Proofreading Humor

~ IMPORTANT NOTICE: If you are one of hundreds of parachuting enthusiasts who bought our Easy Sky Diving book, please make the following correction: on page 8, line 7, the words "state zip code" should have read "pull rip cord."

~ It was incorrectly reported last Friday that today is T-shirt Appreciation Day. In fact, it is actually Teacher Appreciation Day.

~ There was a mistake in an item sent in two weeks ago which stated that Ed Burnham entertained a party at crap shooting. It should have been trap shooting.

~ There are two important corrections to the information in the update on our Deep Relaxation professional development program. First, the program will include meditation, not medication. Second, it is experiential, not experimental.

~ Our newspaper carried the notice last week that Mr. Oscar Hoffnagle is a defective on the police force. This was a typographical error. Mr. Hoffnagle is, of course, a detective on the police farce.

~ Apology: I originally wrote, "Woodrow Wilson's wife grazed sheep on front lawn of the White House." I'm sorry that typesetting inadvertently left out the word "sheep."

~ In one edition of today's Food Section, an inaccurate number of jalapeno peppers was given for Jeanette Crowley's Southwestern chicken salad recipe. The recipe should call for two, not 21, jalapeno peppers.

~ The marriage of Miss Freda vanAmburg and Willie Branton, which was announced in this paper a few weeks ago, was a mistake which we wish to correct.

Raise Humor

"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other
companies after me."

"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"

"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."

Billy Graham Humor

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement.

When his plane arrived there was a white limousine waiting there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

‘You know’ he said, ‘I am 90 years old and I have never driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?’

The driver said, ‘No problem. Have at it.’

Billy got into the driver’s seat and they headed off down the highway.

A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long, white limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo. He then got out of his patrol car to begin the normal questioning procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door, and when the glass rolled down he was surprised to see who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his patrol car and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor, ‘I know we are supposed to enforce the law, but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies.

I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.’

The supervisor asked, ‘Is it the governor?’

The young trooper said, ‘No, He’s more important than that.’

The supervisor said, ‘Oh, so it’s the president?’

The young trooper said, ‘No, He’s even more important than that.’

The supervisor finally asked, ‘Well then, who is it?’

The young trooper said, ‘I think it’s Jesus because He’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!’

Wedding Humor

Jacob, age 85, and Rebecca, age 79, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests that they go in. He addresses the man behind the counter:

"Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety."

Jacob: "What about vitamins and sleeping pills?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "Perfect! We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts."

Cold Water Humor

A young man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned Grandpa, "Are these plates clean?"

Grandpa replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yokes. So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather huffed, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now stop being so picky!"

Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby restaurant. As he was leaving, Grandpa's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass. He yelled back, "Grandpa, your dog won't let me out!"

So Grandpa shouted, "COLD WATER, GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

Washing a Cat - Quick & Easy

WASHING A CAT - QUICK & EASY!

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

A DOG OWNER

Genie Humor

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an
old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and
out pops a genie.

The genie says, "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle.
In return I will grant you three wishes."

The man says, "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know
exactly what I want. First, I want one billion dollars in a
Swiss bank account."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with
account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right
here."

POOF! There is a flash of light and a bright red Ferrari
appears.

He continues, "Finally, I want to be irrestible to women."

POOF! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box
of chocolates.