Clean Humor Place

Valentine's Day Humor

2012-02-14T12:55:00.002-06:00

Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it.

As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"

"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."

Parenthood Humor

2012-02-13T09:02:00.002-06:00

ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?

A brief battery of tests for prospective parents

MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.

NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum while holding the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 1:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Look cheerful.

PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.

Drawing Humor

2012-02-10T08:34:00.003-06:00

A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.

The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."

Hair Humor

2012-02-03T09:30:00.000-06:00

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Room Humor

2012-01-30T08:17:00.001-06:00

An irritated father complained to his golf buddy, "When I was a kid, my parents sent me to my room without supper if I misbehaved. But my son has his own TV, telephone, computer, and every computer game and CD player in his room!"

"So how do you handle it?" his friend asked.

"I send him to MY room!"

Foreman Humor

2012-01-27T09:43:00.002-06:00

Two neighbors were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the
foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around
and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started
thinking I was the foreman."

Court Humor

2012-01-23T08:23:00.000-06:00

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Sign Humor

2012-01-16T11:54:00.002-06:00

A guy tells his psychiatrist, "I always have this weird dream at night. I'm locked in a room with a door on which there is a sign. I try to push it with all my strength, but no matter how hard I try, it won't budge."

The psychiatrist muses, "Interesting...But tell me what does the sign on the door say?"

The guy replies, "It says 'Pull.'"

Grade School Humor

2012-01-13T14:03:00.002-06:00

TEACHER: Tommy, why do you always get so dirty?
TOMMY: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
______________

TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I."
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen...Always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right..."I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
_____________

TEACHER: "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
JOHNNY: "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."
_____________

TEACHER: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?"
JOHNNY: "Because George still had the ax in his hand."
______________

TEACHER: Now, Sam, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SAM: No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
_______________

TEACHER: Desmond, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
DESMOND: No, teacher, it's the same dog!
______________

TEACHER: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
PUPIL: A teacher.
______________

SILVIA: Dad, can you write in the dark?
FATHER: I think so. What do you want me to write?
SYLVIA: Your name on this report card.

Old and Driving 100 in a Corvette

2012-01-06T09:42:00.000-06:00

In Florida, a senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. It was his Christmas present to himself. Heading down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-75, and pushed the pedal down even more.

Suddenly, he heard a siren blaring. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida state trooper's car, blue lights flashing. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Then he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked first at the driver, then at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard--I'll let you go."

The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, around this time, my wife ran off with a Florida state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

New Year's Resolutions Humor

2012-01-02T15:23:00.000-06:00

"I hereby resolve to:"
• Watch more television -it IS the "window into the world", right?

• Wear something other than sweat pants to the grocery store

• Stop repeating myself again, and again, and again.

• Stop procrastinating ... (I think I just might start next month).

• Enjoy the sweeter side of life - M&Ms, Hershey kisses, candy corns, and cheesecake and ...

• Read something this year ... other than the comics.

• Drive myself to the fitness center when I feel like going from now on ... because walking there makes me perspire.

• Stop leaving my dirty gym socks lying in the middle of the floor. I'll leave them on the kitchen table, where they're easier to reach.

• Kick the caffeine habit - hey, why does my over-sized coffee mug smell like sweaty socks?

• Read those books I bought 5 years ago on "how to improve my memory" ... I keep forgetting to read them.

• Be more decisive ... I'll absolutely try to attempt to think about resolving to be more decisive, if I possibly can.

• Quit making those SAME excuses ... I make the same excuses each year, why I'll do better next year, and it's getting pretty old - this year I resolve to come up with some new excuses instead.

(From http://www.businesstune-ups.com/Funny-New-Years-Resolutions.html)

Santa Humor

2011-12-23T08:30:00.002-06:00

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?"

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped: "Didn't you get my email??!!"

Mall Humor

2011-12-19T08:29:00.000-06:00

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon, suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had disappeared.

The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where did you go???"

The husband calmly replied, "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"

Wife, with a smile blushing, said, "Yes, I remember that, my love."

"Well, I'm at the Home Depot next to that shop."

