Preaching Humor

After the visiting preacher finished, a woman came up and said, "You were much better than the preacher we had last Sunday. He spoke for an hour and said nothing."

"Thank you," the visiting preacher replied.

"Yes," she continued. "You did it in fifteen minutes."

Dangling Participle Humor

~ The burglar was about 30 years old, white, 5' 10", with wavy hair weighing about 150 pounds.

~ The family lawyer will read the will tomorrow at the residence of Mr. Hannon, who died June 19 to accommodate his relatives.

~ Mrs. Shirley Baxter, who went deer hunting with her husband, is very proud that she was able to shoot a fine buck as well as her husband.

~ Organ donations from the living reached a record high last year, outnumbering donors who are dead for the first time.

~ The dog was hungry and made the mistake of nipping a 2-year-old that was trying to force feed it in his ear.

~ We spent most of our time sitting on the back porch watching the cows playing Scrabble and reading.

~ Hunting can also be dangerous, as in the case of pygmies hunting elephants armed only with spears.

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Actual Questions Asked at Libraries

ACTUAL QUESTIONS ASKED AT LIBRARIES

~ "Do you have books here?"

~ "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?"

~ "Do you have a list of all the books I've ever read?"

~ "I'm looking for Robert James Waller's book, 'Waltzing through Grand Rapids.'" (Actual title wanted: "Slow Waltz in Cedar Bend.")

~ "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses")

~ "Where is the reference desk?" (This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying "REFERENCE DESK"!)

~ "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?"

~ "Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hair dryer?"

~ "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?"

~ "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?"

~ "I need a color photograph of Socrates."

~ "I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington's birth certificate."

~ "I need to find out Ibid's first name for my bibliography."

~ "Why don't you have any books by Ibid? He's written a lot of important stuff."

~ "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at first floor reference desk)

~ "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months."

Baby Names Humor

A husband has to go away on a business trip. Really bad timing - his wife is about to deliver a set of twins (boy & girl).

Sure enough, she goes into labor the minute his plane takes off. So his brother takes her to the hospital. She has a rough labor and it takes a long time to recover her communication skills.

But the hospital needs names for the babies before they can release them from the hospital. So it's up to the new uncle (who is known to be quite a prankster) to name them.

When the husband finally comes home, he is a bit worried about what his brother named his children. So he carefully asks his wife what are their names.

She replied, "Well, he named our daughter Denise."

"Hey, that's not so bad" he says and smiles.

"I know, but he named your son Denephew!"

Teen/Cat Humor

For all of you with teenagers or who had teenagers, you may want to know why they really have a lot in common with cats:

1. Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

2. No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

3. You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

4. Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

5. Cats have nine lives. Teenagers act as if they did.

Cab Humor

A man got into a cab and as they were driving down the street he thought of something to add to his directions so he reached up and tapped the driver on the shoulder.

The driver jumped two feet in the air, lost control of the cab, it careened through traffic and came to stop on the sidewalk two inches from a plate glass window.

The passenger said "Gee, I'm sorry. I had no idea that a simple tap on the shoulder would affect you that way."

The driver replied "No, it's totally my fault. This is my first week driving a cab. I was a hearse driver for the past 25 years."

Alligator Humor

A young woman was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the woman shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "Be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the woman turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, When he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge
12-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the woman flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

Language Humor

An American visiting in England asked at the hotel for the elevator. The portiere was a bit confused, but then smiled when he realized what the man wanted.

"You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Yes, of course," the portiere answered, "but over here we call them lifts."

"Now you listen," the American said, rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator!"

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."