Thursday, July 29, 2010

Counseling Humor

An ill-advised therapist told Jimmy that the way for him to
achieve true inner peace is to start finishing whatever he
started.

Jimmy began following the advice immediately after leaving
the therapist's office by quickly finishing 2 bags of chips
and a chocolate cake. The effect was rapid, and he began
feeling better almost immediately.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Sign Humor

Did I Read That Sign Right?

In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER...... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL
YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER
YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING
MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND
GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT,
THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR
FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Prayer Humor

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she
turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you
like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered. The
daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I
invite all these people to dinner?"

Monday, July 19, 2010

Bracelet Humor

A woman sees a beautiful bracelet in a jewelry store window.
Not having the money to purchase the item, but desperately
longing for it, she enters and speaks to the clerk.

"If I were to give you a small deposit for this item, could
you possibly hold it for me?"

"Certainly," replies the clerk. "For how long shall we hold
the item?

"Until my husband does something unforgivable."

Friday, July 16, 2010

Eyesight Humor

Sam, an 80 year-old man, was a witness in a burglary trial.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit
this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

"Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client
commit this crime?"

"Yes," replied Sam, "I know I saw him do it."

"Sam listen, you are 80 years old and your eyesight is
probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

"I can see the moon: how far is that?"

Monday, July 12, 2010

Locked Car Humor

A woman received a phone call that her daughter was very
sick with a fever. She left work and stopped by the pharmacy
for some medication for her daughter. When she returned to
her car she was dismayed to find she had locked her keys
inside. Somehow she had to get home to her sick daughter,
but she didn't know what to do.

She called home to the baby sitter, who told her that her
daughter was getting worse. However, the baby sitter did
offer some advice.

"If you could find a coat hanger you may be able to use that
to open the door."

The woman obtained an old rusty coat hanger from the
pharmacy, but when she got back to her car she looked at the
hanger realized she didn't have a clue how to use the hanger
to open the door.

Feeling quite hopeless, she bowed her head and asked God for
help. Almost immediately an old rusty car pulled up, driven
by a dirty, greasy, bearded man with a rag on his head.

The woman thought to herself, "Great, God. Is THIS what you
sent to help me?" But she was desperate, and decided any
help was better than no help at all.

The man got out of his car and asked if he could help.

"Yes, my daughter is very sick," the woman replied. "I must
get home to her with this medicine, but I can't because I
locked my keys in the car. Is there any way you can use this
hanger to unlock my car?"

The man walked over to the car and in seconds the car was
opened. Almost in tears, the woman expressed her
appreciation.

"THANK YOU SO MUCH.....You are such a very nice man, and an
answer to prayer!"

The man replied, "Lady, I ain't a nice man. I just got out
of prison for car theft."

In even greater appreciation, the woman cried out loud,
"THANK YOU, GOD FOR SENDING ME A PROFESSIONAL!"

Friday, July 9, 2010

Cow Humor

A man was driving down a country road in the middle of dairy
farm country when his car stalled inexplicably. He got out
and raised the hood to see if he could find out what had
happened.

A brown and white cow slowly lumbered from the field she had
been grazing in over to the car and stuck her head under the
hood beside the man.

After a moment the cow looked at the man and said, "Looks
like a bad carburetor to me." Then she walked back into the
field and began grazing again.

Amazed, the man walked back to the farmhouse he had just
passed, where he met a farmer. "Hey, mister, is that your
cow in the field?" he asked.

The farmer replied, "The brown and white one? Yep, that's
old Bessie."

The man then said, "Well my car's broken down, and she just
said, 'Looks like a bad carburetor to me.'"

The farmer shook his head and said, "Don't mind old Bessie,
son. She don't know a thing about cars."

Monday, July 5, 2010

Eulogy Humor

Two brothers had terrorized a small town for decades. They were unfaithful to their wives, abusive to their children, and dishonest in business. The younger brother died unexpectedly.

The surviving brother went to the pastor of the local church. “I’d like you to conduct my brother’s funeral,” he said, “but it’s important to me that during the service, you tell everyone my brother was a saint.”

“But he was far from that,” the minister countered.

The wealthy brother pulled out his checkbook.

“Reverend, I’m prepared to give $100,000 to your church. All I’m asking you to do is to state publicly that my brother was a saint.”

On the day of the funeral, the pastor began his eulogy this way. “Everyone here knows that the deceased was a wicked man, a womanizer, and a drunk. He terrorized his employees and cheated on his taxes.” The he paused. “But as evil and sinful as this man was, compared to his older brother, he was a saint.”

Friday, July 2, 2010

Fourth of July Humor

One year, Bobby's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state (they're illegal in their state, of course!)

Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring…"Sure, the more the merrier!"

Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Bobby, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Bobby disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. This family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells them the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed.

They head out to the back as Bobby comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?"

"Oh, yeah, nobody will ever think to look in the grill!"