.

"Parlare Italiano?"

Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.

"Hablan ustedes Espanol?"

Still nothing.

The Swiss guy gave up and drove off. The first Yank turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."

"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."

Friday, October 9, 2009

Fisherman Humor

An elderly fisherman wrote the following to a catalog company: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

Moth Humor

Late one night, a man walks into a dentist's office.

Man: "Excuse me, can you help me? I keep thinking I'm a moth!"

Dentist: "You don't need a dentist. You need a psychiatrist."

Man: "Yes, I know."

Dentist: "So why did you come in here?"

Man: "Well...the light was on..."

Lawyer Humor

At a convention of biological scientists, one prominent researcher remarked to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other researcher replied. "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for three reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do."

Lawyer Humor

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.

"Didn't you say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,"' asked the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."

"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question. Did you not say at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"

Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road..."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans."

Joe continued, "Shortly after the accident a highway patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me." He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Aggie Humor

Two Aggies are putting up a fence.
Aggie #1: "Hey, this nail is defective. The point is on the wrong end!"
Aggie #2: "It's not defective, you goof. It's for the other side of the fence!"

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Job Security Humor

After being laid off from three jobs in the past year, Dewey was hired to work in a warehouse.
Unfortunately, one day he lost control of the forklift and drove it off the loading dock. Surveying the damage, the owner shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, Dewey, but I'm going to have to withhold 10 percent of each of your paychecks until we back the damage."

"How much will it cost?" Dewey asked.

"About $5,000," the owner replied.

"Finally!" Dewey exclaimed. "Job security!"

Aggie Humor

Two hunters, who were Aggies, got lost in the woods. The first hunter said, "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."

So they shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they tried it again; still no response.

Finally the second hunter said, "I suppose we can try again, but it better work this time. We're down to our last three arrows."