Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Car Humor

A teenager was always asking his father if he could borrow the family car. Pushed to the limit, the father asked his son why he thought God had given him two feet. Without hesitation, the son replied, "That's easy, one for the clutch and one for the accelerator."

Tax Humor

A man, submitting information to his income tax preparer, was asked how many dependents he had. "Eight," he replied. The preparer asked, "Would you mind repeating that?" The man replied, "Not if I can help it."

Father Humor

A father of five children came home with a new toy. He summoned his children and asked which of them should be given the present: "Who is the most obedient one here? Who never talks back to Mom and does everything that Mom says to do?" There were a few seconds of silence, and then all of the children said in one accord: "So you get it, Daddy??!"

Driving Humor

A teenager who had just received her learner's permit offered to drive her parents to church. After a hair-raising ride, they finally reached their destination.

When the mother got out of the car she said emphatically, "Thank you!"

"Anytime," her daughter replied with a smile.

As her mother headed for the church door, she said, "I wasn't talking to you. I was talking to God."

Grandma Humor

Little boy: "Oh, Grandma, I sure am happy to see you! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

Grandmother: "What trick is that?"

Little boy: "He told Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

Lesson Humor

"Daddy, where did I come from?", seven-year-old Rachel asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" the mom asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

Obedience Humor

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

Disaster Humor

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 50 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"