Contractor Humor

Three contractors are bidding to fix the fence at a local company. All three are examining the fence with the company's CFO. The first contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says. "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me." The New Jersey contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the CFO and whispers: "$2,700." The CFO, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" "Easy, $1,000 for you, $1,000 for me and we hire the second contractor."

Lipstick Humor

A certain private school was faced with a unique problem: A number of junior high girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the janitor would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the janitor. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the janitor who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, the principal asked the janitor to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet water, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirrors.

Doctor Humor

On the way to preschool, a doctor mom had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it. Be still, my heart, thought Mom, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

House Humor

"This house," said the real estate salesman, "has both its good points and its bad points. To show you I'm honest, I'm going to tell you about both. The disadvantages are that there is a chemical plant one block south and a slaughterhouse a block north." "What are the advantages?" inquired the prospective buyer. "The advantage is that you can always tell which way the wind is blowing."

Things You'll Never Hear a Dad Say

THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A DAD SAY Well, how 'bout that? I'm lost! Looks like we'll have to stop and ask for directions. I noticed that all your friends have a certain hostile attitude. I like that. Here's a credit card and the keys to my new car. GO CRAZY!! What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating's not good enough for you, son? Your mother and I are going away for the weekend. You might want to consider throwing a party. Well, I don't know what's wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies--ya know--that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring. Now quit your belly-aching, and let's go to the mall. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

Moon Humor

A middle school student was studying astronomy and enjoying it greatly. One morning at breakfast she mentioned, "On Friday we're having a quiz on the moon." Her little brother piped up: "Are you gonna let her go, Mom??"

Trash Can Humor

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the summer near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful afterschool enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action. The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look" he said, "I haven't received my Social Security (pension) check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A lousy quarter?!" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.