STC Humor

2011-12-09T08:14:00.002-06:00

STC (Senior Texting Codes)

Since more and more seniors citizens are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code). If you qualify for senior discounts, these are the codes for you:

ATD: At The Doctor's
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing...Can't Get Up
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

Grandma Humor

2011-12-05T10:04:00.001-06:00

Little boy: "Oh, Grandma, I sure am happy to see you! Now maybe Daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

Grandmother: "What trick is that?"

Little boy: "He told Mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again!"

Kitten Humor

2011-12-02T18:17:00.000-06:00

A pastor had a kitten that climbed up a tree in his backyard and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.

The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, "Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping," and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, "Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?"

She replied, "You won't believe this," and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, "Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it." She told the pastor, "I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her."

Pig Humor

2011-11-11T15:23:00.001-06:00

The priest said to the poor farmer, "If you had a horse, would you give it to the Lord?"

"Yes."

"And if you had a cow?"

"Absolutely."

"And a goat?"

"Sure."

"A pig?"

"Now, that's not fair!" protested the farmer. "You know I have a pig!"

Hunting Humor

2011-11-07T07:22:00.000-06:00

A lawyer, doctor, and preacher went hunting together. When a prize buck ran past them they all fired at the exact same moment and the buck dropped.

However, there was only one bullet hole and they didn't know which of them shot it. So they took it to the registration center, not knowing who should tag it.

The doctor said, "Let me look at the deer. Sometimes I can figure it out."

He asked a few questions, examined the deer carefully, and declared, "The preacher shot this buck!"

Amazed, they all asked how he knew. Stooping down he pointed out the wound, "See here. It went in one ear and out the other."

Good News, Bad News Humor

2011-11-04T09:46:00.002-05:00

A large, two-engined train was making its way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. "No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere.

The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn't take this trip in a plane!"

Pilot Humor

2011-10-31T11:00:00.002-05:00

RULES OF THE AIR FOR PILOTS

~ Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory.

~ If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again.

~ It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here.

~ When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.

~ A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again.

~ Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier.

~ Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds.

~ There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are.

~ You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of

~ Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.

~ Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.

~ Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal.

~ The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you and a tenth of a second ago.

~ There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots.

Blonde Humor

2011-10-28T10:01:00.000-05:00

A Blonde and her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dogs, which have been barking incessantly for hours and hours.

Totally fed up, the Blonde jumps up out of bed and says, "I've had just about enough of this," and she heads downstairs.

When she finally returns the dogs are barking even louder than before. Her husband asks, "What were you doing down there?"

She replied, "I went out back and brought BOTH of THOSE dogs into OUR backyard. Let's just see how THEY like it!"

Golf Humor

2011-10-24T09:33:00.002-05:00

The hacker hit the ball into the rough and landed on an anthill.

He tried three times to hit the ball and each time he missed the ball and hit the anthill. Ants went flying all over the place.

One ant turned to the other ant and said, "If we are going to survive, we had better get on the ball."

Baseball Quotes

2011-10-17T09:36:00.003-05:00

"I never blame myself when I'm not hitting. I just blame the bat and if it keeps up I change bats. . . After all, if I know it isn't my fault that I'm not hitting, how can I get mad at myself?" Yogi Berra

"Why does everybody stand up and sing 'Take Me Out to the Ballgame' when they're already there?" Larry Anderson

"Baseball, it is said, is only a game. True. And the Grand Canyon is only a hole in Arizona." George F. Will, Men at Work: The Craft of Baseball, 1990

"A critic once characterized baseball as six minutes of action crammed into two-and-one-half hours." Ray Fitzgerald, in Boston Glove, 1970

"The best way to catch a knuckleball is to wait until the ball stops rolling and then pick it up." Bob Uecker

"I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium." ~Author Unknown

"Love is the most important thing in the world, but baseball is pretty good too." Greg, age 8

Lawyer Humor

2011-10-14T09:47:00.002-05:00

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$250 for three questions," replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what is your third question?"

More Resume Humor

2011-10-11T20:27:00.000-05:00

"Note: Please don't look at my last 14 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never
quit a job."

"Number of dependents: 40." "Marital Status: Often." "Children: Various."

"Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB: "Responsibility makes me nervous." "They
insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't
work under those conditions."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES: "While I am open to the initial nature of an
assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least
partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be
configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied
facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."

