Funeral Humor

A young minister was asked by a funeral director to hold a graveside service for a homeless man, with no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery way back in the country, and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As he was not familiar with the backwoods area, he became lost; and being a typical man did not stop for directions. He finally arrived an hour late. He saw the backhoe and the crew, who were eating lunch, but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

The minister apologized to the workers for his tardiness, and stepped to the side of the open grave, where he saw the vault lid already in place. He assured the workers he would not hold them up for long, but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. He poured out his heart and soul.

As he preached the workers began to say "Amen," "Praise the Lord," and "Glory!" He preached like he'd never preached before, from Genesis all the way to Revelation.

He closed the lengthy service with a prayer and walked to his car. As he was opening the door and taking off his coat, he overheard one of the workers saying to another, "I ain't never seen nothing like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Golf Humor

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!"

There on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.

The silence in the room was broken by a union negotiator. "Wow," he said. "Just think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"

Letters to Pastors

Dear Pastor,
I know God loves everybody but He never met my sister.
Yours sincerely,
Arnold
Age 8, Nashville


Dear Pastor,
Please say in your sermon that Peter Peterson has been a good boy all week. I am Peter Peterson.
Sincerely,
Pete
Age 9, Phoenix


Dear Pastor,
My father should be a minister. Every day he gives us a sermon about something.
Robert
Age 11, Anderson


Dear Pastor,
I'm sorry I can't leave more money in the plate, but my father didn't give me a raise in my allowance. Could you have a sermon about a raise in my allowance?
Love,
Patty
Age 10, New Haven


Dear Pastor,
I would like to go to heaven someday because I know my brother won't be there.
Stephen
Age 8, Chicago


Dear Pastor,
I think a lot more people would come to your church if you moved it to Disneyland.
Loreen
Age 9, Tacoma


Dear Pastor,
Please say a prayer for our Little League team. We need God's help or a new pitcher.
Thank you.
Alexander
Age 10, Raleigh


Dear Pastor,
My father says I should learn the Ten Commandments. But I don't think I want to because we have enough rules already in my house.
Joshua
Age 10, South Pasadena


Dear Pastor,
Are there any devils on earth? I think there may be one in my class.
Carla
Age 10, Salina


Dear Pastor,
I like your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph
Age 11, Akron

Good News, Bad News Humor

A man gets a telephone call from a doctor. The doctor says: "About this medical test I did on you, I have some good news and some bad news."

The man asks for the good news first:

"The good news is that you have 24 hours to live," says the doctor.

The man, incredulously: "If that is the good news, then what is the bad news??"

"I couldn't reach you on the phone yesterday."

WC Humor

In the days when you couldn't count on a public facility to have indoor plumbing, a British woman was planning a trip to Germany. She was registered to stay in a small guesthouse owned by the local schoolmaster. She was concerned as to whether the guesthouse contained a WC. (In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC, which stands for water closet.) She wrote the schoolmaster inquiring as to the location of the nearest WC.

The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a Wayside Chapel near the house...a bathroom never entered their minds. So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam,

I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house. It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays. As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room. This is an unfortunate situation, especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.

It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC as it was there that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.

You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time! I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere. The newest addition is a bell, which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all since many feel it is long needed.

I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.

Sincerely,
Schoolmaster

Sharing Humor

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonald's that cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking: "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As the man began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the crowd began to get restless. Again you could tell what they were thinking: "That poor old couple. All they can afford is one meal for the two of them." As the man began to eat his french fries one young man stood and came over to the old couple's table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple to eat. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat. The man again explained that no, they were used to sharing everything together.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer. Again he came over to their table and offered to buy some food. After being politely refused again, he finally asked a question of the little old lady: "Ma'am, why aren't you eating? You said that you share everything. What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered, "The teeth."

Talking Dog Humor

In Mississippi, a guy sees a sign in front of a house:

"Talking Dog for Sale."

He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the mutt replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The mutt looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says, "Ten dollars."

The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?"

The owner replies, "He's just a big liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."

Artist Humor

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death."

"When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed.

"What's the bad news?"

"The guy was your doctor."