Did I Read That Sign Right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW
In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT
In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS
In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN
In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD
Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?
Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS
Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR
Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.
Monday, July 25, 2011
Friday, July 22, 2011
Obedience Humor
A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"
"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"
Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"
Monday, July 18, 2011
Dalmatian Humor
A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
was a Dalmatian dog.
The children started discussing the dog's duties.
"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.
"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."
A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."
Friday, July 15, 2011
Gift Shop Humor
A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.
Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.
The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.
The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."
Friday, July 8, 2011
Golf Quotes
The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
-- Pete Dye
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
-- Paul Harvey
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
-- Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
-- Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
-- Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
-- Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark Twain
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
-- Woodrow Wilson
They call it "golf" because all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Raymond Floyd
-- Pete Dye
It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron
Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
-- Paul Harvey
Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
-- Al Boliska
The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
-- Billy Graham
Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
-- Ben Hogan
Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
-- Chuck Hogan
If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon
It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark Twain
Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
-- Woodrow Wilson
They call it "golf" because all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Raymond Floyd
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
How Dogs are Better than Men
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Dogs miss you when you're gone.
You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).
Dogs think you are a culinary genius.
You can house train a dog.
Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Dogs are nice to your relatives.
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Exercise Humor
HEALTH MESSAGE
1. If walking/cycling were that good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.
AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?
1. If walking/cycling were that good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.
3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.
AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?
Friday, July 1, 2011
Coin Humor
The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother
ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his
shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed
the coin out.
"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.
"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."
ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his
shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed
the coin out.
"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.
"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."
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