"I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

"My goal is to be a meteorologist. Since I have no training in
meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

"I procrastinate -- especially when the task is unpleasant."

"I look forward to hearing back from you shorty."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: "Allergic to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

Resume Humor

2011-10-11T20:15:00.000-05:00

RESUMANIA

"Resumania" is a term to describe the unintentional bloopers that often
appear on job candidates' resumes, job applications and cover letters. Here
are some examples:

"I perform my job with effortless efficiency, effectiveness, efficacy, and
expertise."
(And an eye on the "e" section of the dictionary, evidently)

"Seek challenges that test my mind and body, since the two are usually
inseparable."
(Glad to hear it)

"I am very detail-oreinted."
(With the possible exception of spelling)

"I can play well with others."
(We'll be sure to tell your mommy)

"Married, eight children. Prefer frequent travel."
(A new twist on work-family balance)

"Objection: To utilize my skills in sales."
(Have you considered law school?)

"My salary requirement is $34 per year."
(They say money isn't everything)

"Served as assistant sore manager."
(Ouch)

"I vow to fulfill the goals of the company as long as I live."
(And they say loyalty is hard to come by)

"Reason for leaving last job: Pushed aside so the vice president's
girlfriend could steal my job."
(We're glad you're not bitter)

Southern Humor

2011-10-03T13:33:00.002-05:00

A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of
the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana .."

When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana 'cause everythang
happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the world."

Southern Humor

2011-10-03T13:33:00.000-05:00

A young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his
buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking
lot!"

Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"

The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."

A Police STOP at 2 AM

2011-09-30T12:31:00.000-05:00

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Sunday School Humor

2011-09-26T09:03:00.001-05:00

In Sunday School one morning Little Joey raised his hand and proceeded to ask a question that had perplexed him for some time.

"Mr. Goldblatt," said little Joey, "there's something I can't figure out. According to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?"

"Right."

"And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?"

"Er, right."

"And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?"

"Again you're right."

"And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?"

"All that is right, too," agreed Mr. Goldblatt. "So what's your question, Joey?"

"What were all the grown-ups doing?"

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

2011-09-23T10:16:00.000-05:00

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS
Actual writings from hospital charts

~ The patient refused autopsy.

~ The patient has no previous history of suicides.

~ Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

~ Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

~ On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.

~ The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

~ Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

~ She is numb from her toes down.

~ The skin was moist and dry.

~ Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

~ Patient was alert and unresponsive.

~ I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

~ Skin: somewhat pale but present.

~ Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Outdoors Humor

2011-09-19T13:07:00.000-05:00

When the doctor asked Chuck about what he did yesterday, he told him about his day: "Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped from a mountain lion in the heavy brush, marched up and down a mountain, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake."

Inspired by his story, the doctor exclaimed, "Chuck, you must be an awesome outdoorsman!"

"No," Chuck replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."

Redneck Medical Dictionary

2011-09-12T09:44:00.000-05:00

Artery.............................. The study of paintings
Bacteria......................... Back door to the cafeteria
Barium............................ What doctors do when patients die
Benign........................... What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section......... A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan........................ Searching for Kitty
Cauterize........................ Made eye contact with her
Colic................................ A sheep dog
Coma.............................. A punctuation mark
Dilate.............................. To live long
Enema........................... Not a friend
Fester............................. Quicker than someone else
Fibula............................. A small lie
Impotent........................ Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff................. A Doctor's cane
Morbid............................ A higher offer
Nitrates......................... Cheaper than day rates
Node.............................. I knew it
Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted
Pelvis............................ Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative............... A letter carrier
Recovery Room............. Place to do upholstery
Secretion...................... Hiding something
Seizure.......................... Roman emperor
Tablet............................ A small table
Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport
Tumor........................... One plus one more
Urine............................. Opposite of you're out

13 Humor

2011-09-09T10:34:00.001-05:00

"Doctor, I'd like you to evaluate my 13 year-old son."

"OK: He's suffering from a transient psychosis with an intermittent rage disorder, punctuated by episodic radical mood swings, but his prognosis is good for full recovery."

"How can you say all that without even meeting him?"

"I thought you said he's 13?"

Retirement Humor

2011-09-06T11:35:00.002-05:00

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target store management:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

February 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

March 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

April 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

April 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd let them get in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department, to which twenty children obliged.

