Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately call the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, "Honey," I stammered. I always call her "honey" in times like these. "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane's voice. "Ken" she barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
Diane retorted, "I will, as soon as I can convince this policeman that I did not steal your car!!!"
Monday, February 27, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Landlord Humor
EXCERPTS FROM REQUESTS SENT TO LANDLORDS
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.
2. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door.
3. The toilet seat is cracked: where do I stand?
4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.
5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.
8. Our kitchen floor is very damp, we have two children and would like a third, so will you please send someone to do something about it.
9. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.
10. Could you please send someone to fix our bath tap? My wife got her toe stuck in it and it is very uncomfortable for us.
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Aggie Humor
The Texas A&M football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, "I'm not suppose to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into this eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate......what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four"?!?" the coach exclaimed .... excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance."
The player agreed, and the coach looked into this eyes intently and asks, "Okay, now concentrate......what is two plus two?"
The player thought for a moment and then he answered, "Four?"
"Four"?!?" the coach exclaimed .... excited that he got it right.
At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, "Come on coach, give him another chance."
Aggie Humor
Three men have made careful preparations for a walk into the desert.
Asking each other what they have brought before starting off, the first
says, "I've brought water, so we won't go thirsty."
The second replies, "I've brought food, so we won't go
hungry."
The third one, an Aggie, then proudly adds, "I brought this car
window, so we can roll it down if it gets hot."
Asking each other what they have brought before starting off, the first
says, "I've brought water, so we won't go thirsty."
The second replies, "I've brought food, so we won't go
hungry."
The third one, an Aggie, then proudly adds, "I brought this car
window, so we can roll it down if it gets hot."
Friday, February 17, 2012
Aggie Humor
How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars!
Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars!
Fire Humor
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in the blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company comprised mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched in amazement as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and bravely fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Valentine's Day Humor
Four-year-old Sam loved candy almost as much as his mom Sally did. He and Daddy had given her a beautiful heart-shaped box of chocolates for Valentine's Day. A few days later Sam was eyeing it, wishing to have a piece of it.
As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
As he reached out to touch one of the big pieces, Sally said to him, "If you touch it, then you have to eat it. Do you understand?"
"Oh, yes," he said, nodding his head. Suddenly his little hand patted the tops of all the pieces of candy. "Now I can eat them all."
Monday, February 13, 2012
Parenthood Humor
ARE YOU READY FOR PARENTHOOD?
A brief battery of tests for prospective parents
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum while holding the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 1:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
A brief battery of tests for prospective parents
MESS TEST: Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now dig with your hands in the wet flower bed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.
TOY TEST: Obtain a 55-gallon box of Legos. (If Legos are not available, you may substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream, as this could wake a child at night.
GROCERY STORE TEST: Borrow at least two small animals (goats are best). Take them with you as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.
DRESSING TEST: Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff it into a small bag into which you have cut a neck hole and eight arm holes, making sure that the head of the octopus and each arm emerges from the correct opening.
NIGHT TEST: Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and filling it with 8 to 12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8 pm begin to waltz and hum while holding the bag. Do this until 9 pm. Lay down the bag and set your alarm for 10:00 pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing them until 1:00 am. Set alarm for 5:00 am. Get up and make breakfast. Look cheerful.
PHYSICAL TEST (WOMEN): Obtain a large bean-bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10% of the beans.
FINAL ASSIGNMENT: Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their child's discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and table manners. Suggest many things they can improve as well. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you'll have all the answers.
Friday, February 10, 2012
Drawing Humor
A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the
drawing was.
The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."
The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,
"They will in a minute."
Friday, February 3, 2012
Hair Humor
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
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