Golf Humor

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." ‘

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Disaster Humor

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 50 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Prayer Humor

Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Traffic Camera Humor

My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

Will Humor

A teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his
butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The classroom fell silent for a moment, and then an earnest young voice piped up: "A lawyer!"

Guillotine Humor

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be
guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing
happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's
let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set
free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up
at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

Grandparents Humor

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

"Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 2 to 9 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

If you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking - we are listening!"