May 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?" Paramedics were called.

June 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

July 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

July 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"

And last, but not least:

August 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here." One of our clerks passed out.

Diary Humor

2011-09-02T09:33:00.002-05:00

WIFE'S DIARY:

Tonight I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong. He said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving.

I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't reply, "I love you, too." When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

HUSBAND'S DIARY:

A four putt! Who FOUR putts? Arrrgghh

Farm Humor

2011-08-29T12:04:00.002-05:00

A dying granny tells her granddaughter, "I want to leave you my farm. That includes the villa, the tractor, and other equipment, the farmhouse and $22,398,750.78 in cash."

The granddaughter, absolutely floored and about to become rich says, "Oh granny, you are SO generous! I didn't even know you had a farm. Where is it?"

With her last breath, Granny whispered, "Facebook..."

Lesson Humor

2011-08-22T07:21:00.000-05:00

"Daddy, where did I come from?", seven-year-old Rachel asked.

It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly.

"Does that answer your question?" the mom asked.

"Not really," the little girl said. "Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from."

Train Humor

2011-08-19T09:13:00.000-05:00

A young Marine and his commanding officer board a train headed to a recruiting mission. They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young Marine are interested in each other because they are giving each other "looks." Soon the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is a sound of the smack of a kiss followed by the sound of the smack of a slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, the four sit there without saying a word.

The grandmother is thinking to herself: "It was very brash for that young Marine to kiss my granddaughter, but I'm glad she slapped him."

The commanding officer is sitting there thinking: "I didn't think the young Marine was brave enough to kiss the girl, but I sure wish she hadn't missed him when she slapped and hit me!"

The young woman was sitting and thinking: "I'm glad the Marine kissed me, but I wish my grandmother had not slapped him!"

The young Marine sat there with a satisfied smile on his face. He thought to himself: "Life is good. When does a guy have the chance to kiss a beautiful girl and slap his commanding officer all at the same time?!"

Why Women Like Cats

2011-08-15T13:28:00.001-05:00

- Cats don't criticize your mother.

- Cats never question how much you're eating.

- Cats understand the importance of beauty sleep.

- Cats are happy to let you drive.

- Cats always look good first thing in the morning.

- Cats don't complain when you get a short haircut.

Heat Humor

2011-08-12T13:00:00.001-05:00

It's so hot that ...

the birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
the potatoes cook underground, and all you have to do to have lunch is to pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.
the cows are giving evaporated milk.
the trees are whistling for the dogs.
you can make instant sun tea.
you discover that in July, it takes only 2 fingers to drive your car.
you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

Cow Humor

2011-08-08T09:07:00.002-05:00

A religious farmer lost his Bible out in the field.

A few days later he went to answer a noise at his door. Standing there was a
cow, with his Bible in its mouth!

The farmer raised his eyes to heaven and thanked the Lord for this miracle.

"Not really," said the cow. "Your name was written inside."

A Lawyer and a Blonde Humor

2011-08-05T08:31:00.002-05:00

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York City. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The tired blonde just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vise versa." Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question.

"What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer.

"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."

She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He hops on the Internet and searches Google and the Library of Congress. No answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.

The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,and goes back to sleep.

Sign Humor

2011-07-25T11:50:00.004-05:00

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Obedience Humor

2011-07-22T09:20:00.000-05:00

A father of five young children won a toy at a raffle. Back home, he called his kids together to let them determine which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in unison: "You, Daddy!"

Dalmatian Humor

2011-07-18T09:45:00.001-05:00

A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck
was a Dalmatian dog.

The children started discussing the dog's duties.

"They use him to keep crowds back," said one child.

"No," said another. "He's just for good luck."

A third child brought the argument to a close: "They use the dogs," she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants."

Gift Shop Humor

2011-07-15T08:30:00.002-05:00

A man walked into a gift shop that sold religious items.

Near the cash register he saw a display of caps with "WWJD" printed on all of them. He was puzzled over what the letters could mean, but couldn't figure it out, so he asked the clerk.

The clerk replied that the letters stood for "What Would Jesus Do," and was meant to inspire people to not make rash decisions, but rather to imagine what Jesus would do in the same situation.

