Marriage Humor

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa. "The material we put
into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years
ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese
food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us
realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But
there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or
will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most
grief and suffering for years after eating it?" After several seconds of
quiet, George, a 71-year-old man in the front row raised his hand and
softly said, "Wedding Cake."

Marriage Humor

An efficiency expert was delivering a seminar on time management for a company's junior executives. He concluded the session with a disclaimer: "Don't attempt these task-organizing tips at home," he said.

"Why not?" he was asked.

"Well, I did a study of my wife's routine of fixing breakfast," he replied, a little embarrassed. "I noticed she made a lot of trips between the refrigerator and the stove, the table and the cabinets, each time carrying only one item. So I asked her, 'Honey, I notice that you make a lot of trips back and forth carrying one item at a time. If you would try carrying several things at once you would be much more efficient.'"

He paused.

"Did that save time?" one of the executives asked.

"Actually, yes," the expert answered, "It used to take her twenty minutes to fix my breakfast. Now I get my own in seven minutes."

Doctor Humor

A man went to the doctor and said: "I've been misbehaving lately, Doc, and my conscience is troubling me."

The doctor said, "You want me to give you something that will strengthen your willpower?"

"Well no," said the man, "I was hoping you could give me something that would weaken my conscience."

Music Director Humor

There was a church where the pastor and the minister of music were not getting along. As time went by, this began to spill over into the worship service.

The first week the pastor preached on commitment and how we all should dedicate ourselves to the service of God. The music director led the song, "I Shall Not Be Moved."

The second week the pastor preached on tithing and how we all should gladly give to the work of the Lord. The director led the song, "Jesus Paid it All."

The third week the pastor preached on gossiping and how we should all watch our tongues. The music director led the song, "I Love to Tell the Story."

With all this going on, the pastor became very disgusted over the situation and the following Sunday told the congregation that he was considering resigning. The musician led the song, "Oh Why Not Tonight?"

As it came to pass, the pastor did indeed resign. The next week he informed the church that it was Jesus who led him there and it was Jesus who was taking him away. The music leader led the song, "What a Friend We Have in Jesus."

Gift Humor

A guy was telling his friend how he had bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

After hearing about this extravagant gift, the friend said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty four-wheel-drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where was I going to find a fake Jeep?"

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

The Difference Between Dogs and Cats

A dog thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be gods!

A cat thinks:

Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a god!

Age Humor

You know you're getting old when...

* All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
* It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
* Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
* People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
* The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
* When happy hour is a nap.
* You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf course.
* You and your teeth don't sleep together.

How to Keep New Year's Resolutions

How to Keep New Year's Resolutions

RESOLUTION #1:

2005: I will read at least 20 good books a year.
2006: I will read at least 10 books a year.
2007: I will read 5 books a year.
2008: I will finish The Pelican Brief.
2009: I will read some articles in the newspaper this year.
2010: I will read at least one article this year.
2011: I will try and finish the comics section this year.

RESOLUTION #2:

2005: I will get my weight down below 180.
2006: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
2007: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
2008: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2009: I will work out 5 days a week.
2010: I will work out 3 days a week.
2011: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

RESOLUTION #3:

2005: I will not spend my money frivolously.
2006: I will pay off my bank loan promptly.
2007: I will pay off my bank loans promptly.
2008: I will begin making a strong effort to be out of debt by 2009.
2009: I will be totally out of debt by 2010.
2010: I will try to pay off the debt interest by 2011.
2011: I will try to be out of the country by the end of the year.