"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
~ David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes
"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
~ Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank scandal
"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
~ Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands
"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
~ John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job
"I didn't accept it. I received it."
~ Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan
"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
~ Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US
"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
~ President Richard Nixon
"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
~ Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
"I support efforts to limit the terms of members of Congress, especially members of the House and members of the Senate."
~ Vice-President Dan Quayle
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
~ Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
~ Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane
"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued. Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
~ Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid
"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
~ Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
~ Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries
"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
~ Knight-Ridder News Service dispatch
"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
~ Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island
Friday, February 27, 2009
"Try a Little Kindness" Humor
Dear Friends,
It is important for men to remember that as women grow
older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as they did when they were
younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took
"early retirement" in April, it became necessary for
Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we need. It was
shortly after she started working that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper.
I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she finally does get supper on
the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after supper. I do what
I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the
basement. Sometimes she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I
am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless
I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge
meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or
to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like
that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening
to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time
to do some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this
allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more
leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try
to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you
know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest
breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. I tell her that as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me and take
her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until
I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that
the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how
frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
BOB'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.
NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.
It is important for men to remember that as women grow
older it becomes harder for them to maintain the same
quality of housekeeping as they did when they were
younger. When men notice this, they should try not to
yell. Let me relate how I handle the situation.
When I got laid off from my consulting job and took
"early retirement" in April, it became necessary for
Nancy to get a full-time job, both for extra income
and for the health benefits that we need. It was
shortly after she started working that I noticed that
she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the
same time she gets home from work. Although she knows
how hungry I am, she almost always says that she has
to rest for half an hour or so before she starts
supper.
I try not to yell, instead I tell her to take her time
and just wake me when she finally does get supper on
the table. She used to do the dishes as soon as we
finished eating. It is now not unusual for them to sit
on the table for several hours after supper. I do what
I can by reminding her several times each evening that
they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them
done before she goes bed.
Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Our washer and dryer are in the
basement. Sometimes she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As
long as she finishes up the laundry the next evening I
am willing to overlook it. Not only that, but unless
I need something ironed to wear to the Monday lodge
meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker club or
to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like
that, I will tell her to wait until the next evening
to do the ironing. This gives her a little more time
to do some of those odds and ends things like
shampooing the dog, vacuuming or dusting.
Also, if I have a really good day of fishing, this
allows her to gut and scale the fish at a more
leisurely pace.
Nancy is starting to complain a little occasionally.
For example, she will say that it is difficult for her
to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch
hour. In spite of her complaining, I continue to try
to offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
over two or even three days. That way she won't have
to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any, if you
know what I mean.
When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs
more rest periods. She had to take a break when she
was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to
embarrass her when she needs these little extra rest
breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a
while. I tell her that as long as she is making one
for herself, she may as well make one for me and take
her break by the hammock so she can talk with me until
I fall asleep.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I
support Nancy on a daily basis. I'm not saying that
the ability to show this much consideration is easy.
Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it
impossible. No one knows better than I do how
frustrating women can become as they get older.
However, guys, even if you just yell at your wife a
little less often because of this article, I will
consider that writing it was worthwhile.
Signed, Bob
BOB'S FUNERAL was on Saturday, January 25th.
NANCY was ACQUITTED Monday, January 27 th.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Long Hair Humor
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked
his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use
of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They
again went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had
long hair...." To which hisfather replied, "Yes, and they walked
every where they went!"
his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss the use
of the car. His father took him to his study and said to him,
"I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study
your Bible a little and get your hair cut and we'll talk
about it."
After about a month the boy came back and again
asked his father if they could discuss use of the car. They
again went to the father's study where his father said,
"Son, I've been real proud of you. You have brought your
grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you
didn't get your hair cut!"
The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad,
I've been thinking about that. You know, Samson had long hair,
Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair,and even Jesus had
long hair...." To which hisfather replied, "Yes, and they walked
every where they went!"
Monday, February 23, 2009
Test Humor
Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. They decided to
party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up
telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before
due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure
that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go
to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just
shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points,
tell me WHICH tire it was!"
party instead. Their biggest exam was on Wednesday and they showed up
telling the professor that their car had broken down the night before
due to a very flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.
The professor told them that they could have another day to study.
That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure
that they knew just about everything.
Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go
to two separate classrooms to take the exam. Each boy just
shrugged and went to two different parts of the building.
As each sat down, they read the directions:
"For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom. For 95 points,
tell me WHICH tire it was!"
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Three Sons Humor
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were ableto give their elderly mother.
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
The first said, "I built a big house for our mother."
The second said, "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."
The third smiled and said, "I've got you, both beat. You remember how Mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took 20 monks 12 years to teach him. He's one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it."
Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote one son, "the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house."
"Gerald," she wrote to another, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"
"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious."
Friday, February 20, 2009
Bank Robbery Humor
During a bank robbery the police chief told the sergeant to cover all exits so the robbers could not get away.
Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."
"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."
Later the sergeant reports to the chief, "Sorry sir, but they got away."
The chief, very disappointed, says, "I told you to cover all exits."
"I did," replied the sergeant, "But they got away through the entrance."
Life Insurance Humor
Jill was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of her insurance policy with her agent.
During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."
During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take out life insurance on my husband today and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The agent eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably 20 to life."
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