The man thought a moment and then replied, "Well, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't pay $17.95 for one of these caps."

Golf Quotes

2011-07-08T10:56:00.000-05:00

The ardent golfer would play Mount Everest if somebody would put a flag stick on top.
-- Pete Dye

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron

Golf is a game in which you yell "fore," shoot six, and write down five.
-- Paul Harvey

Have you ever noticed what golf spells backwards?
-- Al Boliska

The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.
-- Billy Graham

Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing.
-- Ben Hogan

Go play golf. Go to the golf course. Hit the ball. Find the ball. Repeat until the ball is in the hole. Have fun. The end.
-- Chuck Hogan

If you think it's hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.
-- Jack Lemmon

It's good sportsmanship to not pick up lost golf balls while they are still rolling.
-- Mark Twain

Golf is a game in which one endeavors to control a ball with implements ill adapted for the purpose.
-- Woodrow Wilson

They call it "golf" because all the other four-letter words were taken.
-- Raymond Floyd

How Dogs are Better than Men

2011-07-06T11:49:00.000-05:00

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

Dogs miss you when you're gone.

You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog.

Dogs admit it when they're lost.

Dogs are nice to your relatives.

Exercise Humor

2011-07-05T12:38:00.000-05:00

HEALTH MESSAGE

1. If walking/cycling were that good for your health, the postman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run, does nothing, yet lives for 450 years.

AND...YOU TELL ME TO EXERCISE?

Coin Humor

2011-07-01T08:16:00.002-05:00

The kid had swallowed a coin and it got stuck in his throat, and his mother
ran out in the street yelling for help. A man passing by took the boy by his
shoulders and hit him with a few strong strokes on the back, and he coughed
the coin out.

"I don't know how to thank you, doctor," his mother started.

"I'm not a doctor," the man replied. "I'm from the IRS."

Golf Humor

2011-06-27T08:30:00.002-05:00

Four old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf. The pro asked, "Did you guys have a good game today?"

The first old guy said, "Yes, I had three riders today."

The second old guy said, "I had the most riders ever. I had five."

The third old guy said, "I had 7 riders, the same as last time."

The last old man said, "I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today." ‘

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, "I have been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but what's a rider?"

The pro said, "A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to get in the golf cart and ride to it."

Disaster Humor

2011-06-24T08:32:00.000-05:00

"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him. Never in his 50 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know.

He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 16-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene. He took a deep breath and proceeded.

Walking was virtually impossible with so many things strewn across his path. He moved ahead slowly. "Danny! Danny!" he whispered to himself. He tripped and almost fell several times. He heard someone, or something, move. At least he thought he did. Perhaps, he was just hoping he did. He shook his head and felt his gut tighten.

He couldn't understand how this could have happened. There was some light but not enough to see very much. Something cold and wet brushed against his hand. He jerked it away.

In desperation, he took another step then cried out, "Danny!"

From a nearby pile of unidentified material, he heard his son. "Yes, Dad," he said, in a voice so weak it could hardly be heard.

"It's time to get up and get ready for school," the man sighed, "and, for heaven's sake, clean up this room!"

Prayer Humor

2011-06-20T08:26:00.003-05:00

Drummond's Bar began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their business. In response, the local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the bar and it burned to the ground.

After the bar burned to the ground as a result of the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer," until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church "was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise. The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a bar owner who believes in the power of prayer and an entire church congregation that now does not."

Traffic Camera Humor

2011-06-13T08:23:00.003-05:00

My husband was driving when he saw the flash of a traffic camera.

He figured that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though he knew that he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot,
driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now he began to think that this was quite funny, so he drove even slower as he passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

He tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You can't fix stupid.

Will Humor

2011-06-10T08:52:00.000-05:00

A teacher posed the following problem to her arithmetic class:

"A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his
butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?"

The classroom fell silent for a moment, and then an earnest young voice piped up: "A lawyer!"

Guillotine Humor

2011-06-06T08:12:00.000-05:00

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be
guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing
happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's
let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the
blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set
free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up
at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem..."

Grandparents Humor

2011-06-03T10:34:00.002-05:00

GRANDPARENTS' ANSWERING MACHINE

"Good morning, at present we are not at home but, please leave your message after you hear the beep.. beeeeeppp ....

