Bubba's sister is pregnant and is in a bad car accident, which caused her to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awakens and sees that she is no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, " Ma'am, you had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them."
The woman thinks to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba. He's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"
"Denise," the doctor answers.
The new mother thinks, "Wow! That's a beautiful name. Maybe I was wrong about my brother. I really like the name Denise.
"What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replies, "Denephew."
Monday, May 31, 2010
Parenting Humor
A tired mom opened the front door of her home to find a young minister from the neighborhood who said, "I'm collecting donations for the new children's home we're building. I hope you'll give what you can."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."
"To be sure," said the beleaguered woman, "I'll give you two boys, two girls, OR one of each."
Reasons Why It's Great to be a Dog
1. No one notices if you have hair growing in weird places as you get older.
2. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
3. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
4. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
5. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
6. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
7. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
8. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
2. Personal hygiene is a blast: No one expects you to take a bath every day, and you don't even have to comb your own hair.
3. Having a wet nose is considered a sign of good health.
4. Who needs a big home entertainment system? A bone or an old shoe can entertain you for hours.
5. You can spend hours just smelling stuff.
6. No one ever expects you to pay for lunch or dinner. You never have to worry about table manners, and if you gain weight, it's someone else's fault.
7. It doesn't take much to make you happy. You're always excited to see the same old people. All they have to do is leave the room for five minutes and come back.
8. Every garbage can looks like a cold buffet to you.
Friday, May 28, 2010
"Eight" Humor
A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to
be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
be eight again." she replied.
On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was. Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite lolly and M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Chocolate Chip Cookies Humor
An elderly man was very ill, and lay in his bed fully expecting to die at any time. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.
The smell was so overwhelming that he somehow managed to gather his remaining strength to lift himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, agony, and pain from the excursion, he leaned against the kitchen door frame for rest and gazed into the room. Were it not for his physical pain he would have thought himself already in heaven because there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted as he began to imagine the taste of the wondrous cookies already in his mouth. The thought actually invigorated him, seemingly bringing him back to life. His old and aged hand slowly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she snapped. "They're for the funeral."
The smell was so overwhelming that he somehow managed to gather his remaining strength to lift himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.
With labored breath, agony, and pain from the excursion, he leaned against the kitchen door frame for rest and gazed into the room. Were it not for his physical pain he would have thought himself already in heaven because there, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table, were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.
His parched lips parted as he began to imagine the taste of the wondrous cookies already in his mouth. The thought actually invigorated him, seemingly bringing him back to life. His old and aged hand slowly made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.
"Stay out of those," she snapped. "They're for the funeral."
Friday, May 21, 2010
In Memoriam Humor
In Memoriam
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is
worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost
went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey
Pokey", died peacefully at age 83. The most traumatic part for his family was
getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
Monday, May 17, 2010
Wedding Humor
During his wedding rehearsal, the groom approached his pastor with an unusual offer. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows, and leave out the 'love, honor, obey, and forsake all others' part." He pressed a $100 bill in the pastor's hand and walked away with a satisfied smile.
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"
The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,
"She made me a much better offer."
On the day of the wedding, the groom was feeling pretty pleased when the pastor got to the part where the vows are exchanged. The pastor looked him in the eye and asked, "Will you promise to bow before her, obey whatever command she gives, fulfill her every wish, serve her breakfast each morning, and swear before God that you'll not look at another woman as long as you both shall life?"
The groom gulped and looked astonished, but he finally said "Yes" in a tiny voice. He then leaned in toward the pastor and whispered, "I thought we had a deal!"
The pastor pressed the $100 bill back into his hand and whispered in return,
"She made me a much better offer."
Friday, May 14, 2010
Wedding Cake Humor
A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with "1 John 4:18" which reads: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake "John 4:18": "For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband."
Monday, May 10, 2010
Technology Humor
During a recent password audit at a large company, it was found that a blonde receptionist was using the following: "MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
Things My Mother Taught Me
My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
My mother taught me REASON
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen
THEN?"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY!
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside - I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle
of next week!"
My mother taught me REASON
"Because I said so, that's why."
My Mother taught me LOGIC
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident"
My mother taught me IRONY
"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM
"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA
"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen
THEN?"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION
"Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY!
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION
"Just wait until we get home."
My Mother taught me about RECEIVING
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."
My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."
My Mother taught me ESP
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"
My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
My Mother taught me about GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
My Mother taught me about my ROOTS
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"
My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."
My Mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!
Friday, May 7, 2010
Blonde Humor
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, "Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HellOOOooo," answered the blonde. "They're watch dogs."
Monday, May 3, 2010
Parrot Humor
A burglar has just made it into the house he's intending to ransack, and he's looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room.
Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but 'Jesus' is the rottweiler!"
Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business. "I can see you, and so can Jesus!" The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room.
Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, "I can see you, and so can Jesus!"
"So what," says the burglar, you're only a parrot!"
To which the parrot replies, "Maybe, but 'Jesus' is the rottweiler!"
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