A couple of weeks after hearing a sermon on Psalms 51:2-4 (knowing my own hidden secrets) and Psalm 52:3-4 (lies and deceit), a man who had recently become a Christian wrote the following letter to the IRS:
"I have been unable to sleep, knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income last year and have enclosed a check for $1,150. If I still can't sleep, I will send the rest."
Monday, April 13, 2009
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Twelve Amusing Excuses for Being Late to Work
Here are 12 of the most outrageous excuses employees have heard for being late to work:
1. My heat was shut off so I had to stay home to keep my snake warm.
2. My husband thinks it's funny to hide my car keys before he goes to work.
3. I walked into a spider web on the way out the door and couldn't find the spider, so I had to go inside and shower again.
4. I got locked in my trunk by my son.
5. My left turn signal was out so I had to make all right turns to get to work.
6. A gurney fell out of an ambulance and delayed traffic.
7. I was attacked by a raccoon and had to stop by the hospital to make sure it wasn't rabid.
8. I feel like I'm in everyone's way if I show up on time.
9. My father didn't wake me up.
10. A groundhog bit my bike tire and made it flat.
11. My driveway washed away in the rain last night.
12. I had to go to bingo.
(This list comes from a recent CareerBuilder article)
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
IRS Humor
Dear IRS,
Enclosed is my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Enclosed is my 2008 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes. Please note the attached article from USA Today, wherein you will see the Pentagon is paying $171.50 for hammers and NASA has paid $600.00 for a toilet seat.
I am enclosing four toilet seats (value $2400) and six hammers (value $1029), bringing my total remitted to $3429.00. Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the "Presidential Election Fund," as noted on my return. You can do this inexpensively by sending them one 1.5" Phillips Head screw (article from USA Today detailing how HUD pays $22.00 each for 1.5" Phillips Head Screws is enclosed for your convenience.)
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
Sincerely,
A Satisfied Taxpayer
Monday, April 6, 2009
Aging Humor
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the
wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that
is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a
new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."
The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"
The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the
name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that
is red and has thorns."
"Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes," the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the
name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Famous Dog Quotes
"Whoever said you can't buy happiness forgot about puppies."
Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Dereke Bruce
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck
Gene Hill
"In dog years, I'm dead."
Unknown
"Dogs feel very strongly that they should always go with you in the car, in case the need should arise for them to bark violently at nothing right in your ear."
Dave Barry
"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
"To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs."
Aldous Huxley
"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
Ann Landers
"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
Robert Benchley
"Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy
"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul: chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
Anne Tyler
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
Rita Rudner
"In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him."
Dereke Bruce
"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
Ben Williams
"Cat's motto: No matter what you've done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it."
Unknown
"Money will buy you a pretty good dog, but it won't buy the wag of his tail."
Unknown
"No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does."
Christopher Morley
"Man is a dog's idea of what God should be."
Holbrook Jackson
"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
Andrew A. Rooney
"If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man."
Mark Twain
"I've seen a look in dogs' eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts."
John Steinbeck
Friday, April 3, 2009
Worm Humor
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
- The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
- The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
- The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
- The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
- The first worm in alcohol - Dead.
- The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead.
- Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead.
- Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
Just then a little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, "I get it! As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Grandmother Humor
A grandmother was giving directions to her grown grandson who was coming to visit with his wife:
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You mean you're coming empty handed?"
"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?
"You mean you're coming empty handed?"
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