If you are one of our children, press 1 and then select the option from 2 to 9 in order of "arrival" so we know who it is.

If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.

If you want to borrow the car, press 3.

If you want us to wash your clothes and do your ironing, press 4.

If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.

If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.

If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.

If you want to come to eat here, press 8.

If you need money, dial 9.

If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking - we are listening!"

Dieting Humor

2011-05-27T13:14:00.001-05:00

A man was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day. Then eat regularly again for two days, then skip a day. Repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the man returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!

"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The man nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead on the third day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the skipping."

Farmer Humor

2011-05-23T08:08:00.000-05:00

A farmer had been swindled many times by the local car dealer. One day, the car dealer informed the farmer that he was coming over to purchase a cow.

The farmer priced the unit as follows:

- Basic Cow $999.95
- Shipping and Handling $35.75
- Extra Stomach $79.25
- Two-tone Exterior $142.10
- Produce Storage Compartment $128.50
- Heavy Duty Straw Chopper $189.60
- 4-Spigot/High Output Drain System $149.20
- Automatic Fly Swatter $88.50
- Genuine Cowhide Upholstery $170.80
- Deluxe Dual Horns $59.25
- Automatic Fertilizer Attachment $339.40
- 4 X 4 Traction Drive Assembly $884.16
- Pre-Delivery Wash and Comb $69.80

Farmer Suggested List Price $3336.26
Additional Dealer Adjustment $300.00

Total list price (including options) $3636.26
Tax and Ear Tags $418.00

TOTAL PURCHASE PRICE $4054.26

Horse Humor

2011-05-20T09:41:00.000-05:00

A country preacher was selling his horse that he had owned for many years. A man from the city came to buy the horse. The preacher explained that he had taught the horse to start with the phrase "Praise the Lord" and to stop using "Amen."

The man was in a hurry to test ride the horse and didn't pay much attention to what the preacher said. He got on the horse and said "Praise the Lord." The horse took off. The man took him on a long ride. The horse went pretty fast.

The man saw that he was approaching the edge of a cliff and wanted to stop. He couldn't remember what to say to stop the horse. He was getting closer and closer to the edge and beginning to panic when he remembered and shouted "Amen!" The horse stopped short, just at the edge of the cliff. The man sighed and said, "Praise the Lord!"

Operation Humor

2011-05-16T08:04:00.002-05:00

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he had insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anesthesia, he asked to speak to his son.

"Yes, Dad, what is it?"

"Son, don't be nervous, just do your best and, if the surgery doesn't go well and I don't make it, just remember, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife..."

Heaven Humor

2011-05-09T09:41:00.001-05:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her class of 5 and 6 year old students the following questions: "lf I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would l get in to heaven? "

All the children answered, "NO!"

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get in to heaven?"

Again their response was ''NO!''

She then continued, then how can l get to heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted, "I know, I know. You gotta be dead!''

Things Only a Mom Can Teach

2011-05-06T08:22:00.001-05:00

THINGS ONLY A MOM CAN TEACH

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:
"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:
"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:
"Because I said so, that's why."
&
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:
"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:
"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:
"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:
"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:
"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:
"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:
"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:
"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:
"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:
"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!!!"

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Things Mom Would Never Say

2011-05-06T08:16:00.002-05:00

THINGS MOM WOULD NEVER SAY

"How on earth can you see the TV sitting so far back?"

"Yeah, I used to skip school a lot, too."

"Just leave all the lights on ... it makes the house look more cheery."

"Let me smell that shirt -- Yeah, it's good for another week."

"Go ahead and keep that stray dog, honey. I'll be glad to feed and walk him every day."

"Well, if Ron's mamma says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"The curfew is just a general time to shoot for. It's not like I'm running a prison around here."

"I don't have a tissue with me ... just use your sleeve."

"Don't bother wearing a jacket - the wind-chill is bound to improve."

Marriage Humor

2011-05-02T08:53:00.002-05:00

At a wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married longest. The bride's grandparents took the honors.

The DJ asked them: "What advice would you give to the newly-married couple?"

The grandma said: "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.'"

Everyone then looked at the grandpa for his answer. He, wisely, answered: "She's probably right."

