Newspaper Ads Humor

~ 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.

~ 3-year-old teacher need for preschool. Experience preferred.

~ Alzheimers center prepares for an affair to remember.

~ Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

~ Christmas tag-sale: Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

~ Dinner Special: Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

~ Dog for sale: Eats anything and is fond of children.

~ For Sale by owner: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica 45 Volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Wife knows everything.

~ For sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

~ Found: Dirty white dog. Looks like a rat. Been out awhile. Better be a reward!

~ Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.

~ German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free.

~ Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.

~ Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

~ Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

Grammar Humor

FOUR ALL WHO REED AND RIGHT

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
but the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.

One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
yet the plural of moose should never be meese.

You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.

If the plural of man is always called men,
why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?

If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
and I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?

If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?

Then one may be that,
And three would be those,
yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
and the plural of cat is cats, not cose.

We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
but though we say mother, we never say methren.

Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
but imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Umbrella Humor

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. But little Johnny, who always does things HIS way, colored the duck a bright fire.

After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Johnny, how many times have you seen a red duck?"

Young Johnny replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

Camping Hints

CAMPING HINTS

~ When using a public campground, a tuba placed on your picnic table will keep the campsites on either side vacant.

~ To get even with a bear who raided your food bag, kick his favorite stump apart and eat all the ants.

~ Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping: Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

~ A potato baked in the coals for one hour makes an excellent side dish. A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

~ Bear bells provide an element of safety for hikers in grizzly country. The tricky part is getting them on the bears.

~ The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

Driving Humor

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Speeding Humor

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over, he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

France Humor

A group of guys took a trip to France and decided to attend Mass in a small town, even though none of them understood French. They managed to stand, kneel and sit when the rest of the congregation did, so it wouldn't be obvious they were tourists. At one point, the priest spoke and the man sitting next to them stood up, so they got up, too. The entire congregation broke into hearty laughter.

After the service they approached the priest, who spoke English, and asked him what had been so funny. The priest said he had announced a birth in the parish and asked the father to stand up.