Marriage Humor

2011-04-29T08:02:00.000-05:00

One lazy Saturday morning a man and his wife were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when he said to her unexpectedly, "When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don't want some other jerk using my stuff."

She looked at him intently and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another jerk?"

Pastor Humor

2011-04-25T08:20:00.000-05:00

There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there in your pockets."

Doctor Humor

2011-04-18T08:16:00.002-05:00

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Stranded Humor

2011-04-15T08:22:00.002-05:00

A ragged individual, stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it.

Rushing to the bottle, he pulled out the cork and with shaking hands withdrew the message:

"Due to lack of activity," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your email account."

Car Humor

2011-04-11T08:30:00.002-05:00

"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburetor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburetor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburetor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"In the swimming pool."

Wedding Humor

2011-04-08T08:18:00.002-05:00

During a wedding reception the mother of the bride managed to keep from crying until she glanced at the grandparents.

The grandmother had reached over to the grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand.

That was all it took to start the mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, she went over to the grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking to see if he was still alive."

Baseball Humor

2011-04-04T08:31:00.000-05:00

Two 90-year-old men, Moe and Joe, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Joe is dying, Moe visits him every day. One day Moe says, "Joe, we both loved baseball all our lives, and we played minor league ball together for so many years. Please do me one favor: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's baseball there."

Joe looks up at Moe from his deathbed, "Moe, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you." Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Moe is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Moe, Moe."

"Who is it?" asks Moe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Moe -- it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Moe.

"The good news," Joe says, "is that there IS baseball in Heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," says Moe. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?"

"You're pitching Tuesday."

Driving Humor

2011-04-01T09:04:00.000-05:00

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!"

"Honey," said Herman, "It's not just one car...It's hundreds of them!"

Three Friends Humor

2011-03-28T12:11:00.000-05:00

Three friends -- a surgeon, an engineer, and a politician -- were discussing which profession was the oldest.

The surgeon said: "Eve was created from Adam's rib - a surgical procedure. My profession must be the oldest!"

The engineer replied: "Before Adam and Eve, order was created out of chaos. That was an engineering job! My profession is the
oldest."

Then the politician said, "Yes, but who do you suppose created the chaos?"

Dinner Humor

2011-03-25T08:46:00.002-05:00

Joey's dad invited Rev. & Mrs. Brown to dinner. Joey's mom made an extra-special meal. It was Joey's job to set the table with the good china and silver.

As everyone sat down to eat, Joey's mom said, "Joey, dear, you forgot to set a knife and fork for Mrs. Brown."

"I didn't think I needed to," Joey explained. "I heard Daddy say she eats like a horse."

Heaven Humor

2011-03-21T09:34:00.002-05:00

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet.

They gasped in astonishment when he said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "Why, nothing," Peter replied, "remember, this is your reward in Heaven."

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"What are the greens fees?", grumbled the old man. "This is heaven," St. Peter replied. "You can play for free, every day."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages. "Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy."

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" he asked.

"That's the best part," St. Peter replied. "You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!"

The old man pushed, "No gym to work out at?" "Not unless you want to," was the answer.

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or..." "Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself."

The old man glared at his wife and said, "You and your bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!"

Race Humor

2011-03-18T08:05:00.002-05:00

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!” says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," Says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Helpful Health Q&A

2011-03-11T08:21:00.002-06:00

HELPFUL HEALTH Q&A

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ...... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food, diets, and exercise.

Dads Humor

2011-03-07T09:06:00.000-06:00

Three kids are sitting around the lunch table at school.

One says, "My dad's a lawyer. People pay him $200 for letter with his opinion on it."

Another says, "My dad's a doctor. He writes prescriptions on a little sheet of paper and people pay him $300 for it."

The third says, "My dad's a preacher. He writes a few notes a napkin, tells everyone and it takes 8 people to collect all the money."

Hole Humor

2011-03-04T08:31:00.001-06:00

Two guys were working for city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the guy who plants the trees called in sick."

Parenting Humor

2011-02-28T10:33:00.000-06:00

After the dedication of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong.
Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

Language Humor

2011-02-25T09:04:00.000-06:00

A mother mouse and her three children crept out of their hole into the kitchen and began feasting on some delicious bits of food. Suddenly, out of the corner of her eye, Mother Mouse saw a cat slinking toward them. The cat was between the mice and their hole. The mother mouse puffed up her lungs and went, "Woof! Woof!" The cat turned tail and ran.

With that, the mother quickly led her children back to safety in their hole. When they were settled, and breathing normally, Mother Mouse said to her children, "Now, what's the lesson from that experience?"

"We don't know," the baby mice squeaked.

"It is this," said Mom Mouse. "It's always good to know a second language."

"Oops" Humor

2011-02-21T09:45:00.001-06:00

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Ticket Humor

2011-02-18T09:54:00.001-06:00

A police officer stopped a motorist for failing to come to a full stop at a stop sign and proceeded to give him a ticket.

The motorist protested, "Don't I get a warning?"

The officer replied, "Sure. If you don't come to a complete stop next time, you'll get another ticket."

Marriage Humor

2011-02-18T08:55:00.001-06:00

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. (Her previous 3 husbands had passes away.) The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

Valentine's Day Humor

2011-02-14T09:32:00.000-06:00

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"
"But why?" asks the guy.
The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."

Language Humor

2011-02-14T09:00:00.001-06:00

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his capture.

An enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head and said, "You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English and the Ranger didn't speak Spanish! Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.

The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said, 'Get lost. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'"

Valentine's Day Humor

2011-02-11T09:23:00.000-06:00

Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day.

'Yes,' came the answer from Tony (who usually wasn't very sensitive to what his wife might like for a gift), 'I've bought her a belt and a bag.'

'That was very kind of you,' Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought.'

Tony smiled as he replied, 'So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now.'

Sleep Humor

2011-02-07T08:56:00.001-06:00

One afternoon, Sue was in the backyard hanging the laundry when an old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

Sue could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. But when she walked into the house, he followed her, sauntered down the hall and fell asleep in a corner.

An hour later, the dog went to the door, and Sue let him out.

The next day he was back. He resumed his position in the hallway and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks.

Curious, Sue pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."

The next day the dog arrives with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with eight children. He's just trying to catch up on his sleep."

Parking Meter Humor

2011-02-04T09:55:00.001-06:00

A parking meter officer in Boston noticed a parking meter with a paper sack over it upon which was written: "Broken."

The skeptical parking officer removed the bag, inserted a quarter in the meter and turned the dial. It worked perfectly. As the officer began to write a parking ticket, the car's owner rushed out of a nearby building.

"What are you doing?" he yelled after a quick glance at the meter. "There's plenty of time left!"

Marriage Humor

2011-01-21T10:28:00.001-06:00

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
quiet, George, a 71-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and
softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Marriage Humor

2011-01-21T10:14:00.001-06:00

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.

"Why not?" he was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'"

He paused.

"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.

"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."

Doctor Humor

2011-01-17T09:12:00.001-06:00

A man went to the doctor and said: "I've been misbehaving lately, Doc, and my conscience is troubling me."

The doctor said, "You want me to give you something that will strengthen your willpower?"

"Well no," said the man, "I was hoping you could give me something that would weaken my conscience."

Music Director Humor

2011-01-14T14:50:00.001-06:00

There was a church where the pastor and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the pastor preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Gift Humor

2011-01-10T09:58:00.001-06:00

A guy was telling his friend how he had bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, the friend said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

2011-01-07T09:54:00.000-06:00

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

Age Humor

2011-01-05T10:26:00.000-06:00

You know you're getting old when...

* All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
* People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
* When happy hour is a nap.
* You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
* You and your teeth don't sleep together.

How to Keep New Year's Resolutions

2011-01-03T12:03:00.000-06:00

How to Keep New Year's Resolutions

RESOLUTION #1:

2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The Pelican Brief.
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.
2011: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will be totally out of debt by 2010.
2010: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2011.
2011: I will try to be out of the country by the end of the year.

Card Humor

2010-12-30T12:02:00.000-06:00

A cocky Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with the old farmer: "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Agriculture representative said in a "wise" tone, "I have the authority of the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of Agriculture man running for the fence; close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets, and the bull was gaining at every step.

"Help," the rep shouted to the farmer, "What should I do?" he screamed helplessly.

The old farmer, hooking his thumbs in his overalls, called out: "Show him your card."